Freedom to Start Over.
Because starting over is human.
This blog post is about me.
It’s about who I am and who I’m tired of being. It’s about how tired I am of waking up and not feeling okay with the person I start the day with. It’s about the feeling of confusion or uncertainty about who I am. I feel like no one. I’m just this empty shell, waiting to be filled with the real me.
And now, I’m writing this because I’m at the end of my rope. I no longer feel as though this life has anything worthy of me holding onto. There’s nothing keeping me here. I feel empty. Lost. Afraid. Helpless and hopeless.
I have no motivation to go to work anymore. I have no motivation to write. My relationship ended. I don’t believe I deserve love. I fall in love very easily. I overeat. I smoke. I feel detached from my family. I have daddy issues. I constantly hate myself. I find it very hard to retain information. My glasses broke. I’m broke. I’m an impulsive spender. I can’t manage money. I’m addicted to sex. I’m an alcoholic. My room is always a mess. I forget things easily. I have a hearing problem. I bite my nails. My hair’s not nice. I have a weirdly shaped body. I can’t take compliments. I have cuts on my arm from self-harming. I have depression and anxiety. I’m very insecure. I’m jealous of everyone around me. I have a hard time being happy for other people when good things happen to them. I wish I had the body of most of my friends. I love people who hurt me. I have a lot of fears. I sweat a lot. I have an autoimmune disease, as well as a blood disorder. I don’t read the articles I bookmark. I have a hard time keeping up with habits. I’m very sensitive and emotional. I take things personally. I have no skill in anything. I have very little sense of prioritization. I sleep really weird. I hold things inside a lot.
I’m f*cked up.
And I don’t want to be anymore. I want to start over. I want to be different. Because I don’t think this is who I’m meant to be. I believe I have so much potential inside of me. I believe there’s so much more to me, to who I am. I’m at this weird place where I don’t feel like myself anymore. I don’t think this is me. I don’t think I’m me.
And so I’m starting over. I have unraveled myself here in this digital space, for strangers to see. I have ripped open the core of my being and taken out all that I no longer wish to be.
I am new. I have started over. Because I am free to do so.
