I’ve Fallen
Do You Remember How It Felt When You Fell In Love?
I like his flat-but-always-looks-cute kind of face.
His laugh is a bit stiff, but warming just like the sun rays.
And his gaze is cold, but I miss it the most in many ways.
I like it when his reflection alone can make me unable to close my eyes all night. And when his back alone can make my smile bloom like cherry blossoms in spring. Then when even at a distance beyond the reach of an ordinary eye, I was able to recognize his figure just from the way he walked.
He was just like the sky over the twilight. He made me feel safe, like I have protection even if he was not attend to. Fall in love with him, it felt like I’m in a warm blanket on a rainy night. It’s like finding the last piece of a puzzle I’m working on.
But I’m afraid.
Well of course. Probably I’m the girl his mother warns him about. At first glance from the outside, I don’t seem like the ideal life companion at all. I mean which mother is willing to have his prince be accompanied by someone as miserable as me. I look like a woman who is fitted to have fun with, not a woman who can be discussed about how this month’s bill will be paid, or talk about how to prioritize the choice of whether to pay off the house first or buy a car first.
But he knew for sure that I won’t kiss his friend or break his heart. I won’t make him choose between what he loves and me. I’m not cold. I’m not reckless. I will love him more than anything. I will kiss him when he cries. I will stand by his side until he decides otherwise.
In short, we totally understand each other.
I knew that I could be myself when I was with him, and he felt the same way. however, no one could be completely honest. There must be one, or more, things that you deliberately keep to yourself. I can even assure you that you too have pretended with yourselves. Pretending to be fine, acting like nothing happened, even though there are thousands of question marks that you want to get rid of.
And me too. I feel my weirdness feels normal when I’m with him, but the question mark in me never goes away. I feel like there’s nothing wrong with us, but I also don’t feel that we are okay.
Until once I was in the dark, I couldn’t see how blue the sky was, even with him beside me …
I’m too comfortable with this secret. I tuck my feelings between my daily life. I choose myself. Solitude. Self-loathing for the fact that I can’t be honest with him.
Until the time comes when I can’t take it anymore. The distance between us, it’s getting greater, he was getting harder and harder for me to reach — with or without this silence on my lips. And I’m getting tired of the dark. Saturated with secrets.
Well, loving him was always fun, this was one of those things that couldn’t ever denied. I never take him for granted, my feelings for him will never be regretted, but separating from him may very well be one of the things I hope I can fix.
I’ve fallen, maybe a little deeper.
Maybe I regret it a little. Maybe I’m still hoping I could do a lot better.
Or maybe I still wish that we weren’t over.
I still remember clearly how it felt when I fell in love for the first time. How about you? For the many times you fell, does it feel the same as the first one?
