What I realize when someone has broken my heart for the first time
It’s about yourself, not the one who broke your heart.
I am in my late 20s. I’ve just had a non-relationship breakup. No, it’s not FWB.
Long story short: I was seeing someone. Then, he decided to walk away. Without any explanation. Basically, I was abruptly shut out of his life.
(to give you a sense of how our relationship was; we went on dates, had a holiday trip together, we used to stay at each other’s place. we got close really fast but I actually spent time with him for a month, after that it became an LDR. regardless, my level of attachment to this person is substantial.)
I’ve moved on pretty well I’m even surprised myself.
It might sound lame but I’ve never been in a relationship, this is actually the first time I thought of considering having a serious relationship with someone. I had fear, expectations, doubts and vice versa, it’s common for someone who was never into this dating stuff but instantly jumped into something potentially long-term. We already talked about how ‘serious’ is serious even before we agreed to whatever it was.
Then, things weren’t going the way I wanted, hoped.
I usually appear to be a strong, independent woman. So when my dear friends, who knew it’s the first time I emotionally invested into someone, knew about my hard time, they freaked out even more than I did. And that is when I grew my gratitude for them than ever.
There are people who unconditionally love me and care for me.
Knowing this fact, I couldn’t be any happier. It’s not like I formerly took them for granted, no, I always love them, hold them as my treasures and can be their pillar when needed. But, I never was in a heartbreak state before, my friends, who always stand by me, now even offer more than I’d have asked for. Be it quality time, deep conversations etc., they don’t let me mull over useless thoughts in isolation, they constantly remind me that they truly support me and have my back. I’m forever grateful for that.
Understanding my true self helps a lot.
I’ve never had an issue with my self-compassion. I think I grow my self-awareness enough to operate my life without getting lost. Recently, I’ve been into the MBTI analysis, found out that I’m an INFJ. I’ve got to look into myself the way I haven’t before.
Things I’ve learned about myself more deeply; when I care, I care tremendously. I don’t like wasting time on something temporary. I’m happy if I can be a helping hand for people I love. My empathy is only for the ones who value it.
There are also many downsides I’ve been aware of for a long time but they weren’t that obvious until I faced this relationship pitfall. I read between the lines sometimes too much. I often live in my head with my vivid imagination for ‘what could be’s, which I know it’s not good for my expectation management. But it’s a bittersweet guilty pleasure like that intoxicated feeling when you’re drunk and then deal with a hangover next morning.
I’m far from being perfect. I, however, value myself for who I am. Anyhow, I don’t even think I did something wrong that made him walk away. I already did what it took in maintaining our relation. It’s not my fault that we fall apart.
Oddly, I don’t blame him either.
I used to imagine how perfect we could be, I wholeheartedly understand his flaws and accept him for who he is. I overlooked many red flags, I went day by day thinking we were meant to be. But, once we’re over, I can now see those red flags like a never-ending siren. It’s like I was enlightened that we may actually not work if we keep going (no one knows what’s going to be). You can say that I’m trying to rationalize the breakup thinking that it’s better that we stopped seeing each other. Oh yes, I am. because WHY NOT?
Neither I tried to find reasons why he walked away. There is no return for us anyway, considering our personalities. Rationalizing it in a positive aspect is the only way I can cope up with the reality that he’s not coming back AND I’m not going back either. And since we ended it on good term and work in the same industry, hating him is the last thing I would do.
I’m disappointed but I’m not broken.
During our time together, I had expectations. I cannot NOT have expectations because I always look into the future.
In my opinion they’re realistic because we primarily talked about what could potentially be and could not, regularly had reality checked, so I’ve managed my expectations well. He helped keeping my feet on the ground. He never intentionally led me on, he didn’t give me any false hope, he never promised the empty promise. EXCEPT, that one time when I asked him that if he’s not into us anymore, please tell me asap, don’t put it off. (don’t waste my time and energy) He said, he’s the type to end it fair and square if he doesn’t think it’s going to work. I held him accountable for THAT, for being sincere.
Yet, he did. He put it off and gave me a silent treatment.
I’m a HSP (Highly sensitive person). I instinctively took the signs that we’re falling apart. After all this time I still felt the same, my feelings for him didn’t fade, it’s him who decided that we’re over. So, I waited patiently for him to talk about it, to end it nicely. I was glued to the belief that he would sincerely talk it out like he said he would do. Little did I know, I can’t even trust the man who is always harsh with words and wears his heart on his sleeves. He didn’t say that we’re over until I shook it out of him. I felt betrayed nonetheless.
You can hold yourself back if you will.
He told me once that he’s holding back feelings, meaning he’s not into me that much yet even though we’re seeing each other for the potential long-term relationship. Note that he liked me enough to pursue me and convince me to enter into this situationship.
So I willed myself to hold back mine too. I think we had the same reason. We’re afraid of getting hurt. Regardless, It’s actually a double-edged sword. If we wanted a safe cushion, we couldn’t fully thrive the desirable relationship. It’s somehow a risk-taking decision.
Since we both chose the low-risk path, there was less chance that we would be able to move forward in our situation. Considering it’s a long-distant one as well, admittedly it looked like it’s meant to be doomed.
I’m not sure if we made a right choice, but the cushion really helped me from breaking my bones (and heart).
If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.
What I’ve learned when I let it go is you can’t control or expect anything from anyone. I think I did what I wanted to do, said what I wanted to say. Yet, in the end, it turns out we can’t make it. So be it. I realize that it’s no point holding onto false hopes, unreal fantasy. I dispose every thought regarding him. Still, I cherish the time we spent together. I’ll never dump the memories we’ve made. Our ending doesn’t change the fact that he had done some good deeds for me.
I still believe that love is a decision. When you make a decision, you willingly and effortlessly try to make it a right one.
It seems like, in my case, we didn’t even make a decision. Let alone making it right or wrong.
Regarding my situation, it seems like I’m heartbroken. But when I mentally checked myself, I’ve found that mostly I’m disappointed. I’m not internally broken at all. Don’t let a part of you go lost along with the loss you feel from a breakup. Take note that no one can break you unless you let them.
