The time I realized everything in life was just a choice.
I had a massive crack in my universe yesterday. You know the kind when you realize something so HUGE, pivotal, foundational and utterly earth-shattering that it rocks your world (i.e. mind) and leaves you floating all starry-eyed?
Ok, so it wasn’t the first time it happened. The first time it happened was at a Byron Katie intensive in June of this year. For the first time there, I was able to see so clearly (and hilariously), every choice I had made in my life and how seriously I had taken those choices and how seriously all of us have taken our choices and then built our lives around them. I started laughing and crying uncontrollably, so grateful for this universe, this life, for the powers that make this all possible and for this crazy, cool, weird, gorgeous world I had co-created with everyone. I laughed and cried and screamed and secretly wondered if I’d gone crazy.
Then as the months floated on and my ‘real’ life caught up with me, I forgot about the crack in my universe and started taking things very seriously again. My fun yet stressful job, my inability to start my own business, my boring life, my sick body, my lack of friends, my inability to create a magnificent life, my inability, my inability, my inability and on and on and on.
And yesterday, my universe cracked open again. I had spent the day mostly at my apartment, grey skies adorning the view out of my windows and a sleepy air about things. My head began going into familiar territory with thoughts like “man, my life is boring” and “it’s grey and dark outside and there’s nothing to do” and feelings of loneliness, apathy and powerlessness.
I was cooking dinner and staring at the chicken meatballs in the pan when it hit me.
OH my god! This is all JUST a choice! I am such a powerful creator that I literally just created a reality called ‘being lonely and bored and apathetic.’ It’s so good and juicy, it might as well be a movie!!
In that instant, I became aware that EVERYTHING in my life has been a choice and from that, I’ve created my entire life. That I had chosen to get miserable jobs so I could be depressed enough to follow my dreams. That I am choosing not to have enough creative projects. That I am choosing not to be as powerful as I truly am. That I am choosing to create the same day over and over again so I can call my life boring. That I am choosing to create the financial situation I am creating now. And on and on and on!
And in looking at all the choices I have made, an incredible joy and lightness comes over me and I have to laugh! I realize again how powerful of a creator I truly am, and what a work of art my life has been.
Looking at my creations, I love all of them — even the dark ones — because I chose them. And I am filled with gratitude because the universe is so benevolent, so giving, so supportive, that it would help make all of my choices come true. It doesn’t care whether I call the choices good or fun or bad or miserable. It helps me just the same.
So what choices are you making that are creating the work of art your life is? And would you be willing to give yourself credit for all the power and creativity you truly be?
In recognizing our choices, there is no judgement, only joy. Because it’s like wow — you can create that? I wonder what else you can create?!
Love,
Mariana
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