Overcoming the Fear of Conflict and Learning to Advocate for Yourself
Avoiding conflict creates problems for everyone. Learn the best practices for dealing with conflict:
Nobody likes conflict — but many avoid confrontation altogether for fear of being disliked, causing rifts, or even appearing uncool. People who avoid conflict create problems within friendships, romantic relationships, and work environments by bottling up their feelings. While avoiding a serious conversation or potential argument seems easier in the long run, it can actually create lasting communication problems.
You may think you’re being “chill” or laid back by constantly letting things slide, but chill doesn’t always equate to being the best friend, partner, co-worker, or teammate you can be. When you avoid conflict, you do yourself and the other people involved a disservice.
It doesn’t have the be that way, though. Below are actionable steps for overcoming the stresses of conflict and learning to advocate for yourself.
Turn a Strained Mindset > Strengthened Mindset
In my own experience, I’ve often worried that bringing up an issue might put strain on a relationship. The fact of the matter is, confronting a problem, when done correctly, can actually improve relationships. Adopt a “strained to strengthened” mindset.
For example: If I’m frustrated with my roommates for not cleaning up after themselves and I don’t say anything, how are they supposed to know there’s a problem? (Aside from, you know, following unwritten societal rules). Letting issues go unsaid can cause unnecessary resentment or anger within a relationship that could be otherwise avoided.
Stick to the Facts:
If you tend to avoid confrontation at all costs, you probably have no idea how to broach a difficult subject. The key is to focus on the facts. Project the issue in a clear and concise way, focusing on the specific situation or behavior and how it affected you. Example: “Yesterday when you left the dirty dishes in the dining room, I was upset because I had to clean it before I could have people over.”
An important thing to avoid is getting overly emotional. Plan your convo ahead of time with objective facts surrounding the issue outlined. That way, you know exactly what to say and can stick to the script.
Example: Do NOT approach the situation with something like, “You have no respect for me because you never ever clean.” Instead, try something like, “Would you mind giving me a hand with the cleaning a few times a week?”
The person involved likely has your best interests at heart…
Truthfully, most people want what’s best for those around them. Especially friends and loved ones, but conflicts happen. Even if that’s not the case, many (hopefully) don’t want to be a jerk. If you calmly address a situation, the person involved will likely change whatever behavior was bothering you. Communication is key, people!
The thought of airing out my grievances with people used to really stress me out. I was afraid that friends would no longer like me, coworkers would think I was overstepping, or teammates wouldn’t respect me. Once I started standing up for myself, however, I found that most people apologized for their actions and changed their behaviors—without giving me a hard time at all!
Luckily, none of my friendship or other relationships have been damaged in the process of learning how to advocate for myself — they were only strengthened by the increased communication and honesty that embracing conflict created. Hopefully, yours will be, too.
