Why I Worry About Fragranicide
Or why my dog smells better than me.
“Evolution can go to hell as far as I’m concerned. What a mistake we are.” Kurt Vonnegut
Okay, I made up fragranicide. It’s not a word, but it should be. Of all the threats we face these days, smell is more likely to kill us than, say, nuclear war or garbage strikes. It may not happen tomorrow, but I’ll bet one day someone will say, “We’ve lost millions of people to fragranicide.”
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
So what is fragranicide exactly?
Today, fragrances are added to lots of cleaning products, especially detergents. Scientists call it the “scent component,” meaning a fragrance used to cover up something else. Here’s the irony: A detergent is supposed to clean clothes. Clean clothes smell nice because, well, they’re clean. So why are they infused with scents that have nothing to do with being clean?
Welcome to the “fragrance pool” and why you should run
Contrary to making you smell good, the real purpose of scents is to hide what scientists call the 25 “volatile” components of a cleaning solution. These include benzene and acetaldehyde. They normally smell like lighter fluid and can float around, releasing billions of carcinogenic molecules through dryer vents and just plain walking around smelling good.
Believe me, you’re nothing more than a good-smelling carrier of death.
Who are the dirty rats responsible for this fragranicide?
Not to point fingers, but you know them, and probably use their products. Over the years, they’ve done a remarkable job of appealing to our sense of smell. One of these products has eleven different scents, including Hawaiian Aloha, Apple Mango Tango and Moonlight Breeze.
Here’s where dogs comes in—including mine
This particular company loads the airwaves with commercials, showing people going into rapturous arrest over the smell of their laundry. In one spot, a guy is using a towel that smells so good, he doesn’t realize it’s the dog’s. The dog — a bloodhound — seems chuffed, but that’s acting. Bloodhounds hate scents like Apple Mango Tango. They only took the job because someone said commercials pay well.
Why do bloodhounds hate Apple Mango Tango so much?
Dogs devote over 40 percent of their brains to smelling, meaning they can identify scents somewhere between 1,000 to 10,000 times better than we can. The bloodhound is at the top end, my dog is near the bottom. The only sniffers below my dog are humans, me included. I can smell detergents and say, “Hmm, that’s Apple Mango Tango.” A bloodhound — or any dog, for that matter — is saying, “That’s dangerous, dude.” Dogs can smell Alzheimer’s. You think Apple Mango Tango or Hawaiian Aloha fools them?
So we should be listening to dogs?
Considering over 75 percent of American households use scented detergents, air fresheners, plug-ins, fabric softeners, and gels, I think it’s safe to say we don’t give a crap what dogs think. Even dogs don’t care what other dogs think. They also don’t talk, making them terrible for public service ads. That’s why they do commercials where they just look cute.
What can we use that will avoid fragranicide?
Your best options are nothing more complicated than vinegar and baking soda. All you do is add half a cup of baking soda to the wash cycle (for more grease-cutting power, add a drop of Dawn). Once you hit the rinse cycle, add a half cup of vinegar. This acts as a fabric softener and doesn’t smell. Ask any bloodhound.
Lemons and vodka
If you’re out of vinegar and baking soda, lemons work great at getting out stains. They’re safe to use on delicate fabrics, and smell as good as Moonlight Breeze. For delicate laundry, try vodka. Turn the garment inside out, throw on a shot glass full of vodka, and then ask your dog if that isn’t better than some godawful scent created in a lab.
Can dogs help us avoid fragranicide?
We’ve got so many carcinogens floating around, it’s a wonder dogs are still here at all. Some, obviously, are doing commercials and can’t speak badly about their clients. Others are hoping their owners are smart enough to see the danger. Since we’re not as smart as our dogs think we are, I’d say fragranicide is pretty much a forgone conclusion. Especially if that particular manufacturer comes out with any more new scents.
Shouldn’t our government be saving us?
Boy, they should, shouldn’t they? But it’s not that easy. These detergent manufacturers employ a lot of people. Besides, governments are notorious for ignoring dogs—so are we, for that matter. I say the occasional “gesundheit” if my dog sneezes, when he’s really telling me I’m on a short train to fragranicide. We all are. Our only hope is that we get tired of all these scents, but who are we kidding?
We like smelling good.
We’ll probably go to our graves smelling fresh as daises.
Or Apple Mango Tango.
We should prepare ourselves for this.
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Robert Cormack is a satirist, blogger and author of “You Can Lead A Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive).” You can join him — and others — every day by subscribing to robertcormack@medium.com/subscription.
