How to Make Better Decisions

Curing Indecision with Mindset and Intention

After a year of self-study, I’ve taken my National Strength and Conditioning Association Certified Personal Trainer exam and passed! 🎉

Now, I’m in the midst of job hunting! I have SO MANY thoughts and feelings about the process, and am attempting to bring mindfulness, curiosity, and even joy to what often feels like a process rife with uncertainty, anxiety, and stress!

As I continue to observe my mind as she spins in a hamster wheel from time to time during this journey, I am finding comfort in acknowledging that the job I take doesn’t really matter.

Really! It doesn’t matter!

HANG ON. You might be wondering how that can possibly be true. I’d argue that this is sort of the secret to anything in life — especially any big decision — that it doesn’t matter so much which way you choose to go, what matters is your intention and thoughts surrounding the process.

Intention (vs. Actions/Behaviors)

Our intention matters in all aspects of life. Intention can be the difference between giving someone hard feedback out of love or because we are trying to hurt them; it’s the difference between going through the motions in a workout and really engaging the correct muscles to get the desired adaptation; intention is everything!

It’s no different when it comes to big life decisions such as job hunting, choosing who to date or marry, whether or not to have children, where to live, etc. We often focus on the choice or the behavior/action — this job or that job, this partner or staying single or that partner, procreating or not, moving here or there, when in reality it would serve us far better to think about the intention behind our choice and action. It’s a subtle distinction, but an important one that shifts our focus from action to intention.

• Should I take this job? — > What is my purpose?
• Should I marry this person? — > Why might I want a partner?
• Should I have kids? — > Which relationships do I want to cultivate?
• Should I move? — > What environment would be most conducive to supporting my goals and desired lifestyle?

When it comes to intention, we are talking about bigger-picture matters that relate to our values and priorities. The questions and answers will be different for everyone, and that’s completely fine. But far too many of us go through life taking a job or settling for a relationship or life that isn’t really in line with our deep inner purpose or values. We may not even know what that purpose is or what we value. I’ll include a couple of books at the end of this post that I’ve personally found useful as resources to slow down and get clear on purpose and values!

Thoughts (and Feelings)

Part of why it’s hard to shift from action to intention is that it requires slowing down and being with ourselves for long enough to feel our feelings and identify our thoughts. In the modern age of social media and busy schedules, it’s tough to get a minute to sit and think, and even if you find the time, you may be surprised to discover how much resistance you experience to sitting with your thoughts and feelings.

I would argue, with the support of the field of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), that slowing down, and learning to sit with thoughts and feelings, is an essential piece of the puzzle of…well, being human. But it’s particularly helpful when it comes to making big decisions!

CBT is a type of therapy that essentially posits that situations or circumstances are not problematic in and of themselves; rather it is our reactions and resistance to them that cause suffering.

As an example, let’s say you lose your job. Sounds pretty bad, right? Well…maybe. CBT would argue it’s not the circumstance of losing your job, but rather your thoughts about it, and then the feelings those thoughts create and the behaviors and actions you take (or avoid) that cause suffering, if any. To play this out, here are two possible reactions to the circumstance of losing one’s job:

Possible Reaction #1:

• Situation/Circumstance: Lost my job
• Thought: I’m not valuable; nobody is going to want to hire me now.
• Feeling(s): Hopeless, sad, despondent
• Behavior/Actions: Distracting/numbing behaviors (scroll social media, check email, possibly eat or drink mindlessly)
• Result: ??

We can see that the above thought and feeling will lead to less than optimal behaviors and actions. Nobody wants to feel hopeless, sad, or despondent. It’s natural and very human to want to numb out from those feelings, but doing so will be likely to reinforce the original thought and feeling, thus perpetuating the cycle and ultimately probably leading to a less than great result. It’s almost as though you create the reality of not being valuable through your own behaviors, which stem from your feelings (which you yourself, probably unconsciously, cultivated with your, probably unconscious, thought 😶‍🌫️).

Whoa. 🤯

What if the same situation/circumstance played out differently? 🤔

Possible Reaction #2:

• Situation/Circumstance: Same (Lost my job)
• Thought: I have always wanted more time to reflect on what I’d find more rewarding professionally; now is my chance!
• Feeling(s): Excited, Hopeful, Eager
• Behavior/Actions: Journal/Reflect, Spend time with thoughts/feelings and get in touch with inner values and purpose, set intentions and ambitious but achievable goals, make plans for how to take steps toward those goals, build momentum, get clear on your priorities, have meaningful conversations with those in a position to support your journey, engage in personal and professional growth and learning
• Result: ??

See how different that thought was? You can trace how that new thought created different feelings, how those feelings in turn led to much more productive actions and behaviors, and you can imagine the positive cascade of results to come.

Note that in the first reaction, the thought was likely automatic and unconscious. Meanwhile, in the second reaction, the thought is likely chosen on purpose, with the intention of creating a better outcome.

Now. This isn’t in any way meant as toxic positivity or glossing over the reality of hard feelings. In fact, I’d argue it’s really valuable to write out your thoughts/feelings/actions, whether in some kind of CBT-esque model or Neuroscience-backed habit loop map, or in some other way that makes sense to you, in a sort of Pre/Post manner:

• Your initial reaction to a circumstance (that’s going to be the more autopilot/unconscious/probably darker model) and,
• after some time sitting with the first model of your thoughts, feelings, and reflecting on whether the resulting behaviors/actions are serving you or not, a second, more intentional model of thoughts, feelings and purposeful actions that can lead to a bigger, better outcome!

Screenshot Images courtesty of lifecoachschool and Dr. Jud Brewer’s Map My Habit from his Unwinding Anxiety Program

This will enable you to slow your racing mind down to the pace of your hand moving across the page, which will in and of itself lend clarity to your processing by way of Schrödinger’s Cat phenomenon that the act of observation changes the reality of a situation.

I’m also not suggesting every decision needs to be as complicated as unanswered theories of quantum mechanics and reality, but, I am suggesting that when it comes to big questions, it’s useful to try on different thoughts to see how they feel and what they lead to, kind of like you might try on different blazers before going to a job interview to see which one suits you best!

I’ll wrap up with a few questions I’ve been reflecting on the last few days as I go through the fun roller coaster of managing my mind around the process of looking for a my first job as a personal trainer. These have been really useful to get out of the actions/behaviors and back up/slow down to the intention behind my decision and the thoughts I am practicing about whatever option I ultimately choose. These came from this Unf*ck Your Brain podcast episode on Making Decisions:

Questions to ask yourself when you’re trying to make a decision and Resources to Go Deeper:

• If I knew that I could feel however I wanted, what would I choose?
• If I knew I was not going to feel anxiety, guilt, shame or regret, which option would I prefer?
• If I knew I could feel proud of myself and happy and confident whichever decision I made, which would I choose?
• If I knew it didn’t really matter which decision I chose, that it wouldn’t impact my feelings or wellbeing, which one sounds more fun?

Along with these questions, I personally have found it equally important and helpful to get really clear on my purpose and values. Two books I’ve enjoyed and recommend for slowing down and tuning in include Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport and The Power of Full Engagment by Jim Loehr. I would love to know of other books, podcasts, and other resources you may have found helpful in your journey!

*Links to the books above are amazon affiliate links; if you were to use those links to purchase them, I would recieve a small compensation!

Do you get paralyzed with indecision, anxious or stressed, particularly about big life decisions?

If so, what do you think about the above ideas? Have you played with any mindset work like this when it comes to making a big decision? Or, would you consider doing so in the future? I’d love to hear how you think about these choices and what if anything resonated or didn’t land with you! Leave a me a comment below! 💗