Book Notes: Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss

I highlight and take notes when I read nonfiction books. Once I finish a book, I format and edit my notes so that I can easily remind myself of what I learned without having to reread the book. These notes are not a substitute for reading the book, they only serve as a reminder of key concepts.

Regardless of all of these techniques, you always have to stay emotionally cool or none of them will work. Let knee-jerk reactions pass and pause in silence instead.

“Contrary to popular opinion, listening is not a passive activity. It is the most active thing you can do.”

“Good negotiators, going in, know they have to be ready for possible surprises; great negotiators aim to use their skills to reveal the surprises they are certain exist.”

You have to stay open minded about a negotiation — best to “[hold] multiple hypotheses” to better understand where someone is coming from.

“Most people approach a negotiation so preoccupied by the arguments that support their position that they are unable to listen attentively.”

“The goal is to identify what your counterparts actually need…and get them feeling safe enough to talk and talk and talk some more about what they want.”

“There are essentially three voice tones available to negotiators: the late-night FM DJ voice, the positive/playful voice, and the direct or assertive voice.” You should use the positive/playful voice majority of the time. Rarely use the assertive. FM DJ voice is downward inflecting and says you are in control.

“While mirroring is most often associated with forms of nonverbal communication, especially body language, as negotiators a “mirror” focuses on the words and nothing else. Not the body language. Not the accent. Not the tone or delivery. Just the words.”

Paraphrasing what the other person just said is another form of mirroring.

“By repeating back what people say, you trigger this mirroring instinct and your counterpart will inevitably elaborate on what was just said and sustain the process of connecting.”

“The results were stunning: the average tip of the waiters who mirrored was 70 percent more than of those who used positive reinforcement.”

Label how someone is feeling — this will make them feel listened to as well as make them continue to talk — either because you labelled their emotions accurately or you purposefully did not.

“In every negotiation, in every agreement, the result comes from someone else’s decision. And sadly, if we believe that we can control or manage others’ decisions with compromise and logic, we’re leaving millions on the table.”

“Saying “No” gives the speaker the feeling of safety, security, and control. You use a question that prompts a “No” answer, and your counterpart feels that by turning you down he has proved that he’s in the driver’s seat.”

“Gun for a “Yes” straight off the bat, though, and your counterpart gets defensive, wary, and skittish”

“That’s why I tell my students that, if you’re trying to sell something, don’t start with “Do you have a few minutes to talk?” Instead ask, “Is now a bad time to talk?” Either you get “Yes, it is a bad time” followed by a good time or a request to go away, or you get “No, it’s not” and total focus.”

“Sometimes, if you’re talking to somebody who is just not listening, the only way you can crack their cranium is to antagonize them into “No.” One great way to do this is to mislabel one of the other party’s emotions or desires.”

“Another way to force “No” in a negotiation is to ask the other party what they don’t want. “Let’s talk about what you would say ‘No’ to,””

The best way to get a response to an email — send a question that you know the response will be no: “Have you given up on this project?”

Don’t strive for “yes” in negotiations — yes means someone is agreeing with you just to finish negotiating. Strive for “that’s right”, where someone is truly agreeing with you.

Use pauses to encourage people to keep talking. Can also use phrases like “Yes,” “OK,” “Uh-huh,” or “I see”.

Use paraphrasing + labeling to try and get a “that’s right”.

NEVER compromise/split the difference: “To make my point on compromise, let me paint you an example: A woman wants her husband to wear black shoes with his suit. But her husband doesn’t want to; he prefers brown shoes. So what do they do? They compromise, they meet halfway. And, you guessed it, he wears one black and one brown shoe. Is this the best outcome? No! In fact, that’s the worst possible outcome. Either of the two other outcomes — black or brown — would be better than the compromise. Next time you want to compromise, remind yourself of those mismatched shoes.”

