To Nanan

Who has been gone less than four months

Hi, Nanan,

I dreamed about you last night. It wasn’t exciting and it wasn’t weird. I dreamed I was lounging over that sofa like I always did, while you and Granddad sat on the other sofa like you always did. We were watching TV quietly. I felt comfortable and safe. I think you had a go at him over something small like you always did. I think I told you to give him a break, like I probably should have done more often.

I remember realising it was a dream and saying ‘I love you’. I said it over and over and over hoping you’d say it to me one last time. I heard an echo of a memory of you saying you loved me right before I felt the bed beneath me, and felt the cats you named curled up against my legs.

I never felt more at home or more loved than when I was with you and in your house. Now, with family being… as it always is, but without you, I’m finding it difficult. I’m feeling unloved and unwanted. I wish you were still around, even though I only spoke to you once a week, and saw you twice a year — I think I underestimated how important it was that you were around.

Nanan, I miss you, I love you and I wish I could find half the strength you had every single day of your life.

Thank you,

A.