Shifting out of Codependency Through Self-Responsibility

When I would get triggered by something in a partnership, my initial response was — I feel entitled to receive support and compassion first. My experience must be centered.

Why? Because many years ago, in a non-violent communication book I read, it said that the person who is more resourced and less amped up will need to hold space before their experience can be received.

So if I had my trauma touched in a moment with and by my partner, and I started escalating, I expected my experience to be prioritized simply because I was triggered first.

Which seemed logical and fair. After all, I was the one who was initially hurt and contracted, not them. Therefore, I could not possibly be expected to be resourced or available enough to take in and hear about their experience or process until I felt soothed.

They needed to hold the responsibility at that moment and show up with care — said the voice of my protector from a place of activated righteousness…

On top of that, because I have typically had a lot more experience with different communication tools and techniques than my partners, I felt like I had more insight I could give. So even though I would talk about my experience, I would focus a great deal on the way my partner showed up.

I did this to share the impact of their words or actions, and also, because I thought they had things to learn that would ultimately support us both.

Even though I would express those things non-violently, and frame them as asks or preferences, I wasn’t actually being very vulnerable or as clean as I thought was.

How so?

By focusing on their side of the street, I was not only distancing myself from my emotional distress, I was placing the burden of my feelings onto them as if it were their responsibility.

And if they held them as such, then I could continue avoiding the discomfort of my fears and insecurities.

The very epitome of codependency.

Let me just say, it can be a fine line between vulnerably sharing and making someone else responsible. And I didn’t see how often I straddled or crossed that line because I was expressing myself using “I” statements.

A relationship therapist I respect and follow on Facebook has been repeating a message over and over again this past month, and I feel like I am finally getting it — the moment you start coaching your partner, you lose.

When I would have moments of tension in my relationship and we would unpack things, so much of the time, I would go into problem-solving mode. I wanted to analyze what happened so we could make different choices if disconnection and dysregulation happened again in the near future.

I wanted to be more efficient in processing and coming back into connection to avoid as much discomfort as possible.

Unconsciously, I wanted to create some form of disconnect prevention. I wanted control.

But moments of tension and misunderstanding are unavoidable. And what I am seeing, is how much I wanted those experiences to be over quickly. I wanted resolution — aka, to feel better — rather than being with the challenges of the present moment.

It is not my partner’s responsibility to make me feel better, just because they were a catalyst in activating my fears or insecurities.

And if I am truly unable to hear about their experience in moments of escalation, or even afterwards, then I am likely not ready for a conversation. If it is going to be a one-way street, I not only need to down-regulate, but also self-reflect.

Though I think it’s possible to do that together when escalation occurs by slowing down and creating spaciousness with occasional pauses, I also think it’s important to self-source, as well as develop the capacity to give myself the compassion and understanding that I am seeking.

Why? Because I will always be chasing outwards for it, and the acknowledgment or validation will never be enough. It’s like having a partner give you a snack to make me temporarily feel better, rather than feeding myself a full meal. The full meal being — compassionately holding my own insecurities.

Recognizing this has allowed me to sit with my feelings more, holding the wounds that get touched by my partner, and approach those moments of disconnect with grounded vulnerability.

This has been an ongoing practice, one that isn’t easy with certain triggers. But this is the core of my work. Otherwise, I would be continually handing off the responsibility of my fears and insecurities onto my partner to hold, rather than experiencing the tenderness and hurt that would lessen over time if I allowed myself to feel it.

When triggered, I think the most important thing I have learned is to slow down. When I am activated, there is urgency. I am more likely to be defensive, and more often feel entitled or righteous.

And if I have learned anything from my past relationships it is this — I would much rather be connected, to myself and my partner, than to be “right.”

And I would much rather grow and evolve through vulnerability and personal responsibility than avoid discomfort and co-create a codependent relationship.