Tales from the Tail — Coming Out on My Own Terms
Client’s Tale
Background required: I am from a small town in Tennessee where religion reigns supreme. Need I say more? I found myself doing the usual sports and such and lived that “All-American” life, for whatever that’s worth. Down South, boys will be boys and one day, I was that boy. And I fucking liked it. I liked it a lot (hell, I still love getting my ass pounded!). And though it was few and far between back then, it did remain a part of my sexual desires, way more than my heterosexual encounters. But I considered myself then and still consider myself today to be heterosexual.
Recently, I got an entertainment job that brought me to Los Angeles and I couldn’t be happier. I always roll with my two guy roommates and, one night, I found myself in a really shitty situation. My boys and I went out for a fun evening at our local bar. Two drinks later, and what I would find out the next day many more, I became separated from my friends (the definition of friends should definitely be called into question — but things happen). I honestly don’t remember a fucking thing. What I can tell you is that although I woke up in my bed the next morning, I could tell right away that something was not right. My hole. My poor fucking hole seemed to have been butchered. I wasn’t bleeding, thank God, but I definitely felt violated. Pain, irritation, and an abnormal amount of looseness. Fuck!
As I mentioned, I am a heterosexual male who dabbles in anal play. The anal play happens to be with other men, where I assume the submissive role — always. Am I gay? Bi? Alien? Or maybe just someone who loves being fucked (but in this situation — I was totally fucked). No one knows my other side, so for two weeks I suffered, more so from the PTSD than the actual anal issues. Finally, enough was enough and I decided I needed to seek medical attention. I did my due diligence, making it a point to at least see a professional who would understand my situation and treat me without any judgement.
I met Dr. Evan Goldstein of Bespoke Surgical in his LA office and we spent over an hour talking about not only this specific event, but also my overall internalized “anal-phobia”. We spoke about my anal desires, past and present, with the hopes of risk assessing and minimizing future physical and mental trauma. Though Dr. Goldstein found some laxity in my anal musculature, he wanted to first look at non-surgical options, such as localized pelvic floor therapy with a professional, to attempt to normalize contracture of these muscles. I have a future appointment in the coming weeks to assess and make further plans for correction. If not, there are surgical options, which I was so happy to have as a fall-back option. He also hooked me up with a psychologist to begin the introspection. I’m aware it’s gonna take a considerable amount of time to identify and accept my true self, but that’s part of life, isn’t it? So stay tuned for an update.
My Discussion
You can always tell a confused boy coming into my office. Head down and mumbling words. I take over and try and ease the experience, leading questions to allow me enough information to not only assess the situation, but also make conclusive and sound corrective actions. This tale has many issues that surround this individual and most are probably stemming from internalized homophobia. Or not. Plenty of people enjoy anal no matter what they identify themselves as. I have seen it all and the corrective measures are always the same. Let’s tackle the physical issue first.
The terrible events that took place are far too common. Someone slipped in a drug and then slipped in much more without consent. It’s fucking disgusting. Thankfully, it could have been worse — trust me, I’ve seen it. For this client, one of the three sets of muscles that aligns from the anal sphincter or the muscle that holds in our shit, broke or was severely traumatized. Luckily, he has the other two sets that can assist with the usual functions of daily living, but since it was the most external musculature that was severed, it is noticeable. From laughing to coughing to just laying around, that looseness can be ascertained. And with the PTSD from the event, it can always be a constant reminder.
As was stated, the best approach is to first see about localized muscle building or hypertrophy. It’s no different from people who like to fist or take larger cocks or objects. One should be using a small plug and contracting around this 8–12 times in a session, having 2–3 sessions a week for 3–5 minutes or so. Also, during gym time, squats, kettlebells, dead lifts, and the like allow for not only gluteal, but also anal musculature building. So, again, another great way to isolate and strengthen that region. It’s takes time and it’s not going to happen over night. I work closely with pelvic floor specialists who can provide in-office localization and/or isolation for assisting in honing this region and providing at home practices to continue the appropriate trajectory.
Sometimes, after weeks and possibly months, it still doesn’t provide relief of the symptoms. In that case, surgery is required. I can perform a plication of the muscle or, in laymen’s term, tighten the muscle of interest. There are some limitations with this, with one needing some extra skin or hemorrhoidal tissue in the region, which allows the signature pucker to form. We need to be cognizant that we don’t go too tight for then one may not be able to fully relax, creating a whole new issue of anal fissures to surface. I have been and will continue to experiment with fillers to take the place of the lost muscle. Just like in the face, we can place these in specific locations with the hopes of providing the desired tightness. It’s still experimental, but I do believe it’s promising. So stay tuned on that front (or that back). Either way, there are lots of options and ways to help this specific client.
This leads to the mental part, which of course is not my speciality, but I’ve learned a lot over the years of hearing terrible stories like this. It’s very difficult to look within — I can speak from first hand experience as I was once married to a woman before coming out. As I age and see two kids growing up before my eyes, I get to experience so much. And I hope at some point or some crossroads, we can all take a deep look into our dark self, but also making sure to not be too self-critical. What do I mean by that? Let’s take this client’s upbringing. Southern gentleman who likes it in the ass. What internalized homophobia comes out of that southern upbringing? So. Fucking. Much. He discussed how amazing it was to move to the LA area and be exposed to such diverse people and communities that allow most people to be able to truly expose or embrace their true self. Now, he could absolutely be a heterosexual who simply loves anal play. And let me let you in on a little secret: ass play is fun, whether on the top or the bottom, and regardless of your gender or sexual orientation. But I’ve learned that sometimes there is much more to the story and it’s by offering a safe space, where clients feel comfortable enough to let all their guards down, that people will really open up. No matter the outcome, Bespoke Surgical is here for you.
Last month, Lucas Hedges, who will be playing a confused teen in the upcoming film Boy Erased, addressed his sexuality in an interview with Vulture:
“I owe it to this part to speak as honestly as possible. In the early stages of my life, some of the people I was most infatuated with were my closest male friends. That was the case through high school, and I think I was always aware that while for the most part I was attracted to women, I existed on a spectrum. I felt ashamed that I wasn’t 100 percent, because it was clear that one side of sexuality presents issues, and the other doesn’t as much. I recognize myself as existing on that spectrum: Not totally straight, but also not gay and not necessarily bisexual… People expect you as an actor to have a voice that’s set in some way, and that’s really not what I am,” he added. “I’m very much within the conflict and confusion of my own life, still, and I definitely feel a pressure to step up in a way. I prefer to step up in my art, and I don’t entirely know how to in my life.”
I don’t think it’s fair to expect everyone’s journey of figuring out their true self to be the same. It takes courage to come out in any way — gay, straight, queer, trans, or even undecided. This is your fucking world and you can conquer it however and whenever you want. Kudos to Lucas for having the conviction and confidence to say, “I don’t know!”
You write your story and I will help you attain your desires. I say it over and over again — by taking the time for true introspection, you allow yourself the truest of sexual potential. Then and only then can you risk assess your actions to minimize the negative ramifications that are not only felt by you, but also the community at large — whichever community you decide to choose as your home. And the beauty of our creation is that it’s ever changing and it’s okay to alter your course as you grow. The more we live, the more we realize we don’t know. So, open your eyes, your heart, and, more importantly — you guessed it — your asshole.
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