Saying No Beats Saying Yes: The Anti-Burnout Secret Weapon
Ever felt like a ‘yes’ machine? You know that just-one-button phone you probably didn’t order that calls everybody on speed dial and yells “YES!”? Yeah, so it happens to me all the time. I swear, you look up from your laptop for just one moment to breathe, mid-task, and that ping comes in. And the next thing you know, “Yes, I will take on another project (for a deadline that already put me behind on two others…)”. “Yes, I’m your 10th choice for kitchen duty but will do it (because you really need someone to ‘volunteer’).”
“(There must be 2,000 people in your class and) you want me to make cookies for them? Okay, monkey tiramisu cake it is!” “Yes, I’d love to come by for brunch on that one day where I have no plans; (so far, I haven’t had one of those in three years!)” Sound familiar? Those overflowing to-do lists, sprouting like wild morning glory after a particularly rainy season; those friends, family, bosses, social-network commenters, in-laws, outlaws, and random birthdays. Be nice! Say yes!
Helping is great, until… Well, that’s burnout, isn’t it? That feeling of general worn-ness, cynicism, reduced effectiveness, and total robotisation. You’re overexerting yourself. Your entire existence is dedicated to everything but your own existence. You’re fearful and jittery — constantly alert to the looming feeling that something is due, that you have fallen short.
There is always more that you could be doing, be it for work or family or friends. But enough is enough! The secret weapon that will repel all your demons? Yes, it’s “No”. Saying No. Really.
Like, “You want me for what? When? No. (Exclamation point?)” I kid you not. Of course, everyone means well. Fulfill our place in life, meet our career and family commitments, tick off every ‘to do’ without flinching. Be kind, be generous, be nice. And all these are golden. But limitless ‘yes’ masks the finiteness of energy, creativity, and joy we have. Until…
It becomes the dedication of every moment of your time and energy. You could be everybody’s bathroom tissue, or you could pause, throw in your curious yellow banana road-cone and think: do I want to? Do I have to? Or do I want to because I have to? And so can you: the biggest dialogues really take place between I and Me.
New to “No”? Put space between the ask and the No by mind wandering.
The Consideration Cup. Go on, imagine a fine teacup. Somebody asks you for something. Let’s say it’s work, everybody’s challenge. While that person is still speaking, drop their request in your Consideration Cup. “Thanks for thinking about me, boss. I’m swamped this week, but let me think it over.” Or, “My dear coworker (who couldn’t make it to the company New Year’s Eve party)! Sure, tell me more (about your work project that requires large amounts of my limited time, social energy, and emotional investment…) Thanks for thinking about me; let me get back to you (after I finish my Red Bull and down that cup with coffee).”
That kind of a pause keeps your sanity — you put the problem into place and your mind has time to process it. Ultimately, it’s really easy to come up with a ‘considered yes’ — or a ‘no’.
The Kind ‘No’ Technique. Kindness. That’s all it takes. Say no kindly. “I’d love to help, but I’m already swamped this week.” “Thanks for thinking of me, but I already have a commitment that day.” Or just: “No, I’m busy that evening.” Note: you don’t owe yourself, or others, a detailed explanation. Sometimes just ‘No, thank you’ is enough.
The Just Because Rule. Just because. If you’re new to saying No and looking for that reason for youself, “Just because I need some time to myself”. It’s okay! Because I just had a really bad day. Because I am cranky and can lie about my alternative social engagement.
Or because it’s the doggone weekend. Or because I have no reason at all, not for you, not for anyone.
The Boundaries Buddy. The Boundaries Buddy is a human comfort zone. You’re going to confide in him or her about your intention to say no more than before. Your pet/therapy teddy bear. The person who will protect your right to say no, remember why you did it, and shame those who don’t respect your boundaries. It’s your barrier against the always available mindset.
Setting boundaries is not about selfishness: it means you’re being good to yourself. Saying no to energy drainers enables you to find space to say yes to people and things you love, to your sacred ‘me’ time, and to the activities you love to do. You become calmer, happier, healthier, more focused, and less likely to burn out. And from what I hear, this is the way to live.
Sometimes you just need a moment to just space out and think.
Try this.
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