On The Road To Being Less Nice
Ladies, niceness is not all it’s cracked up to be.
I have spent my entire life being nice. Accommodating. Reassuring.
Whether with a boss, a colleague, a tired-looking sales assistant, I’m the first to empathize, comfort and agree (even — especially — when I don’t).
Anything to appease. Anything to leave a situation feeling I’ve been liked and approved. And, most importantly, that I haven’t caused a stir.
There’s been plenty written about “niceness” as the driver of women’s “emotional labor” in the workplace and family life. And plenty on the overuse of that expression to describe what are essentially not-so-pleasant but necessary life tasks, i.e. “Emotional labor? It’s not a thing. Get over it, women.”
I’m not quite ready to wade into those murky waters of defining what constitutes gender-defined, emotional labor (honestly, it would take a thesis).
But what I can say is this — striving to be “nice” has, quite simply, not served me well. I’m ready to give it up, and here’s why:
- Being nice doesn’t equal being respected.
That co-worker you let miss a deadline (again) because they’re so overworked? The boss you let work you to death on a project because you didn’t dare mention your other priorities? They’ll certainly like that you did what was best for them. But you’re nowhere nearer being respected for (a) proving you know what you need and (b) asking for what you want.
2. Being nice often means holding back.
Countless are the times I’ve overlooked being interrupted, belittled and mansplained to— all in the interest of being liked. That knot in my stomach and bitter taste in my mouth hours later? The feeling of having shrunk back rather than stood my ground. My authentic self knows better and it suffers when I ignore it.
3. Being nice won’t help you grow.
My toughest, drag-us-through-the-dirt conversations with friends, colleagues and partners haven’t stemmed from being nice. They’ve come from asking the hard questions, digging for truthful answers (even when it hurts), and accepting that resolution may not be immediate. Being nice? It’s the detour from the discussion that really matters.
So here’s my challenge, ladies. Be less nice, cause a stir — and see where it takes you. I’ll be walking right beside you.
