‘If anyone has ever peed on a Goldendoodle, please reevaluate’
Luckily, I have no idea what I’m doing.
[Editor’s note: “I don’t know what I’m doing” is a recurring personal column that pays homage to Johnny Auping’s “I have no idea what I’m doing” personal column in The New Yorker. Opinions expressed here belong only to the author, and, we hope, nobody else on the planet.–Josh Towner, opinions editor]
By Abby Pautz | Journalist
I thought college was supposed to help me know what I am going to do in the future. If anything, I am more confused now than I was when I was a freshman. Whoops.
I don’t know how I am going to pay bills. My mom talks to me about the bills my parents have to pay. Who knew that internet, gas, mortgage, and insurance for the house isn’t all just in one bill you pay monthly. I don’t know how I am going to organize paying all those, a job, and trying to cook and eat all three meals. Maybe it seems more difficult and overwhelming than it actually is but still I have no idea how I am going to pull that off if I can’t even remember what cereal I like.
I don’t know how to be married or be a parent. I don’t know why I am worried about being married or being a parent. Does this even matter when I am only 21 years old? I don’t know, maybe. It matters if you go to school at Bethel. Everyone that is single and goes to school here is looking for their future husband or wife. Once they find that person they get married quick at a very young, probably because the want to further their sexual relationship but also still be a Christian and abide by the covenant. That is another thing I don’t know, why no one says the word “sex” at Bethel.
I don’t know why I think of the worst thing that could possibly happen in every situation. Every big event I attend I am convinced someone is going to open fire into the crowd. When I go somewhere new and don’t sit near a door I think there will be a fire and I will be stuck. I don’t know why I think that if I have a headache I automatically have a deadly brain tumor. I don’t know why I have anxiety. I google these things every night between the hours of 2:32 a.m. and 5:34 a.m. and after my research I have concluded that I have about three months of life left…
I don’t know why on the absolute worst days your pocket gets stuck on the door handle and because you don’t know this you proceed to keep walking just to get a face full of door. The next couple hours you will lay on the floor crying because you think that it just can’t get any worse but it totally can. I don’t know why, when you decide to only take one trip from your car to bring a bunch of groceries, suitcases, or Goldendoodle puppies into your house then all of a sudden you need to use the restroom right that moment otherwise pee is just going to start running down your legs. Then your pee will get all over the groceries, shoes, or Goldendoodles.
If anyone has ever peed on a Goldendoodle, please reevaluate.
I don’t know why every single mom tells you to drink water when absolutely anything is wrong with you. If blood were running down my forehead my mom would ask me to drink water outside so I don’t get blood on the carpet. Like no mom I obviously need a full body scan there is a huge cut on my head. Also I have a brain tumor that is most likely producing this issue. I don’t know why moms think they know so much probably because they do but that is annoying so I’m not going to be the one that tells my mom she’s right. Sorry mom.
I don’t know why I pay so much money to go to school at a private university but there aren’t enough parking spots, the food is barely subpar, and there has to be a rodent issue since there are traps all over Heritage. I was taking out the garbage last week and a squirrel almost jumped on me as it was trying to squirm out of the dumpster before I tossed the past two weeks of garbage onto the little guy. Point being, maybe we have a squirrel issue. I don’t know. If anyone ever needs to carry squirrels somewhere you can go ahead and pee on them.
Sorry, I don’t even know how to write a silly, cute, funny ending for this. I suck.
