Who Gets A Heart Boner?
That would be me.
“I feel you, dude (not literally). I get heart boners like crazy.” BigBulgingHeart
So there’s this guy on Reddit talking about sex. Actually, post-sex or afterplay. I think they’re the same thing. I can’t keep track of terms.
Anyway, after the deed, this guy goes off to brush his teeth. When he comes back, the bed is made. Either it was his date or gremlins. He claims it was his date.
“Instant heart boner,” he said.
This was met with a chorus of male supporters.
Here’s the thing:
I’m in relative agreement with these guys. I say “relative” because it depends on the situation. If she’s truly considerate then, yes, heart boner all the way.
On the other hand, it also makes a great exit.
Who complains about you slinking off if you made the bed?
If I sound cynical, I’m old. I haven’t had to examine “fast exits” for years. Any fast exits on my part now usually involve bladder issues.
But I would like to examine this “heart boner” thing further.
In going over the aforementioned Reddit forum, it seems consideration has a very strong appeal for both men and women.
Unlike the usual calls for respect and equality, the modus operandi of feminists everywhere, consideration is more personal. It’s an act of kindness that doesn’t have to be demanded or legislated.
It’s just done.
I get the impression women have been waiting a long time for this — possibly centuries. Men, on the other hand, seem to have stumbled upon it by accident. They weren’t looking for someone to make their beds.
When it happened, they found it, well, appealing.
Hell, I find it appealing.
A nod to the “afterplay clean-up” and horniness:
I was also surprised to learn that men get “heart boners” from rather innocuous things.
The “afterplay clean-up,” for instance.
One man claimed “My wife hoses me off and calls me her little hippopotamus.”
If he needs to be hosed off, no wonder they’re happy.
Sounds like their sex life is a sauna in the making.
It’s such a simple courtesy, though. All it takes is a wet washcloth and maybe a dry one. A few minutes tops.
Other men told similar stories, each feeling this simple act of consideration made them grateful — and possibly horny.
“I was ready to go again,” one guy confessed when his wife did a proper “wipe and fluff.” It seems the “fluff” part, done by flapping the dry washcloth back and forth, or getting the hairdryer, is quite sensual.
Could it be that consideration gives more than a heart boner?
This was talked about, too, with surprising results.
It seems the simple act of “wipe and fluff” doesn’t just clean up. It harkens back to babyhood when we were wiped and fluffed all the time.
“I felt like talcum powder was coming next,” one man remarked.
In any event, this simple act reminded them of childhood safety and security. Men must still crave this subconsciously (although the little hippopotamus thing sounds like it isn’t so subconscious). We obviously all get a little babyish when a good deed is done.
Heart boners and the “Love Lab”
It’s interesting how we get “heart boners” even if, like me, you’re old, and physiologically speaking, not supposed to get boners every time your wife makes the bed.
I make the bed, too, but my wife doesn’t get engorged.
Some interesting research was done back in 1986 by two psychologists, John Goodman and Robert Levenson, at the University of Washington. They created the “Love Lab” examining how simple acts of consideration made couples feel good about themselves and each other.
It seems it doesn’t take much. Imagine you see a bird. You say to your partner, “Check out this bird.” The difference between a long-lasting relationship and a short one is whether you get up and look or not.
I’ve been pointing out birds for years. My wife looks, comments, then goes back to whatever she’s doing.
You feel you’re being respected (even if she snorts and says, “It’s a chickadee”)
Is that enough?
I’m sure you’d rather be “wiped and fluffed,” but relationships obviously need more. Even birds need more. I’ve seen them wipe and fluff each other, but they also show other flights of fancy (get it?) like sharing worms.
Supposedly, sharing is a big part of relationship building, along with what the “Love Lab” called “acts of acceptance.”
Couples, it seems, are happiest when they accept shortcomings rather than expect everything to be perfect.
I was amazed how many women can point out their partner’s flaws (sometimes in chronological detail), then say, “He’s a good person, though.”
So you can be a jerk and still pass the muster by being “good”?
In some respects, this is great news. As long as we’re considerate, we’re allowed other rather disgusting traits. For example—and this is truly disgusting—our beds.
They researched how often single men wash their linens (British study, so accept linens as sheets). Once a month was fairly standard. But twice a year still had a considerably large cohort. Conclusion? Single men are pigs.
Well, that’s “heart boners” in a nutshell (or nutsack)
Regardless of what we may think of the term itself (I got jailed on Facebook for this), we can’t underestimate “heart boners.” Or the consideration attached. People like consideration. They like respect.
They also like boners.
If your partner — or date — makes the bed all the time, you could be having “heart boners” left right and centre.
That’s a good thing. We should encourage “heart boners.” And we should respect those who get them on a regular basis.
Again, that would be me.
Robert Cormack is a satirist, blogger and author of “You Can Lead A Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive).” You can join him every day by subscribing to robertcormack@medium.com/subscription.
