OMG, You’re Sleeping With My Husband!
My angry advice column (aargh!)
“SNOOOOORRREEE lip smack lip smack lip smack” Houseofreturn
Before I start insulting people, let me begin by saying, “I’m sorry.” Whether your partner does “finger guns” or “helicopter twirls” with his penis, it’s really none of my business — except it is. I’m here to offer advice and you people definitely need some. You brought this on yourselves.
Stop with the lip smacking
To the woman whose husband carries on very strange conversations while asleep, occasionally saying, “Baby, babyyyyy, schooch…schoooch, snooooorrreee…lip smack, lip smack.” I think you’re well within your rights to throw cold water in his face. A shared bed is a shared bed.
Teach him some manners.
And to the woman who responded “OMG, you’re sleeping with my husband!” — that’s hilarious. Even if you are, it’s still hilarious.
The “Pew Pew” Man
As for the guy who drops like a stone whenever someone points a finger gun at him. If it gets giggles from the kids, why not? The fact that you’re wearing a frilly blue apron — what your wife calls “goofing off” — well, that’s a bit weird. Eventually your kids are going to drop finger guns in favour of semi-automatics. Personally, I think a lot of gun violence is the result of kids seeing their fathers in bras and panties.
Dogs and your digestive system
Now, to the guy who “burps in the dog’s face.” A dog’s sense of smell is 1,000 to 10,000 times that of a human. It not only smells your burp, it smells your entire digestive system. So, while you’re telling your wife, “I burped in the dog’s face,” your dog is saying, “I think he ate my asshole.”
Dogs can kill
Dogs aren’t as easygoing as you think. My wife and I used to take care of our neighbour’s young dog. When I wanted Arlo to go back in his cage, I’d pretend I was eating his food. He’d jump in his cage just to get me to stop. Eventually, he realized I wasn’t actually eating his food and would just sit staring. So I put some Kibble in my mouth. He damn near killed me.
Sex isn’t a team sport
Which brings me to the woman complaining that her boyfriend insists on “high fiving” her after sex. One respondent wrote: “We high five during sex.” For God’s sake, this isn’t a team sport (please don’t tell me it is). Surely, you can think up something more intimate than “One up, bro,” or “Good hustle,” adding a slap on the ass. If I slapped my wife on the ass after sex and said “Good hustle,” she’d shoot me on the spot.
“I’m too fat to really take off”
This also applies to people high-fiving and ass-slapping each other in the shower. One woman wrote “Mine soaps me up, wraps his arms around me, and squeezes me like a toothpaste tube, launching me like a rocket.” I loved the respondent who asked “How do you land without injury?” The answer is, you don’t. People who “soap up” and get “launched like a rocket” usually end up in Emergency. Not this woman, of course. She wrote back “I’m actually too fat to really take off.”
“Credit carding” vs. “Pegging”
There’s the woman who openly confesses she “credit cards” her husband (which I had to read up on, so here goes). Basically, when her man’s carrying groceries or bending over to fix something, she slides her hand down his crack (ass, I assume), as payment for his services. Someone responded, saying, “I like to do that, too, but I think it’s called ‘pegging.’” It’s not, ma’am. “Credit carding” isn’t planting one’s face in someone’s crack.
Let’s get our terminology straight.
“Helicopter twirls”
In every town or city (at least, that what it seems on Reddit), there’s a guy who likes to do “helicopter twirls” with his junk. One woman claimed she could hear her spouse’s tallywhacker slapping against his leg in the other room. Well, ma’am, if you can hear that in another room, there are elephants at the zoo (female) who would love to meet your husband.
Age appropriateness and pantsing
I’m not going to criticize spouses for slinging their junk, or “soaping you up and launching you like a rocket.” If that’s your thing — and nobody’s getting hurt — then, by all means, enjoy yourselves.
My concern is with the couples who may not realize what I’ll call “age appropriate.” Pantsing your partner, for instance, when their hands are full, is a hoot. That is until you reach the age when you’re too stiff to pull your pants back up. You could be like that for days.
Then imagine if you start to forget things (my wife and I are in our sixties, so we forget lots of stuff — my wife’s name, for instance). You could get “pantsed” and completely forget about it. Eventually, the family will stop bringing the grandchildren over because you’re always half naked.
Why does Santa have an elephant in his pants?
Same goes if you’re into “helicopter twirls.” One day, you’ll start spinning that thing, forgetting it’s Christmas, and you’re wearing a Santa Claus costume (or were before the “helicopter twirls” started). That could have a nasty effect on the grandkids. When one of them asks “Why’s Santa got an elephant in his pants?” you’ve got some explaining to do.
Or you don’t because your wife — their grandma — keeps asking if it’s time to go “soap each other up in the shower.”
Your pants have been down since June
It’s a slippery slope, in other words, and what may seem like good fun now, could become downright embarrassing later in life.
That’s if you reach those Golden Years without breaking your neck, or being put in a home because you’ve had your pants down since June.
Something to think about, anyway.
Meanwhile, where are my keys? I put them right there. And stop burping in the dog’s mouth. He’s old and doesn’t find it funny anymore.
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Robert Cormack is a satirist, blogger and author of “You Can Lead A Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive).” You can join him — and others — every day by subscribing to robertcormack@medium.com/subscription.
