Diary Entries of a Climate Change Denier… from 2073
6:23 AM
I rub the sleep from my eyes then open my Built Ford Tough™ Cooling Curtains. I’m temporarily blinded. Typical. When my vision returns, I see it’s yet another glorious, sunny day. Not a single cloud in the sky. I still fail to see how anyone could be upset by this.
6:27 AM
I head outside to make my coffee. It’s a moderate 116 degrees. A perfect January day. And perfect for a hot cup of joe. I place the pot on the sidewalk to brew. That’s when I hear the sickening chants of the notorious Earth Savior gang off in the distance. Idiots! I rush back inside my Amazon Cozy Home™ for safety.
9:39 AM
After recovering from mild heat exhaustion, I write a long and scathing email to California Governor Billie Eilish. I chuckle to myself after I call her “The Bad Guy” for her recent legislation to try to make seawater drinkable. What a snowflake.
11:42 AM
I decide to drive my vintage 2019 Ford Fiesta to see Kyle across town. Luckily, the Fiesta’s still kicking, the ol’ beaut. I see my tank is nearly empty. Damned if they think I’m EVER switching to electric. As my father used to say (and his father before him), “batteries is for pussies.”
12:01 PM
Kyle and I meet up for our weekly cup of Starbucks Water™. I chug it in one gulp. But it’s not like I was thirsty. Being thirsty is communist. It’s then I notice Kyle has a somewhat vacant stare and is mumbling something about “end times.” Whatever. I lick the bottom of my glass and then do the same to Kyle’s. But not because I’m thirsty.
1:15 PM
It’s lunch time and Kyle is pacing back and forth in the parking lot still mumbling weird shit. I consider going to Ralphs to get one of their $358.00 potatoes. But decide to go for something more filling. It’s also about that time of the month to check the traps anyway.
1:38 PM
First, you skin the rat. Then you do a wet brine using seawater. (See, Billie? There are better ways to use saltwater.) After about two hours, you roast the carcass on asphalt for like thirty seconds or so — depending on your street’s temp, of course. You should get a nice browning. Oh, and in true “use the whole buffalo” fashion, you can sip on the rat bladder while you wait.
1:52 PM
I now have diarrhea and low-grade fever, which is perfectly normal. It’s a natural change in the body and the fact that I ate undercooked rat flesh has nothing to do with it.
2:17 PM
The Fiesta’s on fumes now. I make my way to The Fortress. Cam and Diego open up and whisk me behind the steel-reinforced concrete walls. There I see Joseph Rogan sporting a full head of hair, sunbathing with Marjorie Taylor Greene. When scientists solved aging, I tried to get on that train, but the treatments were very expensive. I am happy for them. They both look fantastic. I also notice that I’m mildly aroused, which is rare for me these days.
2:23 PM
Cam and Diego lead me inside where Grongor, the Gas King, is waiting for me. He is large and imposing and smells of regular unleaded. After three hours of vigorous foot play with the king, I am rewarded three gallons of fuel. A fair deal.
5:30 PM
As the sun sets, I spot the Earth Savior gang still protesting. I roll down the windows and scream at them: penguins weren’t even the best bird before! The best bird was the eagle. And also, we don’t even need birds. I then begin to scream things that aren’t even words. I just scream. It’s normal.
6:19 PM
I get home and am very sleepy. So I go to the couch and turn on my Apple EyeTV™. I search for something good to watch then finally see a documentary about some guy named Chief Seattle. There are pictures of the Earth from like a hundred years ago or whatever and a narrator reading some speech he gave:
“Whatever befalls the earth befalls the sons of the earth. Man did not weave the web of life; he is merely a strand in it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself.”
I roll my eyes. What a jackass. Then my stomach growls. Glad I have some leftover rat meat.
7:32 PM
I close my Built Ford Tough™ Cooling Curtains and get into bed. I cry uncontrollably for about ten minutes tonight, which is a lot less than usual. Then I close my eyes. Today was a good day.
