A prosthetic family
Philosophy professor shares her family’s story of adoption.
By Kristen Benhardus | Journalist
During the first year after adopting her son Minty from Ethiopia July 2010, Professor Sara Shady had days she would lie on the floor of her bedroom in the morning and think, “I can’t possibly get up and do this again today.”
On a family vacation an hour south of Duluth in January 2010, Shady, her husband Jamie and their five-year-old son Gavin huddled around a laptop at the kitchen table of their rented cabin amidst at least 18 inches of snowfall. They scrolled through names, birthdates and photos of children waiting to be adopted on a waiting child list, which was sent to them from their adoption agency, Holt International. When the photo of 2-year-old Mintesnot (Minty) came to the screen, the Shady’s were drawn to him.
“There was seriously just something about his eyes and smile that I was like, ‘We’re clicking on him first,’ and he was the first one we read about,” Shady said.
“We did not feel qualified or competent to take on a child with special needs or a history of abuse, but we do have a child with special needs and a history of abuse.” — Sara Shady, Bethel Philosophy Professor
By the end of June, the Shady family made its way to Ethiopia to bring Minty home. Although he was not listed as having special needs or a history of abuse on the waiting child list, Minty began having loud, violent tantrums that would last hours.
“We did not feel qualified or competent to take on a child with special needs or a history of abuse, but we do have a child with special needs and a history of abuse,” Shady said. “And that’s OK, because when you have a biological child, you might have a child born with special needs and then you figure it out.”
Minty had a massive screaming tantrum before takeoff on his first airplane from Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, to Amsterdam, where the Shadys had a connecting flight to Minnesota, because he had to wear a seatbelt for the first time.
The flight staff tried to calm him by speaking Amharic while Shady and her husband offered him lollipops and toys, but Minty screamed until he eventually fell asleep.
The connecting flight went smoother for the family with the help of gummy bears supplied every five minutes.
With the ability to choose the location to adopt from, indicating gender preference, being matched with a child and the hours of training and reading that are involved and required in the adoption process to pass through, a sense of preparation and control can form.
“You feel like you’re prepared, and then you’re not,” Shady said.
The Shadys chose to adopt through the organization Holt International because three out of five children get placed in family strengthening programs, which give parents the resources they need to sustain their family and keep their children. Approximately two out of five children in the organization are put into the adoption program if and when there are no other options.
“Ideally, Minty would have been born to a birth mom who had the economic ability to raise him,” Shady said. “Minty had no other family that was willing to take him.”
Through the process of transition, Shady began to think of adoption like a prosthetic family for Minty. As a family, they were able to love Minty, help him function and fill a gap.
“Sometimes we have this sense of family as biology, but obviously in the case of adoption, family is something bigger than that.” — Sam Mulberry, Bethel Assistant Professor of Philosophy
Shady says while her attachment to Gavin was natural, her attachment to Minty was earned and built over time.
“We love him and there’s no difference between Minty and Gavin in our world and in our love for them, but there’s always going to be a bit of a rub, especially emotionally for Minty,” Shady said. “Like you would have with a prosthetic limb, it’s never going to fit quite the same as a biological family.”
In June of 2018, Jamie and Gavin went on a fishing trip in Canada. Minty was not old enough to go, so Shady planned a staycation around the Twin Cities. A St. Paul Saints game, Nickelodeon Universe, and Sea Life at the Mall of America were a few activities on the itinerary. Minty loved the week and still talks about what the ‘Mommy-Minty staycation’ meant to him.
“Sometimes we have this sense of family as biology, but obviously in the case of adoption, family is something bigger than that,” said Sam Mulberry, a friend and colleague of Shady. “Biology is maybe not the strongest thing that ties us together.”
One of Minty’s care workers at the orphanage had made Shady promise that they would remind Minty that his skin is beautiful, like the color of Ethiopian coffee, and she still does to this day.
Every morning, before Minty’s breakfast of Honey Nut Cheerios and a PB&J sandwich, Shady climbs into his bed with hugs, kisses and a special song to the tune of Frère Jacques:
“I love Minty. I love Minty. Yes, I do. Yes, I do. He’s my little coffee bean.”
“That’s such a joyful part of every single day; this is how far we’ve come,” Shady said.
Timeline: Shady family
- Gavin born January 2005
- Minty born May 2007
- Shady family began adoption process spring 2009
- Saw photo of Minty January 2010
- Matched with Minty March 2010
- Shady family went to Ethiopia June 2010
- Brought Minty home July 2010
- Gavin began kindergarten fall 2010
- Minty began kindergarten fall 2012
Source: Sara Shady
