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#IfYouAreBehind — The Male Mona Lisa / Anal Sex with Hemorrhoids / Dildo Hacking is Real

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Art: I am sure everyone has heard of the Leonardo da Vinci painting, Salvator Mundi, that just sold for a shocking $450.3 million — the highest price ever paid for a work of art at auction. This occurred at Christie’s Postwar and Contemporary sale this past week, but the hype was a year or more in the making. The masterpiece traveled around the globe, to cities like New York, London, and Hong Kong. Considering it a “holy relic” and appropriately given the nickname of “the male Mona Lisa”, this intensity gave way to fortune.

When digging deeper into the history of this particular piece, a NYT’s article pointed out “the painting, when purchased at an estate sale in 2005 for less than $10,000, was initially considered a copy of a lost Leonardo, completed around 1500 and once in the collection of Charles I of England”. After varnishing and lifting its surface, it was partially restored by the conservator Dianne Dwyer Modestini and even though it currently lies within a “limbo state” of rehabilitation, it still managed to command a price tag beyond anyone’s wildest dreams.

And what better timing to coincide with than the launch of a biography, Leonardo da Vinci by Walter Isaacson (Simon & Schuster), about the Italian renaissance giant himself and the man behind the painting. Leonardo might have been born in the 15th century, but he’s never “far from pop culture”, let alone homo culture (more on that later) 😉

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There are some things one might not know about da Vinci. Two innocuous, but fun tidbits stood out to me: the fact that “he was left-handed and wrote backwards, less for effect and more simply because it seemed easier” and “he was an inquisitive jack of all trades — painter, set designer, engineer — because that’s what helped pay the bills”.

But the most noteworthy and relevant fact that caught our attention at Bespoke Surgical was (drum roll please)… Da Vinci was himself a homosexual (fuck, yeah, he was!) and enjoyed the company of two younger men, who eventually split his estate. Da Vinci experienced an amazing feat, not only on the insurmountable value of one of his classic paintings, but also his contribution to the continued evolution of LGBTQ+ history. We at Bespoke Surgical find that it’s our job to help educate and link innovators, disruptors, and icons, both past and present, and their gay heritage with our community today. With that alone, cultivating positive values and developing appropriate, positive affirmation, all while de-stigmatizing or de-marginalizing any preconceived differences, is essential to our narrative. The more we incorporate, the more we ASSimilate. But seriously — think about it one more time — $450-fucking-million-dollars. You go, boy! 💁🏼‍🎨

Science: This week, Beth Skwarecki over at Lifehacker covered: how to enjoy anal sex when you have hemorrhoids. A middle-aged women writes in to discuss her current hemorrhoidal dilemma, not only limiting her anal play, but also altering her daily routines of defecation — both tremendously decreasing her overall quality of life.

Having failed many different medical regimens, along with internal hemorrhoid banding without success, the frustrated client states, “I simply cannot handle anyone seeing ugly bulges, the size of small grapes during intimacy, because of the pain and the embarrassment…I really enjoy anal stimulation and anal sex, but it’s not going to happen until I can make my anus look better and feel better.”

After detailing her situation, she poses the question: “Is there ANY process/procedure I can go through that will help me out? I’ve heard of doctors in LA or NYC who work with gay men to create a better back door landscape, but are they my only option?”

The answers that were cited — important to note — were by a clinical assistant professor of emergency medicine and a physician in residence at an erectile dysfunction start-up and were plain offensive and lacked any sort of compassion or sympathy for the “patient”. Tackling her embarrassing issue, the assistant professor chimed in by saying, “Just because somebody is having sex with your butt, does not mean they have to look at it.” WTF? While the other neophyte points out that “there’s no rule saying you have to spread your cheeks and stick your butt in the air.” 😮 Personally, I do think this has to do less with medical advances and more about the taboo of anal sex. There is no shame in some backdoor fun.

As the article mentions, to make a broad statement that medical providers who advertise anal rejuvenation are “scammy” is outright false. I’ve never heard anyone challenging the validity or efficacy of vaginal rejuvenation or persuading clients from not having it done because, who needs the lights on during sex anyway? The way these doctors describe and approach anal sex (and perhaps all sex) is that there is no intimacy or foreplay involved, when in fact, analingus is just as important as cunnilingus 👅

Though the responses from these medical experts are somewhat comedic, this scenario is played out over and over again, not only in the gay community, but also for all those who engage anally. And quite frankly, is not a laughing matter or should be responded with those inappropriate management options; specifically by physicians that know nothing about the science 🔬 behind the behind (the cherished 🍑).

