Soraya Keiser has no idea what she’s doing

Soraya Keiser, a sophomore journalism and international relations major, drives the Bethel University campus shuttle and writes for its news magazine, The Clarion.

By Soraya Keiser, Bethel Clarion Managing Editor

I have a confession: I don’t know what I’m doing.

My mind goes blank when asked to share a fun fact about myself, discuss diminishing marginal product or explain how the eye works.

Like, how does putting a sliver of plastic in my eye makes me see things better? And why do I have to pay for vision when most people get it for free?

I have no idea what I’m doing, and I’m pretty sure the ski patrol at Little Switzerland Ski Area agrees. My first run down the bunny hill I fell and tore my ACL. And my meniscus. And my MCL. Call me Lindsey Vonn.

I can never spell Viriginia right on the first try. Or resturant. Or wierd. My insecurities find their root in my failure to do well in the 5th grade spelling bee. I stood in front of Mrs. Lofy and 20 other 12-year-olds, unable to spell misspell.

I don’t understand what makes Blu-ray so special. Or what pastrami is made of. Or why a medium iced chai latte at Royal Grounds is $4.69 while a whole box of chai concentrate is only $3.29. That’s at least eight chai lattes right there.

I don’t know why some pens work for me and others don’t. Is it because I’m left-handed? Do they make left-handed pens?

I will post a picture of the sunset over Lake Michigan and immediately regret it. My archives are full of Instagram posts sent to die. All of my plants die, too. That’s why I don’t name them.

I’m not confident in my math abilities. In Principles of Economics I knew that 25 + 25 = 50, but I still plugged it into my calculator. The answer was 50.

At the Welcome Week show I thought the Olympic theme song was the Quidditch music from Harry Potter. I don’t know how to properly floss without making my gums bleed. I hate paying for gas. I also hate when people tell me they’re a sophomore but a junior by credit. Kombucha scares me.

I like to Venmo people because it doesn’t feel like I’m spending real money. I have to use a straw to drink out of my Nalgene water bottle or else I spill all over myself. I can never apply smudge-free mascara on the first try. I can only edit videos using iMovie.

I also don’t know how to use scissors to cut a straight line. I’m left-handed.