How to break the subconscious patterns of codependency
I recently discovered that I am codependent.
A shocking recognition at age 46 of ones own manipulative patterns of behavior that have created a world of emotion fluctuating between want and fear that become twisted in a deadly dance of pushing and pulling until either you or your partner falls to the dance floor exhausted.
It’s been a horrible awakening that has cost me a relationship with a beautiful person, but having an intimate relationship was not possible while these fears and anxieties played out day-to-day. Now I’m resolved to use this painful awareness to change myself and in the process and I’ve discovered something …
… I have an idea to break the subconscious codependent patterns that are so deeply engrained.
Two years ago I discovered something called “Rational Recovery” when I was looking for alternatives to AA to stop drinking. It was a one page website that described how our amygdala (the tiny primitive brain that stores our instinctive survival behaviors) is the source of the “voices in your head” when trying to quit drinking.
Rational Recovery teaches you that the primitive brain manipulates you to get the behaviors that it feels are best to satisfy it’s selfish desires, it feels no guilt for the consequences of your drinking. The technique taught you that despite the feeling of “yearning desires” from your subconscious your conscious “Rational mind” IS IN CHARGE and the best way to take control is to talk down the primitive brain from it’s pedestal.
The method was deceivingly simple, each time you felt a craving you would identify it and imagine yourself having a conversation with the amygdala that “you don’t drink”, that “you are in charge not the voice”. Little by little with each subconscious desire to drink you gradually wear down the effect of the suggestions to the point that you don’t hear them anymore. This was highly effective to help me break my drinking habit so I decided to use …
… this tool as a highly effective aide for codependents too.
Codependent behaviors come from our early childhood experiences. A child needs to feel protected and nurtured but when they find out that the world around them is not safe it creates a fearful reaction in the child that links directly to our survival instinct (you guessed it — the amygdala). This is why these patterns are so hard to break.
Codependents have learned early on to monitor our emotions and expressions because we feel that expressing them is not safe, we fear that we will be abandoned or abused if we cry or are too demanding so our emotions are in a constant tug of war between desire to be recognized/validated and a fear of being rejected.
There are lots of great books on codependency like “Love me, don’t leave me” and you can find the book/method that is right for you to unravel the triggers and patterns that codependency create. I also recommend using guided meditations with the “Insight Timer” app when searching for meditations specifically related to codependency.
But the problem remains that …
… there are hundreds of moments in a day when the little voice of codependency sneaks it’s way into my thoughts.
It’s been so bad at times that I feel like I’m crazy, like my thoughts always drift to some concocted idea of how I will “get her back” or “what if I would have done this or that” these are the incessant sign posts of codependence. This is why codependents feel so lost after a break up, our minds are racing to solve this problem for the fear we experience is tied to our very own survival.
If you identify with being codependent it’s not your fault that you learned to act this way, it’s what you learned as a child, to scan other peoples emotions, predict their actions and preemptively change your behavior or influence them in hopes to change what you think will be a negative outcome. Now as adults we carry over this pattern and it’s destructive unhealthy behaviors.
So how do you break codependency when it’s so engrained?
Taking a lesson from Rational Recovery I have recently started to talk to the voice of my codependency. When I recognize that a codependent idea is coming into my mind I stop it immediately. I talk to the voice and tell it;
She is not in my life as a result of your manipulative behavior, Now I’m in charge and I don’t want to have the fear you use to manipulate me. I’ve learned to love and accept myself without the need for external validation.
or a simpler version;
I don’t want your manipulative behavior.
I’m in charge now I don’t need external validation.
I love and accept myself.
The fact of saying this to my codependent voice is interrupting the subconscious pattern of thought that weaves itself throughout my day. It helps me feel free of the guilt, regret, and toxic shame that quickly follow these desperate ideas.
The act of “beating yourself up” is a way of inflicting the same pain that you’ve been taught that you deserve because at it’s base there is a toxic shame that triggers codependent thinking. LET’S STOP IT!
When your emotions are too overwhelming I suggest using this along with other tactics like EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) to tap down your meridian points while talking out your feelings - very helpful. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JK9Snjoevx8
This tactic of breaking the patterns of codependency is rooted in NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programing) which creates “interrupts” that break the subconscious mind from running it’s regular program of activities (fears and responses) and replaces those with new more positive associations.
I hope that this can help you find a way out of the entangled web of these emotions and reactions. Change that takes time and consistency, don’t give up, you deserve a more fulfilling and happy life.
Remember;
it’s not your fault
when you know better you do better
you are enough!
I wish you the best on your path!
Love and light,
Terrence
Terrence Kelleman
HELPFUL TIP for Codependents is try the challenge recommended in my post: https://medium.com/@terrencekelleman/the-90-day-self-love-challenge-8940c4086532
Founder of the BE MIGHTY Project or on Instagram @bemighty
