Joy Sporleder has no idea what she’s doing

By Joy Sporleder

I have a confession: I don’t know what I’m doing. Though I have a very limited knowledge of baking, I know that yeast is what makes bread rise. I couldn’t tell you why.If my life depended on my knowledge of how yeast actually works, I would be dead. How do you even make bread?

I often think about how I’m going to survive in a world without a meal plan. Salad is supposedly healthy but I don’t like it. Kind of like celery. Celery has absolutely no value in this world.

I really should start working out in the Wellness Center. It’s free! I know that the Wellness Center is for getting in shape but for some reason I feel like I am way too out of shape to use it.

Why do I spend so much money on coffee if caffeine doesn’t work on me? I make about as much money as I spend every two weeks. How do I make a resume? Am I supposed to put all of my past jobs on it or just relevant ones?

I never have enough time in my day. Last week I woke up at 8 a.m., went to class and finished class by lunch time. Suddenly it was 8 p.m. and I had five hours of homework to do. I don’t understand how time management is supposed to work.

Why do I always wake up before my alarm clock goes off? Without fail, my body wakes up five to ten minutes before the insistent beeping starts. Doesn’t my brain understand how badly I need that sleep?

I know people who have a sevenstep skin care routine, but I can’t even remember one step. I forget to brush my teeth almost every morning but somehow have never had a cavity. Do some people just not get those?

I have never understood people’s fear of the dentist. It always gives me an excuse to have a nap in the middle of the day. I never feel refreshed after a nap, but I still take them.

I sometimes put off going to sleep because I am worried I will miss out on something. I have no idea what that important thing could be, but what if I miss it?

I feel the need to tell everyone I know that I love thrift shopping. I guess it makes me feel good about myself, but everyone else thrifts too. I really think that just because I bought a pair of Levi’s jeans for five dollars, I’m so cool. It does make me pretty cool, though.