As one of those “NYC and LA doctors” she refers to, I think the best thing to do is just start over and give her appropriate responses to the resolution of her hemorrhoidal disease. When I see people who had banding without improvement and/or developed significant pressure and pain when banded, there’s more than meets the eye. Her description of grapes protruding proves my hypothesis that these supposed internal hemorrhoids, are not just internal, but are either a single or multiple columns that extend from inside, through the rim, and finally external. When it gets to this point, none of the other options of medical management with steroid creams, banding, and/or infra-red coagulation or lasering are truly successful.

The best approach is seeing a specialist, who not only can properly identify your issues, but also truly understands the overall mechanics and aesthetics that one would love to achieve. Losing one’s sexual pleasures and identities, along with having difficult bowel movements, shouldn’t be tolerated and/or accepted, especially considering there are many options for restoration and rejuvenation available.

A same-day procedure is performed with removal of one or two hemorrhoid columns, accompanied with the removal of excess skin externally and laser resurfacing for symmetry. If two columns are done simultaneously, Botox is used to force relaxation in the internal sphincter, which not only allows for faster healing, but also better dilating — all to accomplish the much desired anal penetration.

So, yes, there are people out there, myself included, that do focus on the science behind anal intercourse and help clients every day achieve and accomplish their ultimate goals. There is no doubt the process of anal rejuvenation takes time, patience, and dedication from all parties involved. But I, and my clients, find this well worth it in the end because I don’t want your last option to be to turn off the lights, or to not put your ass up for viewing, or to limit yourself to “just stick with toys!”.

Bespoke Surgical is just that — tailored to your needs, wants, and desires through the combination of medicine with sexual innovation.

Sex: A client of mine was out at The Abbey and decided that he would wear his Bluetooth butt plug so that his partner, who was overseas at the time, could stimulate him on command (disclaimer: this is not out of the ordinary for the both of them). The night started with the usual dancing with friends and it was during a Drake song that the anal stimulation began. They have been playing in this manner for quite some time now, with their normal routine consisting of gentle, love jolts. But this time, the “receiving” partner immediately felt that something was off about how his partner (the controller) was engaging… it almost felt like a different person altogether. The intensity got harder and harder and finally, it got to the point of being painful, which caused him to immediately shut off the device. Right away, he called him in Shanghai, to find out he was actually fast asleep.

Freaked out by this revelation, he realized his butt plug had been hacked.

Last week, Gizmodo dove into a sex toy hacking situation within the context of our world that is all about “total app-connectivity”. The article points out that within this situation, “the gap between what our devices could do and what the law can address widens; particularly with teledildonics — or, sex tech that you can control remotely, over the internet.” It’s fascinating to be able to engage in this manner, but also quite complex in what is lurking around the (cyber)corner.

Alex Lomas, a penetration tester with the British cybersecurity firm Pen Test Partners, published the results of his experiment (similar to the above scenario) and coined the term “screwdriving,” a sexualized play on wardriving. Teledildonic hacks raise interesting legal ramifications with various perspectives on two key components. One lies within the context of consent — to these “vibrations” — and without such, reads as a violation of sexual assault. Second could be “prosecuting screwdriving as a cyber crime, under the 1986 Computer Fraud and Abuse Act, which encompasses all wittingly unauthorized access of a computer as well as the filching of its contents”, as per Stewart Baker — a partner at the law firm Steptoe & Johnson, where his practice covers cyberlaw and technology-related issues.

Regardless of which way a screwdriving case is legally prosecuted, either as a cyber crime or a sexual assault, both are considered felonies. Now, the likelihood that this is going to happen to both you and I and all that play with this enhanced technology, as Gizmodo discusses, is few and far between and quite the minority. However, as more and more is developed, it is an interesting topic to dissect and wonderful to actually “start thinking about what the future of sex crimes looks like”.

I couldn’t agree more about discussing these ever-evolving issues, especially before sex robots start taking over the planet 🤖 But taking a look at the flip side, swirling through some people’s minds right now, including my own, is the notion that if you purchased and/or are engaging within the app-connected sex toy realm, clearly there could also be a sexual fantasy of this stranger taking over — as long as everyone is on the same page. Take a look at Flirt4Free, Camera Boys, or even traditional video-chatting platforms like Skype and FaceTime, which are all set up to engage in a multitude of ways and these acts do indeed stimulate. The key component to this type of cyber play is no different than actual physical contact and engagement, which means both should be on one’s own terms with risks assessed, noted, and agreed upon.

Oh yeah, and just don’t zap me too hard… my ass is sensitive 🍑😳

Stay in touch on Instagram: me and Bespoke Surgical.

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Dr. Evan Goldstein

Dr. Evan Goldstein

NYC Gay Surgeon discussing ASS: A\rt, S\cience, and S\ex www.bespokesurgical.com/