“We don’t compromise because it’s right; we compromise because it is easy and because it saves face. We compromise in order to say that at least we got half the pie. Distilled to its essence, we compromise to be safe. Most people in a negotiation are driven by fear or by the desire to avoid pain. Too few are driven by their actual goals.”

Don’t think that any negotiation has a deadline — rarely are deadlines hard set.

Acknowledge the other person’s fears all up front: “”I got a lousy proposition for you,” I said, and paused until each asked me to go on. “By the time we get off the phone, you’re going to think I’m a lousy businessman. You’re going to think I can’t budget or plan. You’re going to think Chris Voss is a big talker. His first big project ever out of the FBI, he screws it up completely. He doesn’t know how to run an operation. And he might even have lied to me.””

Make them feel like they have something to lose: ““Still, I wanted to bring this opportunity to you before I took it to someone else,” I said. Suddenly, their call wasn’t about being cut from $2,000 to $500 but how not to lose $500 to some other guy.”

“Instead of saying, “I’m worth $110,000,” Jerry might have said, “At top places like X Corp., people in this job get between $130,000 and $170,000.””

If you can’t negotiate money, start negotiation other things: vacation, work hours, etc…

When talking numbers, use precise ones — $102,378 instead of $100,000 — it makes it seem like you’ve done a calculation.

If negotiating salary, establish success criteria — next time you will then able to negotiate for an even higher salary when you prove that you did well.

Calibrated questions: “queries that the other side can respond to but that have no fixed answers. It buys you time. It gives your counterpart the illusion of control — they are the one with the answers and power after all — and it does all that without giving them any idea of how constrained they are by it.”

Most of the time, calibrated questions use “how”, “what”, and sometimes “why”.

“Another simple rule is, when you are verbally assaulted, do not counterattack. Instead, disarm your counterpart by asking a calibrated question.”

“When someone’s tone of voice or body language does not align with the meaning of the words they say, use labels to discover the source of the incongruence”

Try to get the other person to commit to you three times. After the first commitment, try summarizing (paraphrase + label) to get the second commitment, and then try calibrated (“how”,”what”) questions about success criteria to get the third commitment.

The first time they agree to something or give you a commitment, that’s №1. For №2 you might label or summarize what they said so they answer, “That’s right.” And №3 could be a calibrated “How” or “What” question about implementation that asks them to explain what will constitute success, something like “What do we do if we get off track?”

“At the front counter the young lady asked me if I wanted to join their frequent buyer program. I asked her if I got a discount for joining and she said, “No.” So I decided to try another angle. I said in a friendly manner, “My name is Chris. What’s the Chris discount?” She looked from the register, met my eyes, and gave a little laugh. “I’ll have to ask my manager, Kathy,” she said and turned to the woman who’d been standing next to her. Kathy, who’d heard the whole exchange, said, “The best I can do is ten percent.””

If you are pushed to go first to name a price, allude to what some other high-end client would pay “Harvard business school would pay $20,000 for my services”.

The Ackerman model of bargaining: 1. Set your goal price 2. Make your first offer 65% of goal 3. use empathy and different ways of saying no until the other side counters and increase your offer each time to 85%, 95%, and eventually 100% of goal 4. make the final amount not-round $23,768 instead of $24,000 — maybe the non-round figure is all you have in the bank! 5. At the final offer, offer a non-monetary item to prove you are at your limit.

“A more subtle technique is to label your negative leverage and thereby make it clear without attacking. Sentences like “It seems like you strongly value the fact that you’ve always paid on time” or “It seems like you don’t care what position you are leaving me in” can really open up the negotiation process.”

“But the moment when we’re most ready to throw our hands up and declare “They’re crazy!” is often the best moment for discovering Black Swans that transform a negotiation. It is when we hear or see something that doesn’t make sense — something “crazy” — that a crucial fork in the road is presented: push forward, even more forcefully, into that which we initially can’t process; or take the other path, the one to guaranteed failure, in which we tell ourselves that negotiating was useless anyway.”