How to Take Control of your Life
I’m sure we’ve all been there before; feeling like the world or “the universe” is completely against us. People are rude to us, we’re stuck in a toxic relationship and oh, you’ve probably just missed the train that will cause to be an hour late for work. Dear Universe, why you gotta be so cruel?!
I used to feel like this in my teenage years — a lot. I was bullied in grade school for being overweight, I had severe trust issues because of my parent’s divorce and I always felt like I wasn’t smart enough because I was just created that way.
I blamed my lack of body confidence on bullies, I attributed my trust issues to the absence of a role-model happy marriage and I blamed teachers and the school system for making the curriculum boring and mildly engaging.
However, as you grow up, you realize that the world isn’t going to stop for you and your self-pity. Charles Swindoll once said, “Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it”.
“Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it”. — Charles Swindoll
Something miraculous happened when I started taking control of my life and started taking 100% of the responsibility for my decisions, actions, and relationships with others. I finally freed myself from self-victimization. I realized that I had the power to create a life for myself that I loved.
“I realized that I had the power to create a life for myself that I loved.”
Before I dive into this, let’s back it up a bit and start by breaking it down to what it means to “self-victimize”. To “Self-victimize” means to attribute your life’s successes or failures to external factors outside of yourself i.e. luck, other individuals, environmental factors, accidental chance( Jill P. Weber Ph.D. (2013). Psychology Today).
Weber goes on to describe that “those with a high external locus of control, do not see how your own actions or lack of action may be at the root of how you generally feel about your life”.
Having a high external locus of control may make some more prone to depression, alcoholism, and obesity. Our locus of control is “ the extent to which people believe they have power over events in their lives” (Fournier, G. (2018).Psych Central. ).
If you can relate to the above, I’ve got some good news for you: your locus of control isn’t permanent, irreversible, or genetic…you have the ability to shape and develop it! I can speak to this first hand and I want to inspire others to do the same.
So how did I transform myself to someone with a high external locus of control to someone with a more internal locus of control? How did I learn to stop victimizing myself and take control of my life?! My 3 key pieces of advice are as follows: 1) start being more conscious of the decisions you make, 2) be more mindful of your reactions and 3) identify your tolerance levels.
Conscious Decision Making
Once you understand that your life is a series of choices and decisions that you make daily, it’s easier to understand how much power you truly have. You’re in the driver’s seat of your life, not your mom, not your friends, your spouse or your boss. You’ve got the keys and access to all the buttons.
When you realize that no one else is in the car with you, it’s easier to understand how much responsibility you hold for each decision and action that you take. If it helps you, I would suggest tracking everything down.
In the book The Compound Effect, Darren Hardy talks about how much of a difference in tracking our decisions truly makes in our lives — it helps us become more aware of the actions we choose to take.
I started to make sure that I was comfortable, conscious and responsible for all the decisions that I actively made in my life. Even the decision to make a decision together with someone (such as marrying someone or combining finances) is an active decision that you should take full responsibility for.
Be Mindful of How You React
Life isn’t always going to be easy; in fact, it’s more likely to be filled with more challenges versus smooth sailing. I stopped seeing negative aspects in my life as ways the universe was trying to torment me. I accepted that challenges were all a part of life and are ingrained into life’s fabric.
There’s no escape, and when you understand that challenges are inevitable, you start trying to make the best of the cards you’re dealt with. Mind you, there are some unfortunate circumstances that are entirely out of your control (hence, the 10% mentioned above).
However, even in those tough circumstances, you have the ability to try and develop a positive mindset and choose how you’ll react in those situations.
“When something bad happens you have three choices. You can let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.” — Unknown
Identify and Set Tolerance Levels
I quickly learned the things that I liked and didn’t like in life. For example, despite being 60% Extroverted, I learned that I still needed to allot time to myself to decompress. I used to spread myself so thin between social activities and work to the point of exhaustion. I would then blame my tiredness on all of these things.
However, I never took ownership of my own decisions of choosing to go out instead of taking time to rest when I truly needed it. I realized I had to set tolerance levels of myself to prevent myself from placing the blame on the external factors in my life. It’s just like drinking — you have control of how much you drink, and if you end up getting plastered you can’t blame it on the beer.
I’d like to encourage you to think about how you can be more mindful of setting tolerance levels in your life where you currently find yourself attributing success or failures to external factors.
Perhaps, you are emotionally drained by negative people in your life who constantly complain and vent to you. Or maybe you’re currently in a toxic relationship and can’t seem to get out.
Have you been dating around for months but keep coming across the same type of douchebags? Set some tolerance levels for yourself of how much you’re willing to accept, and don’t let the external world define that for you.
There you have it, 3 ways that I personally have changed my locus of control, started to take control of my life and stopped victimizing myself. I hope this helps at least one person in a positive way. Please comment below if you have any helpful tips and thank you for reading!
