We Are All Alice In Wonderland

From the 2010 film Alice in Wonderland directed by Tim Burton, starring Mia Wasikowska as Alice

“Judging others is easy because it distracts us from the responsibility of judging ourselves.”
― Charles F. Glassman

When turning our judgement inwards we often find ourselves “falling down the rabbit hole”. We may find things we never expected or perhaps wished to avoid all together. When this occurs it can bring feelings of discomfort.

The Psychologist Leon Festinger suggested such feelings arise from cognitive dissonance and don’t worry you aren’t alone, we all feel this and it’s certainly normal.

Leon Festinger posited that we are sensitive to inconsistencies between actions and beliefs and that such inconsistencies cause dissonance which motivates us to change our beliefs, perceptions or actions. Such sentiment assists us in maintaining integrity with ourselves.

I previously wrote an article on success, (Abolish Success as You Know it), which highlighted the importance of defining success for yourself and achieving it through the examination of failure.

However, applying these principles to the self can be a daunting experience we naturally shy away from.

“Everything is a skill and all skills can be improved with practice.”

That’s all good and well but tell me something I can actually use?

Three things,

1. Don’t be afraid of self judgement, your brain has your back!
2. Own your weaknesses, don’t shove then under your bed.
3. Surprise, you’re going to fail, more than a few times.

Thing 1, don’t be afraid of self judgement, your brain has your back!

Self reflection is a critical skill, and it is a skill. This doesn’t mean you need to take up meditation or embark on a week long self discovery retreat, it could just be the daily commute with nothing but your headphones and thoughts.

For instance, here is a simple, non threatening example, “I was late to dinner with friends last night, I’m always late and they joke about it but I know it frustrates them, I feel like a bad friend [insert uncomfortable feeling]. I should be more punctual”.

The human brain has numerous tricks and techniques which keep our self esteem in tact and our happiness in a homeostatic goldilocks zone. So don’t be afraid of making yourself uncomfortable; improvement isn’t easy and it doesn’t feel like gummy bears and rainbows either (whatever gummy bears feel like).

If you feel uncomfortable at times then you’re doing it right.

Thing 2, own your weaknesses, don’t shove then under your bed.

Moving to phase two, “I’m always late, everyone knows it, I feel bad but that’s just me”.

Everyone has heard the saying, the first step is admitting you have a problem. Well we’ve admitted it to ourselves but let’s take it one step further and admit it to others.

What psychology tells us about change is that we need to (1) be ready and willing and (2) commit through a medium such as goal setting. We are also more likely to be successful when we have the support of others who are aware of our intention to change.

So own your weaknesses, state them aloud, to yourself and to those around you.

This is a powerful tool in two ways. The you acknowledge your short-comings to others it not only shows that you have self awareness but also induces an atmosphere of understanding in those around you.

“I’m sorry, I’m always late, I know that must be frustrating for you and I’m going to try being more on time in the future”. This acts as both an apology and a commitment while at the same time asking for patience and support.

Thing 3, surprise, you’re going to fail, more than a few times.

It is of course no surprise that you will fail, however, there is a huge difference between making an error and failing altogether.

“Ahh, damn…. late again, I’m so sorry guys, at least it was only 20min this time, I’m getting better”.

Making a mistake doesn’t feel nice, it’s not supposed to. We know we are capable of doing better so why didn’t we?

It is common knowledge that behaviour change inherently involves error but that doesn’t change how it makes us feel when it happens. Change is effortful and demanding, it requires us to consciously alter our usual automated processes.

Embrace feeling uncomfortable.

Research into acute negative states of arousal reveal that the body cannot maintain a state of stress without negative consequences and that generally speaking you will naturally return to a state of equilibrium. Being aware that your feelings are natural and transient can assist in overcoming any anxiety around both making an error and during a post error slump.

Finally, be kind to yourself, it’s the only self you have and it’s inherently fallible.

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