How I Was Able to Turn a Work Enemy Into an Ally — Twice

You know that colleague who doesn’t like you? You may be able to win them over with this strategy.

Image Credit: Adi Goldstein on Unsplash

Have you ever gotten the feeling that someone has it out for you, but you don’t know why?

That’s happened to me a couple of times in my career. The first time happened eight years ago. One of my colleagues who was very well-liked in the department seemed to hold a vendetta against me from nearly my first week on the team.

“Kara” was smart, tenured, and quick-witted — all traits that you don’t want in an enemy.

During meetings, Kara would occasionally throw out comments like, “Do you even know what you’re doing?” or “How do you not know how to do this? It’s so easy.” She accompanied some of her biting comments with a good-natured chuckle, so for a while I just thought she had a strange sense of humor.

Then the comments ratcheted up a bit. It felt like she was trying to use me as a stepping stone for social validation, like a bully in an elementary cafeteria. With each cheeky comment she made to me and each nice comment she said to someone else, my confusion deepened.

I had never had a work enemy before. Most of my friends and colleagues would describe me as an optimistic guy who tries to be nice to everyone, so I was entirely clueless as to how to handle this situation. I wasn’t used to political infighting or using verbal ammunition against anyone.

I finally decided to approach my buddy Eric for help. I explained the situation and told him that I was getting tired of all the jabs and right hooks. I told Eric I was planning to pull my colleague aside and just ask her one-on-one what she had against me.

But Eric cautioned me against that approach: “That might embolden her. Then she’ll know she’s getting to you, and she doesn’t sound like the type of person who would lighten up if you call her out on it.”

Eric suggested a different approach: I should go out of my way to treat Kara with respect and even treat her as a mentor. Ask her for help. People love to be needed, so I should make it clear that I needed her. Who knows…maybe she would come around and soften a bit if…