Our Miscarriage

“A miscarriage is perhaps the only phenomenon in which an individual experiences the death of another literally inside of her and attached to her.”

Jane Forsyth, a therapist who has experienced a miscarriage

A couple days ago we found out that our baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks old… I was 10 weeks when we found out. It has been the hardest couple days for us as we’ve had to deal with our miscarriage. Through it all we have felt God’s hand in our lives and though we don’t know all the answers of why this happened…we know with a surety of why it happened at this time in our lives. I wish to express my thoughts on here of our miscarriage as everything is still quite tender in my heart and I feel so much gratitude for my Heavenly Father for helping us get through this, though we know it will take some time.

A couple days ago I woke up with red spotting… I had had a pap smear a week prior to this and I had been spotting since then light pink to a brown color. All this was normal. But I still felt that something was wrong after a week of spotting and I wasn’t getting any better. So as I said, a couple days ago I woke up with red spotting. I called the doctor immediately and they scheduled me to come in a couple hours later.

I don’t know how or why, but I already knew that it might be bad news. It was hard to keep our hopes us but we both knew that it was a possibility that something was wrong with our baby.

I had an ultrasound done at my doctor’s office and the images didn’t seem right to me, even though the doctor wouldn’t say it right then, as he sent us to get a second ultrasound to make sure all was ok… we both knew somehow that news would be bad.

I was crying as I lay on the hospital bed while they did the ultrasound… my sweet husband holding my hand while both of us tried so hard to keep our hopes up until we knew for sure.

They sent us back to our doctors office after the results were in… that drive from provo all the way down to orem was perhaps the longest drive of our lives.

I cried the whole way there… it was a very somber feeling. We walked in and waited in that room for what seemed to be an eternity. At this moment Justin and I knew before they even told us. We held hands and comforted one another as we prepared ourselves to hear the news.

The doctor walked in and sure enough he told us that our baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks and that he was so sorry to have to give us that news. Justin and I held each other and my world came crushing down on me…. but the love that Justin and I have for each other was the only thing that kept us both strong…it’s even stronger now. The doctor told us what our options were at that point and I chose to have everything happen at home.

He gave us a prescription to help my body prepare and go through it and we went home. As soon as we knew we started telling our family and friends of the news. That was hard as we were still digesting the idea ourselves of what was happening… but we felt it would be easier to let everyone know as soon as possible so Justin and I would be able to move forward in our process of grieving and preparing my body for what was about to happen.

The love and support we received soon after we told everyone has been overwhelming and so humbling. We are so grateful for all of our dear family and friends who have rushed to our side to comfort and mourn with us. Thank you to all of you who have made this process that much sweeter as those tender mercies have truly touched us and helped us to cope and feel our Savior’s love through your Christlike and selfless service and care.

We have most certainly felt those prayers on our behalf and they have lifted us and strengthened us at this time of great need.

Soon after we found out, that evening, Justin and I were able to both get priesthood blessings in order to prepare us for the following day. We are grateful to our dear friends for coming over at such a tender time in our lives and for being there for us. Thank you dear friends.

The following morning Justin and I decided to go to the store and get everything we needed to be ready before taking the medication that would begin the process.

So yesterday, we got everything we needed and on our way back home I already started feeling like my body was telling me that it was time… it had started…. I hadn’t taken the medication at that point… but my body was telling me that I needed to start the process sooner than later. That was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. As I wanted my baby to be safe inside of me and the thought of letting go of my baby in that way broke my heart into pieces.

We got everything ready and in place and I am so grateful for my visiting teacher companion who brought us dinner that night. THank you sweet sweet friend. That helped us so much to not have to worry about making dinner. I took the medication yesterday at 4pm and contractions started soon after that. They also gave me pills for nausea and pain. I took the nausea medication and then I took the one that starts the process.

We put church music on to relax my body and to make the process a bit easier and calmer for me and we just waited. At around 6:30pm contractions became stronger and stronger. I didn’t want to take the pain medication til the last minute because I wanted to feel close to my baby. I wanted to feel that pain for myself as a closure for me that this was actually happening and that my baby would soon leave my body. It was a painful but tender and sacred experience for me to go through that…I could feel our family on the other side of the veil present with us, giving us strength and courage to get through it.

