How to Cope When One Partner Has Anxiety and the Other Doesn’t
Learn about your partner’s condition like you’re at school
I suspect that I have had anxiety ever since I was a kid.
It used to manifest initially in the form of extremely good memory (thanks to all the obsessing that happened inside my head). Then it turned to anger and other heightened emotions during my teenage years. And in my twenties, it progressed to panic attacks.
I’m saying all this with the gift of hindsight and introspection. I was actually 23 or 24 when I actually heard the term anxiety and learned a bit about how to spot it. That’s when I realized that I’ve had it all this time.
My partner doesn’t have a tendency towards anxiety. He had no idea what it was until I read up about it and shared my experiences with him. However, he didn’t really have to deal with it until we actually started living together.
When we moved in together, it was very difficult for him to understand what was going on in my head. Firstly, because he had never experienced it himself. But more importantly, it was because I never talked about it until it escalated beyond a point.
We only ever talked about it when I had some kind of breakdown. As you would expect, those discussions were hardly ever constructive. They were just fights. And then we forgot about it and started all over again during the next breakdown.
Humans learn by repetition
Despite all our complaints about the education system, there’s a reason that schools and colleges produce results. Most humans learn best when concepts are drilled into them repeatedly. When you teach a concept in class, conduct a mid-term exam, a quarterly exam, a half-yearly exam, a pre-pre-finals, a pre-finals, and then finals — the odds are the student is going to remember the concept.
As adults, we still learn the same way. We get better at our jobs over years of doing the same thing repeatedly. After a point, we get promoted or we get a better job.
We get more efficient at our personal lives by following the same routine over years. Eventually, we find the confidence to add a pet or a baby to our lives, and then we learn how to get better at the new routine that comes with that.
Learning about anxiety is no different. It’s possible to get smarter about anxiety in the same way we get smarter at our jobs.
We all need to start talking about anxiety on a daily basis. And not just when times are tough. There are tangible things that both partners can do to make this process easier and bring you closer together.
What the partner with anxiety can do
Talk about it every day
This is a topic where you literally cannot run out of material. As someone with anxiety, I know that there are plenty of mental spirals that come from simply existing in the world.
And these spirals are worth talking about, no matter how big or small they may be. It helps educate your partner. They start to realize that they just have to listen to it on a daily basis, whereas you actually live with it inside your head. It helps them developed empathy for your condition.
Maintain a journal and show it to your partner from time to time
If you’re not already writing an anxiety journal, I highly recommend that you do. It doesn’t have to be an everyday thing, but it’s a really helpful activity during those moments when things are piling up and you have no outlet.
Show this to your partner from time to time. When you write during the overwhelm, you are a lot more honest and less filtered. It is very different from the polished version you present after you have recovered.
Your partner needs to see what it’s like in your head during the overwhelm. They will learn not to overwhelm you further when they see you breaking down the next time. It helps them understand how much things can escalate in your head.
Add some fun and humor to it when you can
My partner and I have this ongoing game where I say “Fun facts about my anxiety!” and tell him about a little quirk in my mind that has developed over time.
For example, whenever I hear an airplane passing overhead, I imagine it crashing right on top of us, vividly detailed with a picture of ruins and everything.
Whenever I’m driving and I hit the brakes, I immediately imagine a vehicle crashing into mine from behind. And I always check the rearview mirror to reassure myself that the car behind me has stopped in time. (Most of the time, there isn’t even a vehicle behind me!)
What’s great about this game is that I have already learned to control these fears. They are active fears anymore. I don’t need to journal about them. They come and go for a split second and I can move on from them, but in hindsight, they’re so ridiculous. It’s fun to talk about these things and listen to a “Holy shit!” from him. At the same time, he learns how much bandwidth gets used up by my anxiety, even if only for a few moments.
I’m sure you have some version of your anxiety that you can laugh about too. Try making it a game, and see if it works for you.
What the partner without anxiety can do
Use online resources to learn about anxiety
There is plenty of reading material available online to understand and learn about anxiety. Sign up for newsletters from websites in the mental health industry, so that you get regular content in your inbox.
If you’re more into listening than reading, there are good podcasts to help with this as well. My partner found The Anxiety Coaches very useful.
Basically, the idea is to create some kind of online course for yourself and put it in your daily schedule. Educating yourself during the good times can compound into some great responses during the bad times.
When your partner is spiraling, ask for a blow-by-blow account of what’s going on
Most of the time, the person spiraling feels like the world is ending. You can help by getting them out of their head and into the real world.
When you get them to talk about each and every thought that’s bothering them, it breaks down the one big thing into little solvable and manageable things, which eventually calms them down.
Don’t make decisions when your partner is in the middle of a spiral
While spiraling, people generally feel an insane sense of urgency to make a decision that will “solve” everything. It is never a good idea. I don’t need to tell you that big decisions are best made in a calm setting.
When your partner is trying to make a big decision during a spiral, gently tell them that you support them, and they just need to wait until the evening before taking action.
It’s a long term project, but it’s definitely worth it
My partner and I built a regular practice to talk about anxiety, and now he accommodates my issues easily. This is amazing progress from the initial days when our conversations used to be “Just chill, don’t worry about it”, followed by “You suck!”
If we can get from there to “Tell me how you feel, help me understand”, then you can too. It takes time. It took us between six months and a year to have better conversations. You just need to stick to it, the way you stuck to lessons at school. And just like school, you get smarter with continued exposure and practical training. With time, reacting to your partner’s anxiety in a healthy way becomes muscle memory.
It always seems tough at the beginning, even impossible. But keep reminding yourself that you’re a kindergartener looking at fractions and wondering if you’ll ever understand it. One day you’ll be able to do it with your eyes closed. It’s not hopeless, it’s just the beginning.
If you’ve given this a shot, I’d love to hear about your success stories. Leave a comment below and let’s get talking!
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