How a Fashionista on Facebook Got Me to Ditch My Yoga Pants
As an apple-shaped woman, fashion seemed to be something I had to enjoy from the sidelines—until Patricia took me under her wing.
I love makeover shows. Stacy and Clinton. Jeannie Mai. Tan France.
There’s always this magical moment when the person the stylists are working with starts standing differently when they seem to become a different version of themselves simply because they’ve changed their wardrobe.
But in spite of the number of makeover shows I’ve binged, I’d gotten extremely comfortable in my work-from-home yoga pants.
My friend, Sarah, quipped, “I’m pretty sure that by the end of quarantine, we will have become a workforce who has forgotten how to wear pants.”
She’s not wrong.
According to a May 2020 survey, only 53% of people regularly wear pants when working from home.
Why Don’t We Want to Get Dressed?
Honestly? Clothes are hard.
In addition to the emotional baggage that I still carry (installed by a callous cheerleader in middle school), there’s also the imagery that tends to go hand-in-hand with fashion. On all the glossy magazine covers and Instagram feeds, I’ve never seen a model shaped like me.
I’ve spent most of my life feeling like my body is the wrong shape. This was true even when I was a size eight. I hired a personal stylist once, and while buying trendy clothes made me finally feel like I was “doing it right,” she was focused on trends — which meant she dressed me like a skinny girl. When I mentioned how uncomfortable the clothes were, she told me I should “buy Spanx.”
Have you ever tried on Spanx?
Nothing implies your body is the wrong shape more clearly than pulling on the nylon and spandex version of a sausage casing that cuts off your respiration.
I should have walked away from the experience feeling like the clothes simply didn’t fit, but instead, I felt like I was the one who didn’t fit. I tried again a few years later with a personal shopper from Nordstrom and wound up weeping in the parking garage as stabs of guilt tore through me over the ridiculous amount of money I’d just spent on a trivial pair of jeans.
Nope. Fashion was not for me.
Still, I kept binge-watching makeover shows, wondering if there was some secret way to experience that same sassy transition.
Stalking a Diva on a Dime — And an Unfortunate Photo of Me in Jeggings
Midori Heckman admins a group she launched on Facebook called “Apple Shapes Collaborative.” It’s a forum where women play with styles and share advice.
For the record, “apple shape” isn’t about weight. Thin people can be apple-shaped. It just means that you have a heavier mid-section with a wide torso, broad shoulders, and often wear bras sized larger than a D cup. After menopause, most shorter-framed women find themselves in the “apple shape” category — even if they didn’t start there.
I became fascinated with one woman in the group who posted herself in the most stylish outfits. She was elegant. Sharp. Beautiful.
I found myself looking forward to her photos. One of the things that impressed me the most was her use of color and pattern. It always seemed to be the right balance — regardless of what she was wearing.
As I asked about her various looks in the comments, she gifted me new vocabulary: waterfall jacket, trumpet skirt, swing coat, shift dress. It had never occurred to me that there were terms for differently-shaped pieces.
She would also often post the cost of an outfit. She looked like a million bucks — at thrift store pricing. I read every post, learning as I went. I bought some new clothes, trying to mimic what she did with color and pattern, posted a few photos, and tagged her in my posts.
She friended me.
It turns out that “style maven” isn’t her day job. Patricia Neely-Dorsey is a poet who lives in and writes about Mississippi.
I tried another new look and posted it to the group. I knew it wasn’t working, but I didn’t know why. The discussion devolved into a deliberation over the pros and cons of belts. Patricia messaged me privately and offered constructive advice.
She then made an offer I hadn’t expected:
“Let’s do this journey together! Ask me any questions — and when you pick an outfit, send me a picture, and let’s discuss how to make it absolutely fabulous for you! We want every outfit to be at least a 7 or above on a scale of 1–10. Show me some pictures of your favorite wardrobe pieces. Let me help you complete your look! I love your enthusiasm and your 100 watt smile! You rock!”
Not only did she make me feel glorious, but she had also just invited me to 30 days of what turned out to be style boot camp.
Clicking My Way to New Colors and Shapes Helped Me Learn How Clothes Work
The first thing I learned outside of that Facebook group about Patricia is that she is a phenom at lifting others up. She also has an incredible eye when it comes to people and clothes. She sent me a color pallet and ideas for the basic items I needed in my closet. I sent her a picture of what was already in my closet.
