How To Connect With Anyone
It’s about them, not you
Yes, I Watch Love Island Until 6 AM
I have many weaknesses.
I overthink.
I argue for no reason.
I got fired for being a dumba**.
I watch dating reality TV shows until 6 am.
But I do have an innate superpower.
It’s the ability to connect with anyone.
It’s the skill that has called me to become a Marriage and Family Therapist.
It’s the skill that’s improved my dating life.
It’s the skill that’s gotten me into “the popular” group at school and work despite being socially anxious.
It’s the skill that’s maximized my leadership and job opportunities.
It’s helped me, perhaps it’ll help you.
1.It’s Not About You
There’s a common misconception that to connect with another, you have to share your story or experiences.
This is false because whether a person feels connected to you or not is about their perception and emotions towards you.
I had a short conversation with a coworker I was physically attracted to. I asked all the questions. She did all the speaking.
Afterward, she said, “you and your wife are going to be best friends. That’s something I’ve always wanted.”
She had a boyfriend, but I felt her attraction towards me rise because I made the conversation about her.
One of my best friends and I became close after a conversation during lunch in eighth grade. He was having issues with his girlfriend, and all I did was ask questions about their relationship.
After that conversation, he felt close enough to where I was the only one he talked to about his girlfriend. He also shared other never told secrets.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s acceptable and imperative to be vulnerable, but it’s unnecessary and shouldn’t be your focus when trying to connect with others.
2.Empathy
You have to genuinely care about another’s feelings, motivations, interests, struggles, and successes.
Empathy is the biggest reason I’m becoming a Marriage and Family Therapist.
Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve always wanted to know people’s what, how, and why.
What hobbies do you like? Why do you like them?
What are you passionate about? Why are you passionate about it?
How are you feeling? Why are you feeling that way?
The follow-up questions are important because it demands effort and further solidifies the notion you authentically care.
The person has to search deeper within themselves to answer your question, which requires effort. Putting effort into anything shows you value it and are engaged with it.
The same goes for the questionee. Further investigation shows you care enough to exert the energy to learn more.
When someone senses you care about and understand them, it’s impossible for them not to feel connected to you.
3.Listen
This is an essential ingredient of empathy.
If I ask you a question but look at my phone or my surroundings while you’re talking, you’re not going to feel too connected to me.
You’ll feel quite the opposite. You’ll feel like I don’t care enough about you to give you my attention.
Many people have a hard time listening or paying attention because they’re internally distracted.
They might be thinking of what to say next, how stressful work is, how much school work they have to do when they get home, the status of their relationship, their physical appearance, or their next meal.
We focus on what we value. To improve your listening skills, appreciate the importance of the person in front of you.
Or if you’re a narcissistic sociopath who doesn’t care about anyone, value the positives of a connection.
Who couldn’t use a romantic partner, more friends, or networking contacts for jobs?
Regardless of our values, our minds will always commandeer our consciousness if we let it.
That’s why it’s essential to learn to become present to the moment and direct your attention to the person you’re talking to if you want to become a better listener.
I’m naturally an anxious, hyperactive person mentally. To relieve my tension and control my focus, I practice self-compassion and mindfulness.
When I feel edgy, I breathe, relax, and tell myself, “it’s OK. Calm down. Everything’s going to be alright.”
From an internally centered position, I focus on the person’s words and my mind and body’s reaction to them.
My inner sensations will determine my follow-up questions.
Empathetic questions aren’t enough. Listening is proof you actually care about the other person.
Words Of Caution
Don’t do the two things I would’ve done if I read this article.
1.Don’t use “connection” as a way to get people to like you
If you’re eagerly asking questions and listening too intently, people will think you’re trying too hard to get their approval.
More importantly, this sub-communicates that you want something from them and believe you’re below them. When people sense you’re trying to get their approval, they won’t trust you and will distance themselves from you.
In other words, don’t be the homeless guy asking for money.
2.How to connect with people who are different than you?
I had a coworker that no one seemed to understand. She was ditzy, aloof, scatterbrained, and overly giddy.
Honestly, she wasn’t easy to connect with, but she said she got along with me better than her best friend.
Why?
I adjusted my communication style to accommodate hers.
Our connections with people differ.
The connection I have with my mom is different from my dad. I talk about family and work with my mom, but she hates sports. My dad and I can talk about sports all day.
The connection I have with one of my friends is different from the other. I talk basketball with one of my friends, but he hates exercise. I talk about weight lifting and nutrition with the other.
The connection I have with my girlfriend is different from my best friend. I talk about work and school with my girlfriend and talk about my girlfriend with my best friend.
I communicated differently with my coworker to form a connection. I did the usual — ask genuine questions and listen — but I kept our interactions light and playful for the most part.
Instead of asking follow-up questions, I’d make a funny comment, change the subject, dance with her, sing with her, let her ramble about anything that came to mind.
If we did talk about something serious, it was on her terms. I’d intuitively ask further questions if I sensed she had more to say.
The Importance of Connection
The ability to connect with anyone will improve all areas of your life.
It’ll help you meet a mate, make friends, find a job, or get promoted.
Great news: It’s a skill. That means you can learn it.
Remember:
It’s about them. Not you.
Genuinely care about other people. Or, at worst, pretend you do.
Get out of your head and let their words steal your soul.
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