If Programming Languages Had Honest Slogans

A little comedy for all of us right now

Anupam Chugh
Apr 19 · 3 min read
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Photo by Lee Soo hyun on Unsplash

Software engineering is one field where experiences can vary. Some relish programming while others can find it frustrating. Building software can stress anyone out, no doubt about that.

In order to avoid that, here’s a list of honest slogans depicting some of the popular programming languages — with no intention of offending anyone. Humor helps build connections and I hope some of these would make you chuckle.

Java

We’re getting old and were always verbose. But pay us and we’ll give you long term support.

C

I might be the oldest, but you still have to allocate me space. Pointing at others is my favorite hobby.

C++

You can hate us, despise us, but we’ll find our ways into your framework. We believe in friends at work.

C#

I’m neither like my father nor a music note. I’d see sharper than Java, only if there was cross-platform GUI support.

Lua

Beginners love us because array indexing starts at 1. But arrays aren’t arrays and objects aren’t objects as we view everything as tables.

JavaScript

We promise, this isn’t a script for Java or derived from it. By the way, Apple’s Safari engine still calls us back.

Python

We’ve made it possible to write pseudo-code in real even if you don’t understand it. Not a semicolon or a bracket but extra whitespace is all it takes to cause chaos.

Go

Google wasn’t only lazy with my name — they robbed us of generics and lambdas. But we have the best anthem.

PHP

You needn’t learn much to use me but one missing bracket is all it takes to hate me. We offer no naming conventions or styles by default and are only as bad as you make us look.

Swift

We’re easy on the eyes, concise, and faster than many. Not as confusing as Objective-C until you run out of memory.

Kotlin

We’re the language every Java developer deserved. Saving you from the dreaded NPEs and verbosity while running on the good old JVM. But you can’t have fun.

Rust

Not as outdated as my name, I provide memory safety, avoid possible race conditions, and am averse to garbage collectors. I love borrowing and am stronger than “C” only if you have time to learn me.

COBOL

We resurrect every few years and even today the whole unemployment system depends on us. Besides, we are hiring.

Programming jokes are there from the beginning and no language is averse to it. Different languages tackle different problems and that’s why there are so many. It’s human nature to target languages that are popular. As a closing note, I’d like to say — while the above slogans do portray truths, don’t take the jokes seriously. Every language has it’s own upsides and downsides and I hope this piece gives you a little more push to dig into the foundations of a language.

Thanks for reading.

Better Programming

Advice for programmers.

Thanks to Zack Shapiro

Anupam Chugh

Written by

Pouring thoughts in technology and code. Writer with over 2M views. An Android and iOS developer by the day. Sometimes funny. linkedin.com/in/anupamchugh

Better Programming

Advice for programmers.

Anupam Chugh

Written by

Pouring thoughts in technology and code. Writer with over 2M views. An Android and iOS developer by the day. Sometimes funny. linkedin.com/in/anupamchugh

Better Programming

Advice for programmers.

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