“DiCaprio Fights Back Tears (and Climate Change) Aboard Superyacht After Latest Breakup. Sad!”

— Letter to Mom Published by TMZ, February, 2048

Dear Mommy,

I just don’t know what to do. Everything feels so… existential-crisis-y lately?

Like, it all started this morning. I was laying out on my super yacht, watching The Great European Fires burning in the distance (Do they ever stop? So annoying!), when my girlfriend announced that she was turning 26 years old today.

It was the strangest thing. Everything went into slow-motion. She was moving her lips, but I just couldn’t hear anything she was saying. Maybe it was the fifth bourbon on the rocks before 11am. Maybe it was the never-ending heat wave finally taking its toll.

But then it hit me. Twenty. Fucking. Six. Practically geriatric. No offense, mom, I know you’re like 93 now or whatever and good for you. (Glad we got you those anti-aging drugs). But seriously. WTF. It was like instantly I didn’t love her anymore. Know what I mean?

I already know what you’re thinking. ’Cause you always say the same thing: why do I need to chase the girlies when I have you, my dearest, most loyal mommy-moms still here? And why do I still waste time with all that climate change horseshit. Because look at where it got you. Floating across an acidic ocean of garbage on a giant dumb boat with a bunch of barely-legal-age-supermodels and the world ruined now anyway.

First off, in all my 73 years, I’ve never once cared about appearances. Sure, they’ve all always been under 26 years of age, but I swear it’s some weird coincidence. And second of all, climate change is something I’m passionate about! When California burned down, I even decided to live on my super yacht full time, fighting climate change all around the world instead of acting in the moving pictures biz. See, that’s a real commitment to something bigger than myself!

Sure they said that driving a super yacht around the planet non-stop was horrifically wasteful and I was burning fossil fuels at a grotesque rate. Fine, the vessel releases more greenhouse gases than 1,500 cars combined, but honestly, who’s counting when you’re day drunk with 19 year old models. And sure, some people said I was a hypocrite and a navel gazing Hollywood libtard who chose to preach what he didn’t practice. And YES, some other people said some other shit that I don’t remember because it was all science based and science is boring when you’re trying to get that perfect tan on your aging bod as nymphs serve you Spritz Veneziano off the Amalfi Coast…

But there’s just something weird about turning 26 years old! And when women do it, it’s just gross. To be fair, I don’t even know what they actually look like half the time! What with my cataracts and the ever-present forest fires constantly burning off the last remaining bits of my eyesight. But I do know this… that as soon as I discover that they’re 26 (or god forbid, older) the same thing happens. Boom! I fall out of love.

Maybe I’m just a romantic at heart. You always said I was. That’s why I was so good at kissing. Remember?

Dammit, I don’t know what to do. If I break up with her now, it’ll be so awkward on the boat. And there’s not really any land where I can drop her off, you know? At least any land that’s not burning with raging wildfires, roaming bands of murderous climate refugees, and drought ridden landscapes. But she does look kinda tough. And she did kick my ass that one afternoon over the shrimp scampi. (The deckhands still won’t look at me the same.) Anyway, I bet she could handle it.

Ok, I know. I’ll ask her to broker a deal for more gas at the port and then bolt. I wish this damn boat didn’t burn as much carbon as a car in a year just to go a couple miles. It’s like every week we have to fill it up. But still. The luxury is just unparalleled. Ok, I got it, I’ll ask her to row to shore in the dingy. That’s it! It’ll buy me time to flee without having to dump her face to face like the last one.

Wait… I literally just had a realization. It’s not the age I’m not attracted to, it’s the number! Yeah that’s totally it. I knew this must be some kind of deeper psychological numerology thingy. No wonder I get so upset when I see really high temperatures. God, I feel better already. You always said I was such a quirky little guy.

Thanks so much for helping me with this, mom. I know I write you letters like every single day and it can be a lot. But it’s really good to get some perspective. Mental health is a journey and practicing self care is SO important. Oh, and the fighting climate change thingy. Man, it’s still so fun and makes me just feel so alive and important and like I’m at the center of things! You know how I love all that attention : )

Shoot, Elsa’s knocking on the door. I should get out there and give her the good news. It’s not her. It’s me!

Love,

Leo

PS Don’t forget to keep taking your meds! I can’t wait to see you and give you a big boy kiss! But mouth closed this time, ok?

PPS I’m glad none of our letters have been intercepted by the wrong people. It’d be so embarrassing if someone like TMZ got ahold of this! Can you imagine?!