Everything Isn’t As It Seems

The robber looks at the sign on the gate.

“Beware of Hamster. Hmm. This must be one of those millennial jokes I’m not apart of.”

He opens the gate and races for the front door.

He’s been scouting this home for two weeks now, and he’s timed the break in perfectly while they aren’t home.

A smash echoes through the neighborhood as he enters through the front window. The target is some jewelry he’s seen the missus wear. Knowing this to be a nice neighborhood, he figures they’re worth something.

Walking brusquely by the den, he hesitates a moment as the tv is on. Upon peaking around the corner, he sees the pet hamster staring at the screen.

“Phew” he thinks. He continues walking but notices the hamster is gone.


As he rounds the corner, he spies the master bedroom. A few steps down the hall and he’s greeted by the sound of a stereo playing. Specifically, he hears a male opera singer bellowing in baritone throughout the house.

“Good music while robbing? I’ll take it.”

Pushing the door of the bedroom, he creeps in and notices the jewelry box on the dresser.


He quickly scampers over and takes it.

Turning to leave he’s greeted by the hamster pointing a gun at him.

“Uh am I dreaming this.”

“Put the box down and you won’t get hurt” said the hamster.

The robber takes a step forward believing that he’s seeing things.

“PUT THE BOX BACK NOW” frantically said the hamster.

The gun went off as the hamster fired a round into the thigh of the robber.


The robber flung down the jewelry box like it was a smoke bomb and shit flew everywhere. He then hurled himself out the bedroom window and into the night where a small trail of blood followed behind him.

The hamster then bleached it’s prints off the gun and went back to watching tv.

And here we’re left with the conclusion that hamsters can be fucking savage.

Green hearts are somewhere. Publication: Rue Renegade

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