Ever Wonder Why You’re Not Happy? Maybe It’s Not You

To have an ultra—good life, you just have to follow some simple rules.

Zohvib

Published in

Better Advice

6 min readMar 17, 2024

Abraham Lincoln wisely said,

“Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

Reflect on that — a president amidst civil war, finding kernels of truth about happiness.

Yet, here we are, centuries later, grappling with the same puzzle.

Are we really the architects of our own happiness?

Or does the blueprint lie elsewhere?

It was a sunny day in 1943 when Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist, found himself in Auschwitz.

Surrounded by despair, he discovered a profound truth. Happiness, he realized, is a deeply internal quest.

It’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play them.

Everyone has a different meaning of happiness

Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote,

“Happiness is a butterfly.”

It eludes us when pursued. But if you sit quietly, it may alight upon you.

Just like happiness, which doesn’t have a universal formula.

Let’s break it down.

Imagine happiness as a chameleon. It changes colors, adapting to each person’s life and circumstances.

For some, it’s about achievements and success.

For others, it’s in the simple joys, like a child’s laugh or the smell of rain.

There’s a personal touch to happiness. It’s like your fingerprint, unique and distinctly yours.

I recall a friend who found her deepest joy in gardening, watching life grow under her care. It was her sanctuary, her definition of happiness.

You see, happiness doesn’t conform to a single shape or size.

It’s fluid, evolving with our experiences and perceptions.

What makes you happy today might not be the same tomorrow.

And that’s OKAY.

Happiness is not a destination, but a journey. It’s not where you’re going, but how you travel.

It’s in the small, everyday moments that we often overlook in our pursuit of something grander.

Now, let’s add another layer. The pursuit of happiness often leads us down various paths.

Some find it in solitude, others in the company of loved ones.

Writing these words and sharing thoughts with you brings me a sense of fulfillment and joy.

Here’s a thought. Happiness is not a constant state. It’s like the tide, with its highs and lows.

Embracing this ebb and flow is crucial.

After all, without the lows, would we truly appreciate the highs?

Everyone’s meaning of happiness is a mosaic of experiences, emotions, and moments.

It’s a collage unique to each individual, painted with the brushstrokes of life’s myriad hues.

Remember, happiness is not one-size-fits-all.

It’s tailor-made, crafted by and for you.

So, what’s your definition of happiness? It’s a question only you can answer.

No one can be happy all the time

The quest for constant happiness is like chasing a mirage. It’s an elusive, unattainable ideal.

Let’s put this into perspective with a fascinating piece of research.

In 1978, a study by psychologists Brickman and Campbell introduced the concept of the “hedonic treadmill.”

They found that people quickly return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major positive or negative events or life changes.

This phenomenon suggests that no matter what highs or lows we experience, our happiness tends to revert to a baseline level.

Now, think about it.

When you achieve a long-awaited goal, there’s an initial surge of joy.

But soon, that feeling fades, and you’re back to seeking the next source of happiness.

It’s a cycle, a continuous chase.

This doesn’t mean we’re doomed to a life of dissatisfaction.

Rather, it highlights the importance of finding joy in the journey, not just the destination.

It’s about appreciating the small things and understanding that happiness isn’t a permanent state.

Life is a tapestry of emotions. There are threads of joy…

sorrow…

excitement…

and disappointment.

Embracing this range is key to a balanced, fulfilling life.

Imagine a world where happiness is the only emotion. It would be like a song with just one note. Monotonous, right?

On a personal note, I’ve found that acknowledging and accepting my emotions, whatever they may be, has brought a deeper sense of contentment.

It’s okay not to be happy all the time. In fact, it’s normal.

Remember, it’s the contrast of different emotions that adds richness and depth to our lives.

Embrace the spectrum, and you’ll find a more authentic, fulfilling way to live.

You need to learn how to be happy

Believe it or not, happiness is more of a skill than an innate trait.

It’s something we can cultivate and learn over time.

This isn’t just an opinion; it’s backed by research.

Sonja Lyubomirsky, a professor of psychology, provides compelling insights in her work.

She argues that about 50% of our happiness is determined by genetics, 10% by circumstances, and a surprising 40% by our intentional activities and mindset.

This means a significant portion of our happiness is within our control, influenced by our actions and thoughts.

Let’s break this down.

Think of happiness like a muscle. It needs regular exercise to grow stronger.

Mindfulness, gratitude, and positive thinking are the workouts for this muscle. They’re not just feel-good phrases; they’re practical tools.

Take gratitude, for instance. Counting your blessings, rather than focusing on what’s missing, shifts your perspective.

It’s like changing the lens through which you view life. The more you practice gratitude, the more natural it becomes.

Mindfulness is another key player.

It’s about living in the moment, not ruminating on the past or worrying about the future.

Research shows that mindfulness practices reduce stress and increase overall well-being.

I remember a period when I felt stuck in a rut. It was then that I started a simple daily practice of jotting down three things I was grateful for.

At first, it felt forced, almost trivial.

But over time, this small habit shifted my outlook significantly. I began to notice and appreciate the small joys in life more readily.

The lesson here is clear.

Learning to be happy involves conscious effort.

It’s about choosing to focus on the positive, practicing gratitude, and being present. It’s a journey of self-discovery and personal growth.

So, remember, happiness is not just about what happens to you. It’s also about how you choose to respond to life’s ups and downs.

With the right mindset and habits, you can increase your capacity for joy.

You can’t be happy at all if…

…you’re constantly seeking happiness as your only emotional state.

Happiness is not a constant; it’s a fleeting moment that, like a butterfly, lands gently in our lives and then flutters away.

As philosopher Bertrand Russell wisely said,

“The secret of happiness is to face the fact that the world is horrible, horrible, horrible.”

Let’s unpack this.

Happiness is often viewed as a destination. A place we reach when everything aligns perfectly.

But in reality, it’s more of a momentary experience. Seeking it as a perpetual state sets us up for disappointment.

Think about it.

Life is a spectrum of experiences and emotions. To expect only happiness is to deny the richness of the full human experience.

Sadness, frustration, and anger are not just inevitable; they’re necessary.

They give context to our joy, making the happy moments more poignant.

It’s like a beautiful piece of music. Without the contrasts in melody and rhythm, the piece would lose its depth and emotion.

Similarly, our lives need the contrasts of different emotions to be complete.

I’ve found that the most fulfilling moments often come after overcoming challenges.

It’s the struggle that adds meaning to the victory. If we were happy all the time, would we truly appreciate it? Would we grow and learn?

Mark my words, the secret to happiness isn’t in its constant pursuit but in embracing life’s ups and downs.

It’s about finding joy in the journey, not just the destination.

Remember, happiness is not a permanent state, but a fleeting gift to be cherished when it arrives.

So, cherish those moments of joy, learn from the struggles, and understand that it’s the balance of both that makes life truly rich and fulfilling.