Influencing and Establishing Alignment — What does it take?
In Personal Space and at Workplace
It baffles me infinitely to think that while each human has more or less the same anatomy — same organ systems, sense organs and biology behind how our bodies function; our minds vary greatly. The way we perceive, think and react is so different and, quite often, so unpredictable. Example, I have known my parents for all my life, but sometimes, their decisions and thinking still catch me by surprise. I know my husband intimately, or so, I like to believe — and yet, sometimes, the way he responds to situations and emotions is something I completely don’t expect. At workplace, I may think I can secure total alignment with a stakeholder and a decision would go in the desirable way, and yet, a surprise I was not prepared for pounces on me!
It makes me think why? What is it in our minds that makes us behave in a certain way — a way that is unique and doesn’t necessarily follow a predictable trajectory. There is certainly no easy answer and the question is both scientific/ psychological and philosophical. Based on my experiences with myself and those around me, I am jotting down my reflections on what could potentially drive human responses in a certain direction. It is also a reflection on how we could influence the outcome of conversations favorably.
Before I get there, it would be prudent to say how is this helpful. While this piece of writing is surely a reflection on how I see this subject; my intent is also to encourage you to reflect. You may see some of these patterns and observations apply to your life encounters too and this piece may, just may, enlighten you enough to pre-empt a response. The use cases of this approach are many. In my case, they have helped me better understand and define equations with my 5-year-old kid, my husband, my parents and all other relations that I value. They have also enabled me to establish rapport with my stakeholders at workplace. I am an HR professional and, as you’d imagine, influencing and establishing alignments is large part of my job.
Here is my list of what helps me influence the flow of conversations and seek alignment from stakeholders:
1. Reflect — think about past instances of similar nature
I can’t downplay the need to do this enough before having an uncomfortable or high-stake conversations. I remember a time, I wanted to convince my mom to go visit a doctor for a long pending concern she was shoving off. I tried remembering her past reactions and reasoning she offered in similar context, and it helped me be better prepared with my side of arguments. I did not immediately succeed, but it was a positive start nonetheless. I can’t stress enough on the merit of doing this, especially, when stakes are high.
2. Understand motivators and demotivators
As an example, in a workplace conversation, say, I am aware that the leader I am engaging with is concerned about keeping his/ her self-brand strong, versus, another leader, who is driven by the need to be of service and support to his/ her teams. Equipped with this knowledge, I am in a position to appreciate motivators and de-motivators of these individuals. While this does not change the context of the conversation that’s needed, it does help me position my conversation better and package it suitably.
3. Understand the emotional state
We as humans carry emotional baggage with us. Our state of mind has a huge bearing on how we react and respond to situations. Such responses could be based on real or perceived past challenges, pre-conceived notions, biases or just emotional state stemming from our previous engagements. It is good to be aware of these in context of the individual we are about to engage with. In a recent interaction with my sister, she was sharing some advice regarding parenting based on her very real experiences. An exchange of this nature is typical between us. In this instance, she came forward with strong positive intentions and started sharing details. Yet, I ended up snapping at her and telling her that I’ll figure it out. In retrospect, I know, I was feeling like a wreck with work pressure that was something completely unrelated — I just ended up projecting anger which I did not even carry on this subject. I of course apologized to her later, but the lesson is it’s always good to be aware of the emotional state of the one you are engaging with. Gauging this with questions and dialogue before moving to the core topic is a good idea.
4. Wear your patience hat on and operate with empathy
This is very important. Go in a conversation with dollops of patience. Do not engage if you yourself are distraught, holding memories of past unpleasant interactions close to heart and under pressure. Such baggage will not help you keep a patient demeanor. Also be focused consciously on building and exhibiting empathy. Sometimes active listening is the best way to generate empathy. You may just end up paraphrasing what the other person has told you — but what you would do in the process is create a space where the person feels heard and somewhat understood. Once that is done, you will be in a better position to share your perspective.
5. Authenticity is the key — call a spade a spade, but with grace and reasoning
There is no point, beating about the bush and trying to shirk responsibility. In personal space, when I have wanted to convince my parents on some things which are harder, I have relied on saying that this is what my sister or husband also feel. At workplace, sometimes, I have found myself saying that this is a top-down decision and hence needs to be executed instead of truly saying that this is how I also feel. In these situations, I am not being authentic and taking ownership for what I believe is the right thing to do. And eventually, in my experience, the other party sees this lack of authenticity which leads to trust deficit. Simply because I fall short on selling it. I can sell it better, if I am open, honest and authentic — if I call a spade a spade but of course with ample grace and reasoning.
6. Give it time
Sometimes, we make the mistake of trying to get decisions rushed. It is a good idea to introduce a topic in first conversation, especially a complex one. No one likes to be cornered. Give people time to formulate their own thought process and perspective before they are pushed to align or not align. Such an approach has helped me create space for partnerships to flourish and for alignments to happen.
7. What can your offer that creates a win-win
Creating a win-win is a great way of working together. It is somewhat like negotiating. You offer some and you get some. I was able to convince my mom to go see a doctor when I turned my ask to a mutual pact. I told her if she goes to see a doctor, I will go see my dentist too which she knows I have been putting off for long now. It is good to identify these opportunities for mutual wins before heading into a conversation.
8. Play out the interaction in your head — Hypothesize
Sometimes, just pre-empting how the conversation may go has been of huge help to me. This is really using all the means listed above — reflecting, understanding motivators and demotivators, taking into account the emotional state, reminding yourself to be patient and authentic, agreeing mentally to give it the time it needs and then, factoring all these aspects, hypothesizing on how a win-win situation could emerge.
I have found playing out conversations in my head before they happen to be a very useful tool to pre-empt the questions that would arise and help me avoid getting into lanes that are unknown to me. They help me prepare and stitch the big piece together.
These are my reflections on how to influence and align better. While I can’t read someone’s mind, I can attempt to establish this degree of predictability. I would love to hear about your reflections on this subject — what helps you, did any of my ideas resonate with you? Feel free to share your thoughts in comments.
