Tales from the Tail — Do You Love My Hole?

Dr. Evan Goldstein
Sep 24 · 7 min read

Client’s Tale

I am a hairy southern gentleman. Or so I have been told. Definitely the gentleman part. And, come to think of it, the hairy part as well. 😛 But now that I live in LA, the hair has got to go. The funny part is, it’s not because of gay culture here. It’s actually because of the never ending swamp ass I now have. I dealt with it for a little while, but one day, I realized I just couldn’t take the perpetual itch any more. It’s always sunny and warm in this fucking place. Don’t get me wrong — I love that part of it. But what I don’t love is the fact that with all this beautiful weather and guys perpetually showing off some skin, I always want to fuck. And when my ass is raw and itchy, bottoming is the last thing on my mind — no matter how hot or hung you may be. So I decided to take matters into my own hands and shave off all my ass hair. No more forest. And my thought was: if a hairless crack minimized or completely cured my sweaty ass, I would undergo laser hair removal for a permanently smooth butt.

I was scared of nicks and ingrown hairs, but was not prepared for what was underneath all that hair… Just my luck, I uncovered an even bigger problem once my anus hair was finally gone: a blotchy mess, with pink and dark spots close to my asshole. Jesus Christ. Have you ever taken a good look at your own hole? It’s amazing how much more detail you can see with each new iPhone that comes out. And I gotta tell you, I fell into depression. It’s not a superficial thing, though. Expressing myself sexually is a big part of my well being — mentally and physically — and if I don’t feel confident in the bedroom, I’m not going to put myself (and my ass) out there. You may think I’m just vein, but I promise you it’s more than that.

Fast forward two weeks and not only was I still bummed out, but now my friends were sick of me dwelling on this, too. I got myself into this mess, so why not try and fix things myself (again)? What more could possibly go wrong? So I went out and bought myself an at-home anal bleaching kit. I read all the instructions multiple times and then proceeded with caution. And then… OMG 😮 my poor little hole burned like a mother fucker. I thought to myself, “Great! That means it’s working, right?” Wrong. My ass now looked like a red baboon and not too long after, it started feeling off.

Finally, after this DIY adventure I’d put my poor hole through, I called a personal friend of mine, Dr. Goldstein at Bespoke Surgical. Each year, he sees my hole in a professional setting. I phoned Evan right away and with pics sent via text, we could both tell shit had gone wrong! The chemical burn was beyond any expectations and I was told to wash the area aggressively for an extended period of time. I was also prescribed a burn cream to assist the healing process. All in the name of bottoming aesthetics, amirite?! 🙄😓

Fast forward a couple more weeks and my ass had blistered over. The cream Dr. Goldstein prescribed helped so, so much and eventually my ass had completely healed. Well, more like somewhat healed. The hair grew back and my hole was still blotchy. Back to square one for me. After speaking again with Dr. G, I didn’t realize there were so many ways to tackle all of these problems and the most important thing he said was to seek out professionals who truly understand anal aesthetics. Lesson learned for me and my poor hole.

My Discussion

There are two parts to this unfortunate story: a hairy ass and a blotchy ass, but I’d like to focus on the freckled hole.

People get their butt bleached to enhance their overall anal aesthetics, which I believe also directly enhances their inner psyche and boosts their self-confidence. There’s a cultural and personal phenomenon of wanting lighter anal complexion. Let’s face it, it gets wiped repetitively, becomes sweaty from daily life (like the above client and amazing friend), and it’s where the sun don’t shine. That means it may not look so pretty and for some of us, it doesn’t matter. But for those who like anal stimulation of any kind, why shouldn’t it be just as beautiful as any other part of the body?

Most people ask us: what part of the butt gets bleached? This varies since all asses are different. Butt for the most part, people aren’t looking to change the color of their outer cheeks — they’re looking more for the inner butt and/or the hole itself. And the key is achieving subtle increments of change so that you don’t create a stark contrast between your hole and your outer buttocks. However, it’s your hole and you should do as you want!

Getting your ass bleached is generally safe (when left to professionals, as this client found out the hard way), but the reality is it depends on which methods are chosen — fading creams, chemical peels, IPL (Intense Pulsed Light) or laser treatments, or a combination of all three — and who it is doing the work.

The key, I believe, is actually utilizing all three methods in concert. Many will start with an IPL or a laser treatment to help with depigmentation and then follow it with a chemical peel. The butt is then primed for continued daily use of fading creams for long term results. We think of it like a three-pronged approach, specifically to get the desired and maximum results.

Every skin type is different and having an expert do a formal initial evaluation is key. You can mix and match or just stick to one method to start and see how everything progresses. I am definitely more into a slow and steady approach, seeing what works and what doesn’t. Some key take home points to remember are:

  1. If you want to try any of the “at home” products, I recommend avoiding the ingredient hydroquinone. Even though it’s effective, it’s been classified as a skin toxicant and allergen. Thankfully, most brands have pulled this from their ingredient list and replaced it with safer alternatives.
  2. While chemical bleaching is a fairly safe procedure, based on what’s currently out in the market, I would recommend finding a highly trained medical professional to do this for you rather than doing it at home or at least start with a professional while you build your own confidence before exploring the DIY route. Some unwanted (and avoidable) side effects include: blotchiness, burning, irritation, and even scarring. A rare, but crazy side effect is total depigmentation, which will turn your asshole as white as a ghost. That bleach burn can definitely become a significant chemical burn and not in a good way. It will literally be a pain in the ass.
  3. Unfortunately, nothing we do will last forever. 😒 The time frame depends on which type of treatment you undergo, but nothing will be permanent. The key is to maximize depigmentation first and then follow it with daily creams.

Two effective treatments, respectively, are:

  1. Lasers: just like any laser, it can be a pain in the ass. Check with your specific laser center as they all have slightly different preparations, techniques, and post-instruction procedures. But remember that you’re going to be receiving small jolts of laser in a sensitive region to accomplish your overall goals. Sometimes no pain, no gain. But it’s truly effective and gets the initial stages off and running for long term effects.
  2. Peels: this involves topically applying a blend of acids to the skin, which lessen the melanocytes — the melanin-forming cells that give someone their overall skin color. It’s like a chemical peel for your asshole. Depending on how dark your skin is, you may need to reapply a number of times to see results. The true art lies with the aesthetician blending your native skin tone into the desired skin tone. I joke, but you want the ombré effect — light to dark fading — so that your hole blends into your cheeks and thighs.

Lastly, the daily creams that are out in the market are a great stabilizer that allow you the maximum time of anal greatness. I know, I know. You are always anally amazing. 😉 But this upkeep can be expensive and we want you to get the best bang for your buck (no pun intended).

In summary: first lasers, then peels, and then creams is the usual path and, as stated prior, seek professionals before or in place of the DIY approaches.

And I’m very excited to let you in on a little secret: Bespoke Surgical is going deeper into the aesthetics anal world in the coming weeks. Stay tuned for updates related to today’s tale. Fuck on, boys.

Don’t forget to stay in touch on Instagram: me and Bespoke Surgical.

Bespoke Surgical

An elite practice purpose-built for today’s male and focused on sexual wellness. Founded by Dr. Evan Goldstein.

Dr. Evan Goldstein

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NY | LA Gay Surgeon discussing ASS: A\rt, S\cience, and S\ex www.bespokesurgical.com/

Bespoke Surgical

An elite practice purpose-built for today’s male and focused on sexual wellness. Founded by Dr. Evan Goldstein.