Top 10 Tips For Surviving The Climate Apocalypse… From Oscar The Grouch
Published in
3 min readMar 8, 2023
- Live in a trash can. Might seem obvious coming from me, but trash cans are a great source of comfort and safety. And no one will ever suspect a fully grown adult human taking shelter inside a disgusting 4 foot aluminum can, which will come in handy when the rioting, and pillaging, and desperate fight for survival kicks in.
- Don’t clean up after yourself. I’ve always believed cleaning up is for suckers. Clearly, so does most of humanity. But now you can let the trash pile up around you guilt-free! Revel in the mess and refuse. Go ahead, nibble on discarded scraps, turn old newspapers into underwear, get filthy… remember it’s called garbage can, not garbage can’t.
- Make friends with the rats. In a post-human world, rats will become earth’s new rulers. Them and the cockroaches. While rats may not be everyone’s cup of tea, they make warmer bed mates than the roaches. And a better snack when things get really desperate. The plague exposure is another story.
- Keep a grouchy attitude. When shit hits the fan, it’s important to remain a total asshole. Smiling at others during this stressful time will likely get your teeth knocked out of your skull and beaten close to an inch of your life. If you do see another person, shut your lid quickly and begin screaming incoherently. The echoes against your tiny aluminum can should scare them off since you’ll clearly seem insane and unpredictable.
- Don’t bathe. True grouches stay utterly foul, as you may know. This should also assist with tip 4. Let the fumes and stench of your squalid, tiny domicile seep into every pore of your bod. The grotesque BO wafting off you will help ward away any predatory humans seeking what little material goods or dignity you have left.
- Befriend other grouches. There will be other poor souls who read this, and take heed, producing an entire grouch network of true believers in trash can tech to try and survive the climate end times. Tap into the network with discarded cups and string, which should be readily available to you. Trade tips on how to eat garbage, cope with the unending heat, and share memories of what earth used to be like through the tears.
- Build a fortress out of your garbage. Look, as time passes it’s gonna get bad. Like real bad. Less resources means more hostilities from everyone still alive. Use your garbage to build stuff like barricades, booby traps and death pits surrounding your base of operations. Just remember, one man’s trash is another man’s disgusting psychotic trash kingdom.
- Embrace the darkness. It’s dark in trash cans and you’ll need to be comfortable with that. But look, clean air and nice light is overrated… besides it won’t even be available, what with the wildfire smoke, acid rain and brutal heat waves. Take some relief knowing that the only stuff “above lid” will just be radiation exposure and sun burns. Let Big Bird and those other furry morons enjoy all that crap.
- Learn to play the harmonica. It just seems appropriate for a person who lives in a trash can to play the harmonica. Very hand in glove. And when you’re stuck in your trash can all day, you’ll need a good hobby to pass the time. Plus, your rat friends will surely appreciate you blowing some sweet tunes at dinner time together.
- I dunno. After writing the first 9 tips it didn’t seem like there was much else to say. Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of earth being covered in trash. It’s like a Grouch’s filthy wet dream. So just try to speed up this whole global warming thing and turn the planet into one huge dumpster fire soon. It looks like you’re all doing a great job already. Anyway, stay trashy and have a rotten day. Now scram!
