Learning To Shut Up
No, you shut up.
Let’s start with “Shut up” itself, which originally meant “We’re going to stick you somewhere really awful if you don’t hold your tongue.” Since this goes back to the late 1400s, there really were some awful places to “stick someone.”
The Tower of London, for instance. It was full of people who couldn’t hold their tongues. People like Sir Thomas More and Mary Queen of Scots were eventually beheaded. A bit extreme, perhaps, but you get the point (or the axe, as it was known back then).
Making people “shut up” actually goes much further back to prehistoric times when people lived in caves. If it was decided you were a chatterbox, they’d boot you outside where you were left to the elements or wild animals. Survival rates were low and big animals ate really well.
Since the diet at the time consisted largely of sea food like oysters — in Mediterranean areas, anyway — ostracizing someone was as easy as taking out the garbage.
In later years, when people had their own dwellings, a system was developed where oyster shells were left on a chatterbox’s front steps. This became known as ostracism. Since the diet at the time consisted largely of sea food like oysters—in Mediterranean areas, anyway—ostracizing someone was as easy as taking out the garbage.
It was an effective system for the longest time, until communities grew, and soon millions of people lived closely together. This allowed any number of chatterboxs to go about talking away, with little recourse since they could blend into the crowd before anyone did them serious harm.
You could say that’s what we have today with social media. We’d love to ostracize these people—or stab them repeatedly—but we’re talking billions of individuals out there, and while most of us know a chatterbox when we see one, you can still count a few million or so who aren’t sure—or have no filters themselves, and couldn’t shut up if they tried.
It’s simply an inside voice that says “Someone’s going to stick you with a dessert spoon if you keep this up.”
So how do we become conversant without talking to the point where people want to stab us repeatedly? Much of it has to do with our “turn off” feature. We all have one. It’s simply an inside voice that says “Someone’s going to stick you with a dessert spoon if you keep this up.”
Since we’ve obviously been ignoring this feature, it may be necessary to reacquaint ourselves with the fundamentals, the first being how to “shut up.” As easy as this may seem, it’s obviously not. You’ve been blathering for quite some time. You might even believe it’s impossible to stop.
I assure you, it’s not. In fact, I’ve assembled a number of techniques here that can reduce your chatter significantly, possibly to the point where you’re actually likeable.
Anyway, here goes:
- Shuduuuuup! This is what you tell yourself (using your inner voice) when you sense you’re rambling. Since this advice is going out to millions of people, some of them will know exactly what you’re doing. They’ll either applaud or say, “Hey, you’re one of those chatterboxs. Let’s stick a dessert spoon in your eye.” All silverware is dangerous.
- Shiny things Nothing stops the urge to blab like something shiny. It seems we’re naturally hypnotized by glistening objects. Any time you sense a long monologue coming on, search out something shiny like someone’s necklace or earring. Staring too long may get you slapped, but it’s better than getting a dessert spoon in the eye.
- Shin kicking Partners or family members can be very useful in situations where you’re too gabby. Rather than politely whisper in your ear (which obviously hasn’t worked in the past), they simply kick you in the shins. Not everybody appreciates this form of help, but it works.
- Gag reflex This is another form of hypnotizing which should be done by a trained professional. It involves going under and being told you’ll become violently nauseous if you keep talking. The gag reflex is very effective in most circumstances. Actually, I’m thinking of throwing up right now. My psychiatrist says I’m improving.
- Hero Worship Any time you think you’re blathering, imagine you’re talking to someone you admire. Would you seriously talk the ear off of, say, Mahatma Gandhi or Mother Teressa? I know they’re dead, but would you? The answer should be a definitive no. Well, just imagine that’s who you’re talking to each time you open your mouth.
Any of these techniques can be used in a pinch. All it takes is a bit of willpower and definitely getting off social media. Nobody will mind you disappearing for a while. They might even post their appreciation with messages like “Thanks for shutting up” or “Sorry you’re throwing up all the time.” That should make you feel good. Or at least better than when you couldn’t keep your mouth shut. Believe me, you were a pain in the ass.
What? So was I? Sticks and stones, pal…no, you shut up. Shuduuuuup!
