I’ve spent my entire life dreaming about learning a foreign language. The idea of traveling the world and connecting with new cultures through a language other than my native English always felt thrilling and exciting to me, and that’s precisely why two years ago I began teaching myself Spanish.
My main motivation for learning this language was to prepare for my first big solo trip, a six-week stint in Mexico City. And while the Spanish language gave me that wild thrill I’d been longing for, it also threw me into a situation totally unexpected: I ended up falling headfirst into a romance with a Mexico City local.
And while this bilingual love affair had its fair share of Lizzie McGuire movie moments, it also challenged my ideas of how to construct a healthy romantic relationship. In this blog, I’m going to share some of my experiences dating in a foreign language and give some tips for anyone open to giving it a shot.
Why You Should Date In A Foreign Language
Cultivating a relationship in your non-native language obviously comes with its difficulties. But this doesn’t mean that it’s not worth the effort.
When I first matched with my would-be Mexican boyfriend on Tinder, I had only been studying Spanish for three months. Needless to say, my communication skills were basic at best. In turn, he hadn’t formally studied or spoken English in well over ten years. But despite this fairly steep language barrier, we were both willing to leap outside of our respective comfort zones and step up to the challenge. And, man, what a challenge it was.
I vividly remember our first FaceTime call where all we could do was smile and laugh at each other as we attempted to speak the other’s language. I must’ve said “lo siento pero no entiendo” (“I’m sorry but I don’t understand”) at least once every two minutes. But despite these difficulties, the experience was exciting, stimulating, and, most importantly, fun.
The two of us ended up talking in our own unique Spanglish nearly every day for the three months leading up to my trip, and when we finally met in person in Mexico City, we immediately fell into a natural, comfortable rhythm.
Despite having only been studying Spanish for six months at that point, when I was with him, the language seemed to pour out of my mouth with ease. I could barely order a coffee at Starbucks without breaking into a sweat, but I could easily talk to him about my deepest thoughts and feelings with no fear or trepidation.
All of this is to say that my experience dating a native Spanish speaker not only gave me the gift of an unforgettable romance, but it also allowed me to develop a much-needed confidence in my language skills that I wouldn’t have been able to otherwise. I learned new words and phrases that aren’t found in any textbook, I heard how a native speaker pronounces sounds that don’t exist in English, and I got to experience Mexico City like a true, Spanish-speaking native.
Differences Between Dating In and Out of Your Native Language
In the year and a half since returning from Mexico, I’ve had my fair share of Spanish dating experiences. From casual DM conversations to coffee dates to nights spent clubbing in Chicago, I’ve been able to utilize my Spanish in a plethora of different romantic situations. And in my experience, there are two main differences between dating someone who speaks your native language and dating someone who doesn’t: communication and culture.
Cultivating a deep connection with someone, romantic or otherwise, requires open, honest communication. For a lot of people (myself included), this is rarely easy or straightforward. It can be extremely difficult finding the vulnerability to communicate openly with your partner, and adding a language barrier into the mix only complicates the matter further.
Dating in a foreign language means you have to constantly think about how to communicate the most basic of concepts. In my first in-person conversation with my Mexican boyfriend, I remember strolling through the streets pointing at random objects and saying what colors they were in Spanish. How do you transition from that type of superficial interaction to discussing your emotional needs and desires with your romantic partner? How do you construct a healthy, communicative relationship when you quite literally can’t find the words to express yourself?
The answer is simple: you lean into the experience and do your best. If you enter into the situation with mutual respect and a willingness to put in the effort, even the steepest of language barriers can be overcome. And the result is that you end up creating your own, unique language with your partner, allowing you to develop a profound level of emotional understanding that enriches the relationship as a whole.
Another aspect that makes dating in a foreign language unique is the cultural difference brought about by two different mother tongues. Language and culture are heavily intertwined, and when you and your partner grow up immersed in separate languages, many of your cultural reference points and formative experiences are going to differ.
For example, a few months ago I went on a date with a man who had recently emigrated from Venezuela. Our first date was spent switching back and forth between English and Spanish, talking about the differences between our countries, cultures, and customs. On our second date, however, we got into a bit of an argument about politics while discussing the difference between American socialism and Venezuelan socialism. This conflict was a direct result of our different upbringings and experiences of politics and economics. And while sometimes these differences can be bridged, that’s not always the case.
Cultural differences can bring a uniqueness and a richness to a relationship as they help both partners understand the world from a different perspective. Furthermore, each person gets to introduce the other to the music, food, traditions, and pop culture that have most impacted their lives, and this vulnerability can often foster a deep mutual love and respect within the relationship. When you date in a foreign language, you not only get to learn about your partner and their culture, you also get to learn more about yourself.
How To Date In A Foreign Language
By this point, I’m hoping I’ve convinced you that dating in a foreign language can be a challenging, exhilarating, life-altering experience. If that’s the case, here are some of my quick tips for doing it effectively.
First and foremost, you have to be open to the experience. Using a foreign language in any context is going to force you outside of your comfort zone, and while this can be an anxiety-inducing and daunting endeavor, with the right attitude you can conquer the challenge.
It’s also essential to keep in mind that a romantic partner is not merely a language-learning resource. They don’t exist solely to help you practice your target language. Any type of partnership must have mutual respect and integrity. So while dating in a foreign language can act as some killer motivation to keep learning a new language, it’s always important to stay present in the moment and focus on more than just your language goals.
And at the end of the day, do your best to enjoy yourself. Lean into learning a new language and exposing yourself to new cultures. Discover all of the different words for love in Japanese, experience the essence of “saudade” in Brazilian Portuguese, and learn how to “gustar” your partner in Spanish. I guarantee you won’t regret it.
