Letting Go of Perfectionism
What is Perfectionism
According to Brené Brown, researcher, and author of the Gifts of Imperfection:
Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.
Perfectionism is an addiction because you don’t stop to question its faulty logic. It’s unattainable yet you strive for it. It makes you think you are in control; only it’s the one driving you.
Perfectionism is not the same as self-improvement or wanting to be your best. Perfectionism is about managing your reputation, and what Brown calls “other-focused” rather than “self-focused.” You are motivated by the desire to please others rather than self.
Perfectionism and Stress
A study by Swiss and German researchers including Petra Wirtz, Ph.D., of the clinical psychology and psychotherapy department at the Switzerland’s University of Zurich shows that perfectionism can be extremely exhausting.
The study demonstrates that in trying situations, perfectionists tend to get more stressed than people with more attainable standards.
Perfectionism forces us to take on too much, to be impatient, angry, hostile, and competitive. We feel that we must have things done a certain way. It drives us to work all the time, making it difficult to relax and have fun and relationships. A hard-driving perfectionist demands more of others and himself/herself.
Perfectionists are too much focused on being perfect that in the process they forget to realize the stress they cause to others. A true perfectionist’s compulsion to do more and be better can drive other people crazy. Never satisfied with their own efforts, perfectionists are seldom satisfied with others.
Perfectionists usually like to do everything by themselves. Even when they assign tasks to others, they tend to explain everything in detail to them. They have a hard time being empathetic with others or forgiving themselves for doing something in a not so perfect manner. However, one side effect of this is that perfectionists can’t get close to anybody, although this is often hard to admit as this would require one to be “less than perfect”.
Are you a perfectionist? And does this stress you to the point of sickness?
Just let go.
We use the word perfect a lot in our day to day life, especially in the English language, even when things are good or just affirmative. (Meet me at Starbucks next Sunday. Perfect- I’ll see you there!.) Interestingly, Koreans, French people, and many other societies do not use the word perfect that often, unless they mean something is really perfect like 10 on 10.
All this casual use of the word perfect shapes our thoughts and we tend to judge ourselves and others as being perfect or not.
How to get around this problem
The key isn’t to stop aiming for higher standards, but to stop measuring progress in terms of perfection.
Here are some tips to let go of perfectionism:
1. Refrain from referring to yourself or others as perfect or not perfect. Don’t say to yourself, “well I’m not perfect” etc. whenever you fail to go to the gym, fail in a test, press snooze on your alarm, etc. Whenever you do fail to complete your tasks you’re just being human. A pretty great one in fact. You don’t have to apologize to yourself for being human. We are designed to make mistakes. It’s only natural.
The same applies for other people: instead of judging people as either perfect (“she has the perfect body / perfect job / perfect apartment”) or not perfect, use other ways to describe and understand them. This will help you be more compassionate toward yourself and others.
2. See mistakes as a normal part of the learning and growing process. Good news!!! You’re human. And humans make mistakes. Instead of viewing mistakes as a reflection of your self-worth, and immediately jumping to embarrassment, shame, and self-criticism, try reframing the internal conversation.
When you make a mistake, a misstep, or slide into old habits, remind yourself that you are human and mistakes are a normal part of the learning and growing process.
3. Know that your worth isn’t based on your perfection. While we see ourselves in terms of perfection, we hardly look at people we love as perfect/imperfect. We never look at our children or our pets and think, “well, you’re not perfect, but I love you anyway.” We simply love them without bothering to label them “perfect” or “imperfect.”
It’s not because we are blind to the flaws of the ones we love, but because their worth doesn’t hinge on the concept of perfection.
Apply that same perspective toward yourself: your innate worth is completely separate from how perfect you are.
4. Strive for excellence, rather than perfection. Perfection happens for a certain amount of time. It is not everlasting. But excellence is.
Even the LeBron James, Ronaldos, and Jacksons of this world who nail a 10/10 in most competitions can’t do it for the rest of their lives. For others, perfection happens even more fleetingly, fewer, and farther between.
It’s not a constant state that can be maintained. But excellence can be maintained throughout your life. It’s your earnestness and courage in living your life that determines your excellence, and that’s the measuring stick that you should apply instead of perfection.
5. Just get started. Procrastination is a sure sign that you’re stuck in a perfectionist mindset.
Putting off the workout because you can’t fit in a full hour. Skipping meal prep because you don’t have time to prepare a full week’s worth of food. Not meditating because it’s difficult to sit for 20 minutes.
The next time you find yourself procrastinating or putting something off that you know is important for your health and self-care, ask yourself: am I avoiding this because I have an expectation of perfect?
If the answer is yes, there’s a simple answer. Do something. Anything.
Just get started.
6. Don’t confuse consistency with perfection. We all know that consistency is key when it comes to long-term success. But we get into trouble when we confuse consistency with perfection.
Consistency does not mean being perfect or hitting the mark every single day.
It means showing up and doing the work most of the time.
Do it more than you don’t.
It’s that simple.
7. Ask yourself if perfection is that important in your life.
Your family life: Do you care about one another? Make each other laugh, give support whenever needed? Then you checked off the main points.
Your relationship: Relationships can’t be perfect if they are to last longer than 6 months. But they can still be excellent, which more than justifies.
Your looks/body: Do you even want a “perfect” body or face? Honestly, I don’t think that putting in the effort for a six-pack abs is worth it for me (I would rather play Mario). I know my family and friends will love no matter how I look. I don’t want anything perfect in my life. It adds a little spice to it.
Your job/ your enthusiasm for it: No job in this world isn’t going to feel like work sometime or the other. And I’m sure every man in this world feels like not working some of the time and procrastinate (Even Leonardo DaVinci was a victim of procrastination, so who are we).
Your social life: You might be serious about being a great friend/ person in general, but no one is immune from social ups and downs including loneliness, social burnout, FOMO, friendship drama, etc. This doesn’t make you not excellent, either.
Your character: There may be some times when you have displayed tremendous courage, loving-kindness, absolutely non-selfish service and that’s great. Continue doing so. On the other hand, there will be times when you will stumble. That doesn’t make you a terrible human being. Everyone has their ups and downs. It doesn’t make you unworthy.
Now. if you’re counting, that’s every part of your life you don’t have to be perfect for.
Smile for who you are. Love yourself as you’ve never done before.
Life is happening in the present. Right now. (Oops, were you distracted just then? Sorry, you missed it.) Plans are for the future.
Thus, to enjoy my life today, you must be present for my beautiful journey, even as you are working toward a longer-term goal.
Stay in touch with your beautiful now while you raise your gaze, from time to time, to your glorious future.
