The Beaver Offensive in Belarus
Is it possible even nature is turning against Putin?
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.” Mike Todd
Belarus’s entry into the Ukrainian conflict may be stalling, and it’s thanks to an unlikely Ukrainian ally: beaver.
Typically non-political, and possibly Belarusian by birth, these toothy consorts represent a veritable force Russians shouldn’t be ignoring.
Some might say it’s the enemy Putin never expected. In fact, nobody expected beaver to enter into this war— including the Ukrainians.
The beaver just sort of showed up, did their bit, and now the Belarusians don’t know whether to grab weapons or chainsaws.
These dams have resulted in huge swaths of fields near the border becoming mud deserts and swamps.
Chainsaws are a better bet, since what Belarusians — and Russians — are dealing with right now is the beaver’s speciality, meaning dams.
These dams have resulted in huge swaths of fields near the border becoming mud deserts and swamps.
According to Serhiy Chominskyi, spokesman for a unit of the Ukrainian armed forces, “When they [beaver] build their dams, normally people destroy them, but they didn’t this year because of the war, and now water is everywhere.”
Beaver dams have caused no end of problems for mobility throughout this region. Some wonder if Belarusian troops will even make it into Ukraine.
It certainly gives the Ukrainians some breathing room, possibly enough to avoid sending troops north when Russia is clearly concentrating their own in the Donbas region.
If high- ranking generals recommended this sort of thing, military budgets would be fractional, and some of the oligarchs would go broke.
Well, leave it to the beaver to upstage traditional military tactics. Who would’ve thought felling trees and backing up water courses could be so effective.
If high- ranking Russian generals recommended this sort of thing, military budgets would be fractional, and some of the oligarchs would go broke.
Even the Ukrainians have to wonder if all the armaments they’re getting from NATO countries may be “fighting fire with fire,” while the beaver — with no casualties so far — are simply re-directing nature, and grabbing a bite while they’re at it.
In addition to a mild winter, these dams are creating a new form of warfare: Flood the fields, let the enemy sink up to their knees, and the war effectively comes to a standstill.
Imagine Russian soldiers calling home, telling their mothers this is the stupidest war anyone could imagine.
Well, perhaps not the stupidest.
History has provided us with many battles where mud was the saving grace for one side, disastrous for the other.
Take The Battle of Agincourt where Henry V choose to fight on a freshly ploughed field. Rain had fallen the night before, making the area a soggy mess. Whoever crossed the field first (in this case French) was going to sink up to their knees (which they did).
This proved to be an excellent strategy, since it allowed Henry’s archers to cut down thousands of men, nobles and knights. The English practically wiped out the Armagnacs, arguably the most powerful party in France at the time.
With Belarusians stuck in the mud, the Ukrainian Volyn Territorial Defence brigade stand a fighting chance of defending themselves.
Beaver may not be big on history, but you have to hand it to them. With Belarusians stuck in the mud, the Ukrainian Volyn Territorial Defence brigade stand a fighting chance along the northern border.
It also may be the first time beaver have outsmarted humans, let alone a military. Imagine Putin pondering the implications. Was this some new military tactic? Were the Ukrainians using beaver dams to buy time until tanks and armaments arrive from supporting countries?
If so, these beaver need to be stopped. Maybe they could be propagandized, convinced that communism has always treated beaver better than capitalistic society. Hadn’t Britain and France decimated beaver populations in North America during the seventeen and eighteen hundreds?
What about that?
Trouble is, how do you communicate this to beaver?
Perhaps Putin could show up at the Belarusian north western border, telling beaver they’re already communists (which beaver are), so why not go all the way to Russification?
Or maybe it’s time to just dynamite the crap out of them. Knowing Putin, he’ll choose the latter. After bombing entire Ukrainian cities like Bakhmut and Kherson, what’s a few beaver dams?
Doesn’t the family of dead sons get a few hundred rubles and a fur coat? Maybe they’d be happier with beaver.
Of course, it might lead to Animal Rights groups breathing down Putin’s neck. Who needs that? Human Rights groups are bad enough. Every time a new casualty count comes out, there they are, waving placards and signs.
Didn’t they understand that Russians are use to sacrifice? Don’t the family of dead sons get a few hundred rubles and a fur coat? Maybe they’d be happier with beaver. If that’s the case, those beaver need to be humanely eliminated (no bullet holes, in other words).
Timing is the real problem here. If it takes a couple of months, Ukraine could have the promised tanks, anti-aircraft guns, air defence launchers and high-speed anti-radiation missiles (HARMs).
Then there’s the issue of these beaver getting good press. Who doesn’t love a good underdog? What if other countries bordering Russia enlist them, turning huge swaths of the Baltic into waterlogged fields?
Putin certainly won’t like that. He might even end up threatening western nations, saying, “Get rid of the beaver or I hit the red button!”
After a long history of being treated like nobodies, it feels good being heroes for a change.
Nobody wants a nuclear holocaust — especially the beaver. After a long history of being treated like nobodies, it would be a shame losing all their new prestige in a bomb exchange.
Hopefully, the war doesn’t come to that. If it doesn’t, Zelinskyy should give the beaver a medal or something. Surely recognition is in order. It also wouldn’t hurt the Volyn Territorial Defence brigade to yell “Go Beavers!” once in a while.
Building dams is hard work, and you can bet there are some pretty upset Belarusians — and Russians. After losing a few hundred vehicles in the mud, they might just decide to have a beaver pogrom.
The real meaning of pogrom means “to wreak havoc, to demolish violently.” Well, it’s not like beaver haven’t experienced that in the past.
And you have to admit, the beaver have achieved a strange nemesis with this dam building, especially in the 21st century when technology is so close to devastating entire populations. Perhaps simple is better. Perhaps military tacticians from all sides could learn a thing or two from the beaver.
I know it’s hard admitting a rodent is right.
But it is a smart rodent. Possibly smarter than our politicians.
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Robert Cormack is a satirist, blogger and author of “You Can Lead A Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive).” You can join him — and others — every day by subscribing to robertcormack@medium.com/subscription.