The Bishopric came over to visit us briefly at around 7:15pm. I was so grateful for their visit and for their love and support. Throughout that day we received so much love. People coming over with treats and dinner and love and hugs and support… Justin’s work sent me the most beautiful flowers. My doctor sent flowers also and also both my dear primary counselors visited me with love and comfort and support. We are so grateful for all those guardian angels who surrounded us with so much love. We love you all. Truly, you are true shepherds of the Lord and your service and love will never be forgotten.

During the evening, the pain kept progressing …I had a little while where I was able to rest and take a nap, as we kept getting up every hour to check my progress and things down there.

A tender mercy from the Lord was that I didn’t see much of what was going on down there. Everything happened as I got to the bathroom each time.

Now, the following is what I consider the most sacred time of our lives during this trial. There were many prayers said during the night as things progressed. Music filled our home with sounds of beautiful and sacred songs and there was a sacred reverence in our home that I cannot describe… but Justin and I both knew and felt our baby was with us. We felt lifted and comforted by our family on the other side of the veil… and I felt the Atonement of Jesus Christ fill my entire being as we said goodbye to our baby…as my body said goodbye to my precious baby. Only a temporary goodbye… but nonetheless, the hardest thing we’ve ever had to do.

The sacred music filled my soul and as contractions got worse… I finally decided to take the pain medication to rest. Early in the morning, around 2am I woke up from my nap and I began contractions pretty bad. This was the most sacred moment for us both as parents… the pain medication wasn’t working anymore as the pain got stronger and stronger and all I could do was lay in bed with my husband holding me and me crying and telling my sweetheart that this was it… this was the moment that I knew our baby was leaving my body.

We prayed one more time for this last moment to go smoothly and for courage and for God’s love to be with us. I was in this pain for an hour even though for us it seemed that it had been 10 minutes… but during this time of much sorrow we turned to God for strength… I felt the Atonement so powerfully and as i lay in bed “delivering” my baby I entered a different state of mind and pictured my Savior in the Garden of Gethsemane suffering for my suffering and pain. Justin’s tears and mine mixed together as tears freely came and our love for each other grew eternally more than ever before…

A sweet spirit filled our entire home and there was a reverence about it that is close to what I feel in the temple. I told Justin that I needed to go to the bathroom… that is was time. I could barely get up and my heart was filled with so much love for my sweetheart who for the whole day had carried me and held me and rocked me in his arms as we went through this process together. I saw what God had done with us ….our baby had brought us closer to God and to each other in a way that is very sacred and tender to us.

I leaned on Justin as I walked slowly to the bathroom and as soon as I sat on the toilet, it happened. All I could say was, “my baby’s gone”. We held each other close and had a spiritual moment as we shared our love for each other and our baby… we knew God would take care of our little one for now until we meet again… one day that little one will be in our arms.

We see the world differently now. This experience has changed us. Our baby was the greatest miracle of our lives. God has given us the greatest blessing, that of becoming parents. We are parents and will always be… we have a child… a perfect, pure child waiting for us in heaven. We are a family of 3 now. We are ever grateful to our God for allowing us to have this experience. For the sacredness of love and family life and for the Atonement of Jesus Christ that is such a tender mercy and blessing and reminder of God’s love for His children.

I felt the atonement in a very personal way as I turned it over to God. It was hard for me to let go of my baby, but feeling that pain and having experienced it I felt so connected with my child and my Savior who paid the ultimate price so that we might live. Because of Him, I was able to get through this trial. Because of my sweet tender husband I was able to survive this hard trial… and now we enter the process of grieving for our loss as we know it will take some time to heal… but I know that with God by our side that we will make it through this. We are able to do hard things because God’s light and love will always be there to shine the way. We don’t need to have all the answers as to why things happen the way they do.. one day we will know the meaning of all things…. but this entire process….from finding we were pregnant to loosing our baby has proved to be a miracle… all of it.

We will never be the same again…

Memory Box for our Baby