Looking For Misery? Try Helping Someone Who Doesn’t Want To Be Helped
You can’t clap with only one hand.
There is a popular saying among mental health practitioners — you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.
My counseling lecturer used to emphasize that it doesn’t matter how good you are in therapy. Unless the client is willing to cooperate, you’re not going to help anyone.
The story with my neighbor
Richard was my neighbor for as long as I can remember. We used to play together at each others’ place almost every weekend when we were little. So yeah, we were quite close… until we went to different high schools.
Years later, Richard reached out to me and asked for a catchup session out of the blue. We met up at a quiet cafe and it was awkward. He said he didn’t bring any cash and will pay me back later (which 99% of the time doesn’t happen).
This was the first sign something was wrong. I mean, we were technically strangers after all those years and you don’t ask strangers to pay for your drink. While sipping on his cup of hot soy milk, it didn’t take long for him to start telling me about how life’s been shitty for him.
Richard was always a smart fella. Too smart for his own good.
He was calling his ex-boss stupid for not recognizing his worth. Obviously, they didn’t see eye to eye and the boss decided to get rid of him. He’s been unemployed for a couple of months which explains the “I didn’t bring any cash” stunt.
Also, it’s a little sad because it seems that he doesn’t have any friends either. Otherwise, why would he consider me, the “Hi/Bye” neighbor to listen to his complaints?
As he goes on and on about how the world is unfair to him, this came out of my mouth — “Do you want to know what your problem is in my opinion?”
Richard started raising his voice and I could see the veins on the side of his head building up. It was a really awkward situation but thank god it was just us in the cafe. He was getting heated up from being challenged.
“I didn’t ask for your opinion, I only invited you here to listen,” said Richard before he continue talking about his problems without any intention to solve them.
I was pissed and to be honest, humiliated for even trying to help him. Yet I sympathized with him for being lonely.
Months later, I heard that his car got towed because he didn’t have the money to pay for his violation tickets. He asked if I could help drive him to the police station so I did.
Again he was blaming everything from the police to his ex-boss (I had no idea how this relates to his car) on the way there. He wasn’t interested in taking any accountability for what happened to him.
We haven’t spoken since then. God knows what’s happening with him now.
You can’t help everyone unless they allow it
We always want to think that we’re some messiah and that we can save and influence others to live a better life.
You can try to voice out, profess, provide support to the best of your abilities but if the receiving end is not open, it’s all going to hit a wall.
The truth is, we can only help as much as the person is willing to receive. Richard needed someone to pay for his soymilk and drive him to the police station but he rejects any attempt from others to change his perspective.
He only wants his “assistance” cup to be filled to a certain point. Any additional help beyond that would be seen as a “spill” and nuisance even if you think he actually needs the help.
Excessive help is a blow to the ego
Let’s be honest, all of us have pride, ego, whatever you call it. We want to believe we are capable of getting through difficulties on our own. And most people might feel that asking for help is embarrassing.
It’s another way of saying:
“I need help because I am not capable of doing this on my own. I’m the worst person on earth for being incompetent.”
There will be times when reality hits us so hard that we are willing to forego our pride for help. Then again, pride is part of human nature and there is no way we’re giving everything up. This is why we only accept help to a certain point where our ego doesn’t kill itself.
Be neutral about helping others
I used to feel disappointed when someone doesn’t take my advice or accept my assistance. I would think that maybe I was not good enough or they are disrespecting me for rejecting my “good intentions”.
Then I realize the true nature of me offering help — I was trying to prove my worth to others. If I was 100% sincere, why would I even feel bad if others think they don’t need my help?
After contemplating about the encounter with Richard, I try to be as neutral as possible in offering help, be it personal or at work. I stop making this all about me and more about others.
- If they accept my help, good. We can solve problems together (and maybe brush my ego a little);
- If they don’t, even better. More time for myself;
The verdict
Here are some questions to ask yourselves the next time you think about help:
- Am I too proud to accept any help?
- Am I helping someone too much that it affects their self-esteem?
- Am I focusing on myself or others when I’m offering help?
- What does help mean to me and others?
