Dark-side of Fitness
College tried to break me with an eating disorder, losing my best friend, and losing myself to an addiction.
By Austin Kelly|Biokinetics Major
My favorite time of the year is summer. Back in the summer of during 8th grade was one of the best summers ever. It started off with my brother and I waking up and playing 3–4 hours of Wizard101. I always got up earlier so I could get the good computer. After about 4 hours of non-stop playing my mom would tell us to go outside. We always swam for an hour of two. After we dried off mom always had a sausage and pepperoni Red Baron pizza ready along with some celery and carrots. I loved dipping them in ranch. We biked everyday to grab ice cream from festival. My favorite flavor was moose tracks.
This is where my addiction started.
I changed my major 2 days before school started freshman year. From a missional ministries major to a biokinetics major. Basically polar opposites. This is where my addiction started.
All through high school I played sports whether it be baseball, wrestling or ultimate frisbee. I always was made fun of for being 4’ 11’’ and weighing 96 lbs. I won’t amount to anything was the phrase that repeated over and over again. The summer before college started that phrase ran through my head constantly. I wanted to change.
My only support system and friend left me.
Luckily my best friend from high school Brady came with me to Bethel and we were roomies. Through the 3 years of ultimate we played together we always went to taco bell after. I always got a chicken quesadilla with to shredded chicken burritos and a large baja blast freeze. After high school we never went to taco bell again. Brady was diagnosed with conversion disorder. A disorder where the mental symptoms of depression and anxiety get converted into physical symptoms like partial paralysis and sudden loss of consciousness. He left Bethel halfway through our first semester. My only support system and friend left me.
Fast forward a year. I weighed myself every morning. I tracked and weighed everything I ate. God forbid I went one calorie over my total. I would just gain 10 lbs of fat and no one would like me. I tried keto, intermittent fasting, OMAD, 16/8, Paleo, Atkins, 6 meals a day, 3 meals a day, and IIFYM. I tried training for 1, 2 and even 3 hours a day. I did weightlifting, LISS cardio, HIIT cardio, powerlifting, bodybuilding, CrossFit, FMT, and even powerbuilding. I spent all my money on supplements on whey protein, BCAAS, fish oil, multi-vitamins, creatine, glutamine, casein, protein bars, and even ZMA.
Totaling up to be over 14,000 calories and I ate all of it in under an hour.
I basically killed myself on the inside and out. My grades were falling. Most of my days I spent researching anabolic burst cycling. This was a 80 page research article written by a Swedish scientist/bodybuilder. Talking about going in 2 week cycles of a calorie deficit followed by a calorie surplus. After 3 hours of research I would end up skipping humanities and bible. After that I would eat lunch specifically bringing my scale and getting the perfect 8 oz of protein, 3 cups of veggies and 70 grams of carbohydrates. By the end of the spring of my freshman year I was 186 lbs. My whole self worth was based on how I looked in a mirror and how much I weighed. I ate clean 5 days a week and then the weekend would come and I binged on Oreos, cookies, ice cream, Taco Bell, Arby’s, Mcdonald’s, Burger King, and anything I could get my hands on. I even had a story highlight on my Instagram with one of my binges documented. Going to McDonald's, Wendy's, Taco Bell, Pizza Ranch, Arby’s, and Burger King. Totaling up to be over 14,000 calories and I ate all of it in under an hour.
I spent every night crying myself to sleep to figure out why my passion had caused me so much pain and heartbreak. I stopped going to church. I stopped going to classes. I stopped hanging out with my friends. I isolated myself in my corner on room 308A for over a month.
I no longer weigh myself or choose my self-worth based on how I look.
Finally now I can say I have a handle on my life and fitness revolves around my life. Not my life revolves around fitness. I have beaten my disordered eating, I have increased my self-confidence, I have beaten my body dysmorphia and I have re-centered my life around God. Health and fitness play a huge role in my life. I still enjoy eating foods and I no longer have a good food bad food mentality. I no longer weigh myself or choose my self-worth based on how I look. I do intermittent fasting 4 days a week to help with my mental focus and sharpness. In addition it also helps me keep my appetite and hunger in check so I do not binge. I am also doing a program called MoveU to help re-educate my body on how to move properly.
Not many are open to share their story and struggles with fitness. Don’t let your self worth be determined on how much “fat” you have or how much weight you can lift or even on how “good” you look. We all need to strive for what makes us happy and follow God’s plan for us.
