Over the course of my childhood, I’ve constantly felt compelled to put everyone else’s needs before my own. I was constantly anxious about what every other person in my life thought about me that I did everything I could to be everyone’s friend, exhausting and overwhelming myself in the process. And that has been my pattern my whole life, it was all I knew. Until I moved out and put my needs first — and it feels AMAZING.
Traits of People Pleasers
People pleasing tendencies can look like prioritizing other people’s needs before your own in order to gain approval and maintain close relationships. I’ve noticed that I have a pattern of always asking others for validation and reassurance. For me, this looked like always asking my family or friends if if they’re mad at me, even if they weren’t. This led to me over apologizing for small things, whether they were a big deal or not.
Some traits of people pleasers can include saying sorry when no apology is required, feeling valuable when complying with others, undermining your own needs, and being too agreeable in general. These traits can unfortunately lead to a pattern of self sacrifice or self neglect as well as other mental health conditions, like anxiety and depression.
As a child, I was raised with an underlying value of respecting your elders, which often meant obeying your parents. I was afraid of making my mother mad, or what she would say when I didn’t do what she thought I should. Even still in other relationships I’ll get anxious if there’s confrontation because I’ll worry that they’re mad at me even if they aren’t because I consistently seek their approval.
People pleasing serves a purpose — to protect you from real or perceived danger. This trauma response can also be called fawning. And it stems from — you guessed it — the fear of loss, especially if you don’t do as you’re told. This can lead to a low self esteem, because people pleasers look outside of themselves for validation, leaving behind a shaky sense of self worth based on others that you’re desperate to please so that you feel secure.
Attachment and Dependence
Those who are anxiously attached can have a predisposition to feeling negative emotions, stress, and social rejection in close relationships. Personally, this has been true for me throughout my childhood and high school years, which I think has conditioned me to people please even more. I was always stressed and angry when I wasn’t accepted by my peers, or when I fought with my mother.
People pleasing can also be affected by attachment style, which can include becoming codependent within a relationship. I tend to have more of an anxious attachment style and anxiety, so it doesn’t surprise me that they’re related to my own people pleasing tendencies. As a child, I slowly became more codependent with my mother, and I would always seek her validation even into my earlier teenage years because that behaviour was so conditioned within our relationship. I’ve always felt like I have to be the one to help her, mostly because I’m the oldest daughter and it’s been engrained in me. I also find value in helping and taking care of others — it’s what I was praised the most for.
It’s so suffocating being perceived as someone who will help others to the detriment of themselves. Throughout school, I was constantly asked for notes from people I barely knew, even though they never made an effort to show up or thank me. And yet I still gave them my notes.
Every.
Single.
Time.
Frankly, constantly worrying about the stability of virtually every close relationship in my life is so exhausting, whether there is reason to or not. So, I’ve since realized that I need to stop my pattern of hyper dependence and insecurity. It hasn’t been easy, and I still do struggle sometimes but the difference now is that I make my voice heard instead of immediately reacting as if I’m going to lose them.
Coping and Healing
Since people pleasers are typically codependent and afraid of rejection, one of the things they can do to change their mindset towards relationships is practice detaching and spending time alone. I did this by reminding myself that if someone truly did care about me, they’d put in effort too. Sometimes they did, and if they didn’t I’ve learned that it isn’t meant to be — even though it hurts a lot in the moment.
Practicing refusal — especially after setting boundaries that were broken is an important thing to learn. I’ve had my own boundaries been walked over time and time again because someone decided to push me, and I gave in even though it made me uncomfortable. Can you tell that I hate (and avoid) conflict? Because I couldn’t say no, I was constantly being asked too much of until I became so overwhelmed and frustrated to the point that I would break down. Eventually I learned that if I told someone ‘no’ enough — even though that alone is uncomfortable — I’ve finally showed people not to walk all over me.