Then, she started sending me links from a resale site: Poshmark.
She told me what to offer for each item. “See if they will take less,” she encouraged.
Patricia was right!
They always took less.
Patricia would randomly send a new cool link from Poshmark to help me learn what to look for, then I would click and order my new-to-me clothes.
My husband called a few days later because he couldn’t buy gas with our debit card. (It appears that clicking and ordering without tracking your spending will eventually overdraw your account. Oops.) It was a little embarrassing when, that same evening, he came home to find our doorstep overflowing with packages. (Luckily, he wasn’t that upset.)
I gleefully gathered up the parcels, tried each item on, and sent photos to Patricia, who told me how to wear each item. When I didn’t like the way something looked, she would often have me make a small change, which transformed an initially blah look into something I felt really good in.
I recorded all her notes in my journal, to help me remember the guidelines, and learn to do this on my own.
One of the boxes had clothes in it that I hadn’t ordered. I was so bummed because every single piece in the box looked as if it could have been hand-selected just for me. I checked the return address so I could send the box back to the Poshmark vendor who had made the mistake — and discovered that the clothes had been hand-selected for me. They were from Patricia! (Amazingly, she did this more than once.)
There Is Serendipity in Sharing Your Gifts
I’m pretty sure Patricia didn’t intend to launch a style boot camp the day she reached out to me. She just saw someone who needed help and was kind enough to offer her expertise.
But at the end of this generous gift of 30 days, I find myself with a deeper and very personal understanding of what those people on makeover shows experience. When you wear clothes that look good and are authentic to you, your confidence rises. You feel amazing.
You no longer feel like you don’t fit.
The fashion industry creates a design template and then produces it for the masses — but we are all different shapes and sizes. We have different lifestyles and live in varied climates — which makes what we need from our clothing distinct. One size really doesn’t fit all. Patricia showed me that I wasn’t a mismatch for the clothes that didn’t work for me. The clothes were a mismatch for me, and it was up to me to learn which shapes and colors worked, and which didn’t.
Here’s another thing I learned in style boot camp:
The camera gives better feedback than the mirror.
During those 30 days, when I saw the photographs that I snapped for Patricia, I’d often realize that what looked just fine to me in the mirror wasn’t actually working. When I asked her why, she would tell me “add a belt,” or “change the color of the shirt,” or “push your sleeves up.” Every tweak made a difference.
She continued to share her talented eye with me, and eventually, I started to learn how to see for myself.
It Takes Bravery to Put Yourself out There
There’s another part to this story that I absolutely love: how Patricia’s willingness to create and put herself out there created an impact. This never would have happened if Patricia hadn’t snapped photos of her looks and posted them to the Facebook group. Her talents and insights were visible because she made them visible. She shared them.
It takes bravery to create something and put it out into the world where anyone can comment on it. Most people hide their gifts because they are afraid of the critique. Here’s the thing:
Criticism is easy. Creation isn’t.
But being a creator can result in serendipity that changes the lives of others in ways you wouldn’t expect.
Following Patricia’s posts, it’s obvious that she doesn’t share the looks she creates because she needs validation. She shares them for the joy of it, for a sheer delight she has in fashion and feeling beautiful. As the knowledge and insight she puts out there spreads, she becomes the inspiration for tangible, positive change. As for the criticism? Patricia observed once, “You can be the ripest, juiciest, peach in the barrel and still there will be someone who doesn’t like peaches.”
Her message for me was simple: you don’t have to spend a lot of money to look great. You don’t have to settle for yoga pants and flip flops. You can feel good in your own skin. And it not only changed both the way I think about fashion, but also the way I feel about myself.
I am incredibly grateful for the heart that prompted Patricia to reach out and teach me. I hope everyone who struggles with dressing themselves finds an empowering mentor like Patricia! (I asked her if she has plans to launch a real style boot camp, and she doesn’t. Yet.)
If you find yourself wondering if it’s time to start getting dressed again, a Facebook group for your body type might be a great place to start. (If you are apple-shaped, you can join Midori’s group or follow Patricia.) But it’s not enough just to join. You need to be brave enough to stop lurking and start asking questions and sharing.
Who knows?
You might find your own Patricia and discover one of the secrets that makeover shows keep celebrating: There is so much more to life than yoga pants.
