The 2052 Winter Olympics With Shaun White and Bob Costas.

BROADCAST TRANSCRIPT

SHAUN WHITE: Yoooo, what up dudes, it’s your boy Shaun White and I’m here at the 2052 Winter Olympics with the ledge, B Costas. ‘Sup Bob?

BOB COSTAS: Hey Shaun. Just happy to still be kicking. It’s a toasty 96 degrees out here in Aspen, Colorado this winter morn and not a lick of snow or ice to be seen.

SHAUN WHITE: Yup, it just wouldn’t be the same games we’ve all grown to love with pow pow on the slopes, ya know?

BOB COSTAS: Hot dirt is the new snow is what the kids tell me.

SHAUN WHITE: That and exposed rocks!

BOB COSTAS: Speaking of rocking, we’re beyond excited to bring you all the action from our proud sponsor: Neutrogena.

SHAUN WHITE: With their signature 50,000 SPF sunscreen now you can shred the nar without worrying about skin cancer after a good seshy.

BOB COSTAS: And it looks like we’re ready to kick off the first run on the half-pipe from Cam Kirchard.

SHAUN WHITE: Hailing from bright and sunny Portland, Oregon, the twenty-year-old’s been trying to snowboard on dirt practically his entire life. Sometimes even successfully.

BOB COSTAS: Alright. Here. We. Go. Cam’s grabbing solid speed on the descent. And look at that first air. Wow, huge. And oh boy, yup, that’s a wipeout.

SHAUN WHITE: Oof, that’s gotta hurt. Looks like the dust clung to his board. And is that… oh yeah he hit his head on a rock.

BOB COSTAS: That sure is a lot of blood. But don’t worry folks. The paramedics are already on it.

SHAUN WHITE: Like I said, this is exactly why we love the new Winter Olympics. The stakes are higher and so is the heat.

BOB COSTAS: Not to mention, there isn’t really a Summer Olympics anymore. Remember the last time we tried that?

SHAUN WHITE: Haha. Yeah, no one completed any races alive! Haha, so crazy!

BOB COSTAS: And the judges have their scores… we’ve got a 1, 1, 1, 2. Not bad, Cam.

SHAUN WHITE: Looks like they’re gonna have to clean all the body waste and plasma off the ramp before we get going again.

BOB COSTAS: So Shaun, now that you’re 65, looking back, is there anything you miss about the world having snow and ice and cold weather?

SHAUN WHITE: Dude! I never look back! I’m always looking forward to what’s next.

BOB COSTAS: And what do you see?

SHAUN WHITE: Societal collapse. Oh, and babes, haha.

BOB COSTAS: Ok! Stepping up to the starting line is Allen Johnson from Utah. Allen’s got style for days because he loves to shred in his birthday suit.

SHAUN WHITE: Apparently, heat is just too much for him to compete with clothes on. And wouldya look at that dong? I’d board nude too if I were him.

BOB COSTAS: Alright, here he goes. Wow, coming out strong with a smooth backside 360.

SHAUN WHITE: That is quite a backside too. He must wax.

BOB COSTAS: Ok, he made it past Cam’s bloody rock and brain matter.

SHAUN WHITE: Holy shit, he’s going for my signature: the McTwist 1080.

BOB COSTAS: He looks like he’s McTwisting his balls right now because that trick is not going well. At all.

SHAUN WHITE: Air traffic control, we have a problem.

BOB COSTAS: Boom! That was clearly NOT the landing Allen was looking for.

SHAUN WHITE: Might have to roll the memorial clips again, folks.

BOB COSTAS: Good call. He ain’t’ walking away from that one. Or ever again most likely.

SHAUN WHITE: Perfect time to reapply some Neutrogena anyway. I was getting redder than usual out here.

BOB COSTAS: It’s also a perfect time for a commercial break from our official sponsor. But first, when we return, ice hockey. Without the ice!

SHAUN WHITE: Hope they have lifeguards this year.