How My Damaged Ego Modified My Perception Of Reality
Earlier last year I was dating with a girl for a couple of months. She wasn’t really my type even though she was cute and really smart. Our relationship started slowly, due to our busy lifestyle. We both had some trips planned in, our evenings were booked already because we didn’t expected to be in a relationship or to meet someone.
After one or two months I had many concerns. She was really cute, but not my type at all. She was very smart, someone who has a strong opinion and who stands for it. We had such a different background, such a different life. I work in IT, she was a journalist. There was almost nothing overlapping in our professional life. She was really into dancing, I can’t dance. She loved reading, I read only books about psychology, self-help or something regarding my job. I love nature and long walks, she said she is not a child of nature. She was into sustainability and I love the concept and admire people who dedicate their life for it, but I’m just not that person.
So we had very few things in common, which made the other person interesting for a while, but after some time it became a bit tiring. The other one doesn’t understand the things I like, the way I see things and experience life and I don’t understand her point of view. Everything needs to be explained.
Even though we did many cool things together, some trips, discovering new places, cinema, theater, concerts, getting drunk together, meeting the friends of the other. Never had any arguments, sex was amazing. I think ninety percent of people would rate this as a perfect relationship.
There are many things I admire in her, but what I admire the most is the fact she wanted more. Superficial conversations and an averagely good relationship wasn’t enough for her. It wasn’t enough for me as well. I was full of concerns, I felt this is not the person I want to spend years and years with. The greatest difference between us was that she had the courage to say it out loud.
This was the moment when she started an appalache of feelings and thoughts in my head and countless of sleepless nights.
I knew this relationship will end soon. I knew she is not a good match for me. I wanted more just like she did. The fact she said it first changed just everything. The rejection twisted my mind and I could not think clearly about the situation. At the moment she said no to me, my ego suffered heavy damage. My ego took the control over, it changed the past experiences, my perception of reality. Her action started a series of reactions in me, I suddenly tried to convince her, begging her to give me another chance.
Everything that happened after was beyond logic. I would never do things with the clear mind what I did. My ego controlling me. I suddenly felt she is the most and only perfect girl for me. I felt I cannot lose her, I want to live my life with her. I had nightmares, I had thoughts, feelings which were unreal. After a few days hope kicked fueled by my damaged ego.
I thought there is a possibility to win her back. So I started texting her, she agreed to meet again. We talked. I was trying to open up, to convince her, but it was useless. We agreed on this won’t work. My ego got a hit again. My thoughts were blurry, I kept texting her, I met with her friends to help me convince her to start again. We met again, we agreed this will never work again. I feel so so ashamed about what I have done. I should have never ever go this far. I should accept the rejection and move on. But this time my ego was hit so badly. It modified my perception of reality.
Few months passed. I was thinking a lot about this situation with a clear head. I found no logical explanation for my feelings. That person was just not a match for me. I knew it. I had every logical reason to accept the fact she said it before me. I should have move on. Why I did what I did? Why I had thoughts and feelings I can’t explain?
It was because of my ego. Ego is the enemy. I have many experience with rejection. When I was a little kid, my father left me. When I was in elementary school, I had no friends, everyone hated me. I suffered permanent damage. When someone rejects me and says she doesn’t want to be with me, she touches my pain point. It triggers unconscious feelings and experiences from the past. My ego takes over control. I cannot be rejected again. I cannot let this happen again. I will fight for it. I will fight harder. I need the external validation.
It’s interesting though. How our minds play games with us and modifies our perception of reality. I managed to formulate a goal for this year. I want to understand my ego more. I would like to know when it gets damaged. How this damage modifies my thoughts and feelings and actions. Like in many areas of life awareness is the first step. I want to be aware when my ego takes over control, I want to be aware when my thoughts, feelings and actions are controlled by my ego. Awareness is the first step, if I will be fully aware I can work on how to change.
