‘Grief has become a part of me’
Professor Nancy Brule shares her stories of love and loss.
By Kathryn Kovalenko | Reporter
Nancy Brule stepped up to the podium. She took a deep breath before starting to speak.
“I have a son named Jacob.”
Brule is a communications professor at Bethel University. Her 35-year-old son, Jacob Eckstein, died suddenly Aug. 8, 2018 from cardiac arrest while living in China. Six months later, her husband Artie Terry had a severe hemorrhagic stroke, leaving him in a wheelchair with difficulty speaking.
“Everybody says ‘Oh, it’ll get better.’ It doesn’t really get better. It just gets…You learn to manage it.” — Nancy Brule, communications professor
Brule has grieved and cried for her son and husband every day for the past five years. And she is just starting to talk about her pain. Brule shared the story of her never-ending grief during a presentation on the Continuing Bonds Theory in the Bethel University Library April 17.
“Everybody says ‘Oh, it’ll get better,’ ” Brule said. “It doesn’t really get better. It just gets…You learn to manage it.”
For four years, Brule tried to keep her grief quiet and continue with life like normal. She went back to work. Cared for her husband. Corralled the goats, chickens and horses on her farm in northern Minnesota. But her grief still spilled over into every part of her life.
On her hour-long commute to Bethel each morning, with KTIS radio murmuring and the first rays of sunlight brushing her windshield, Brule would sob uncontrollably. When she arrived at work, Brule wiped away her tears and steeled herself before teaching her family and interpersonal communication classes.
Silence now filled the space where she used to tell stories about her son. Stories of how he would cry over hurt animals. Curl up in Brule’s lap with his Braveheart Lion Care Bear and listen to her read. Give the clothes on his back to people on the streets of the University of Nebraska-Lincoln campus, where he studied English.
Jacob was full of passion for life, people and causes he cared about. He took trips to Washington DC for marches and protests and loved discussing political, cultural and societal issues. He poured his time and energy into teaching students at the Shaoyang Delesi Center for English Education in China. Although he left China to live on Brule’s farm for six months as he struggled with alcoholism, he was eager to return to China and teach again.
Some days, Brule broke down at the thought of him. Teary eyes, shallow breaths and a tight throat. Her students would sit quietly and wait.
Brule told her students and co-workers at the beginning of the 2018 fall semester that she had just lost her son, and she was unsure of how the year would go. In response, the Department of Communication Studies rallied around Brule and her husband. Terry taught media production at Bethel. When he had a stroke in the university’s parking lot, the department visited him in the hospital and in rehab at Courage Kenny.
Communications professor Ripley Smith has worked with Brule for the past 15 years. His research focuses on social networks, social support and socio-cultural adjustment.
“One of the things we noticed, especially after Artie had his stroke, was that she kind of withdrew,” Smith said.
Brule also closed off at home, barely keeping up with grading papers and feeding goats as she grieved for her son and took on the role of primary caregiver for her husband. For months, Terry and Brule didn’t talk about her son, but now they mention him often, creating a space for her to express her grief.
Brule often finds people tip-toeing around her, scared to say the wrong thing and upset her. But she says staying silent is the worst thing a person can do.
“Send a card, write a note, call them,” she said. “Even if it’s just to say, you know, ‘I’m thinking about you and praying for you.’ ”
In the midst of her grief, Brule has still provided guidance and light to those around her. When Smith walks past Brule’s office, he often hears her counseling students. Senior communications major Hannah Bronner sought advice from Brule after a breakup.
“I knew I could come to her because I knew she would have a lot of knowledge and insight,” Bronner said. “Like her grief over losing her son and her divorce and then being remarried.”
Talking about her loss has helped Brule cope. But she has also found comfort in applying her research on the Continuing Bonds Theory to her own life. This theory says that relationships with loved ones continue even after they die, just in a different form. So Brule lives her life as if Jacob were still alive.
The two spend time together every morning. Brule sits in her living room, cup of coffee in hand, next to her son’s ashes. Beloved objects encircle her. Stacks of scrap paper filled with her son’s handwriting. A sculpture of Eckstein, hand-made by one of Brule’s students. His devotional book and Bible, filled with dog ears, notes and underlines.
Some days, Brule listens to the last voicemail Eckstein sent her. She can recite it from memory.
“Hey mom, dad. I want you guys to know that I love you,” Eckstein says, his baritone voice floating out from her phone speaker.
“Why would I want to stifle my grief? If he was worth loving while he was alive, he’s worth loving while he’s dead.” — Nancy Brule, communication professor
It doesn’t get easier. Brule still can’t use her son as an example in class without tearing up. But she isn’t sure she wants to be able to.
“Why would I want to stifle my grief?” she asked. “If he was worth loving while he was alive, he’s worth loving while he’s dead.”
But Brule has started to speak up about her struggle. Matthew 10:27 reads, “What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight.” The verse has been written on Brule’s heart.
Speaking for seven minutes at chapel in March was her starting point. Now, in the Bethel library, Brule stands in front of a slide that reads Applying the Continuing Bonds Theory. She looks out into the audience surrounding her.
“I have a son named Jacob.”
