Work Isn’t Working for Women
Recounting a box-ticking, DEI nightmare of a meeting
At my previous company, my attendance was requested at a meeting titled “Work isn’t Working for Women”. The meeting invitee told me that it was a session for women to share what’s working and what’s not in our workplace.
I joined.
30 minutes in — you’re presenting a list of stats, telling me why it’s good for business that my ovaries are here. These business cases always make me chuckle, in that I-hate-the-f*cking-system kind of way. It’s the perfect reminder that you don’t care about me or about progress — you care about the bottom line. And if my ovaries can help you get to a better year over year, pull up a seat babe — we’re in this together.
35 minutes in — you’re showing a video that illustrates the disadvantage women have in the workplace. No questions have been asked — you haven’t listened to a single story.
40 minutes in — you’re telling me about the 4 types of bias women face in the workplace — neat little categories to help us name them. Science tells us that this will help us cope. If we can name and sort to atrocities, it’ll make them easier to digest.
50 minutes in — you’re telling us about CPR — a little acronym to help us remember how to deal with sexism. Heaven forbid you to spend some time putting together an acronym to remind the oppressors to be less awful 🙃 🤷♀️
60 minutes in — you’re telling me that the “R” in CPR is “record”. That taking time out of my workday to document the offensive behaviour of other people is the right thing to do and a good use of my time. A gentle reminder that it’s my problem to fix, not yours, or theirs.
70 minutes in — you’re telling me about other methods to cope with sexism. At this point I’ve faded into a fit of blinding rage. You still haven’t listened.
80 minutes in — closing remarks, and the reminder to start small. That starting small is the best path to combat the barrage of assaults on our rights. That starting small is how we change this. How any change happens — asking nicely, and waiting for others to respect the ask.
85 minutes in — I send this feedback to the male leader that requested my attendance:
Hey hey, I am really glad we’re getting together and having these conversations — but to be honest, the conversation feels outdated, and places the weight of fixing this problem on women.
If we want to elevate women in their careers, don’t pull us into sessions like this. There wasn’t anything in this session that we as women don’t already know. I had come into this session thinking there would be more curiosity about our reality and what we can change, not bullet points on how to cope with our shitty experiences.
It just feels like we as women spend so much time trying to fix a problem that we didn’t make. It’s part of the reason that we can’t grow in our careers — we’re spending our time and our energy on this.
10 minutes after — leadership calls me. Tells me that he has daughters, and because of that, this stuff is important to him too. He also tells me that the New York office liked this training — so why couldn’t I just like it too?
The rest of the week — I’m exhausted. This is exhausting. I’m so tired. We all are.
1 month later — I escalate this to another male leader and he suggests that I grab a coffee and chat with another woman who works on “this kind of stuff” part-time. We have coffee — she’s tired too.
2 months later —you’ve scheduled a meeting to debrief — I’m glad this is an urgent matter for you too.
Departing from the company — the male director I report to asks me if I have tried meditation to “deal with my DEI passion”.
This is why work isn’t working for women.
And yet — it’s not just about women. It’s about privilege, gender, race, safety, and societal pressure. It’s about intersectionality. It’s about oppression. Nowhere did we talk about any of this.
This is why work isn’t working for most of us.
A few months later — I still haven’t published this. When the women of Iran are risking their lives to create change, it feels menial to post this. But as I’ve been reminded a few times, we’re all here for progress.
After passing this draft link around for feedback I was asked the question “So, what do you want out of this? Why publish it?”
So, Why Did I Publish This?
I will say it outright, I am not out to get my previous employer. Working there had me cross paths with some of the smartest, most creative people in my career. I am grateful for it. The reality is that almost everywhere I have worked has had training just like this.
I know folks are going to check out my LinkedIn to see where I’ve worked, but that’s not the point. The point is to look back on all your own DEI initiatives and realize how ridiculous they all are.
Realize that we’re humans, not data points in your business case.
Realize that women are not all equal, and intersectionality matters.
Realize that we’re all tired of fighting this battle for ourselves, and advocacy is incredibly empowering.
Realize that whatever you’re doing probably isn’t working.
Note: To the women who hosted this session, Madeleine Albright come’s to mind: “There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”
I shouldn’t be writing this, you shouldn’t have hosted the session. We’ve been put in these positions by a much larger system — so please don’t take this personally.
