Local Man Becomes God After Taking Advice From Medium Life Coaches
Have you ever wondered what your life would look like if you took the advice from Medium’s top life coaches? I mean, taking it literally. Well one man has and he’s no longer living in the third dimension with the rest of us.
Local man of Tucson, AZ, Timothy Yotes (32), has transcended time and achieved a permanent state of bliss after following life advice from Medium celebrities. After reading such articles as 30 Behaviors That Will Make You Unstoppable, 50 Ways Happier, Healthier, And More Successful People Live On Their Own Terms, Dealing With Pretentious People, Learning to Read, and Staying Humble, Timothy said he felt something “shift.” Below, he describes that shift and how it’s changed his life.
“ It only took a day, but I was doing a workout suggested by 8 Things To Do Before 8 Am when I felt this sensation of vibrating overtake my body. Initially I panicked, but I remembered my training. I breathed calmly as, this is hard to describe, my body began to merge with the fabric of the universe. The bliss was so overwhelming, I barely managed to leave the gym and make it home. I had been stifling the absorption until I got home, but once I stopped resisting, the feeling overtook me. After staying in my apartment for a week and losing my job, I feel more free than ever. I’m praying the bills stop coming since I don’t have the willpower to check the mail. This feeling is just too incredible.”
After the ecstasy God administered wore off, Timothy spends his time talking to people he hopes will listen about the lessons he’s learned from popular Medium articles. Believing that God called him to change the world, he feels an obligation to preach no matter how unwarranted the situation might be.
- Watching as a family member is lowered into their grave? Timothy preaches you should be networking with loved ones around you to find potential clients.
- Standing in the checkout line at Walmart? Timothy says you should be checking the latest trends on Google to brainstorm ideas for your next startup.
- Wanting to punch somebody in the face? Timothy says you should power-walk for at least 15 minutes to release the endorphins that might prevent you from doing so.
Sometimes the advice from Medium’s writing whore house… I mean… life coach writers can be quite over the top and confusing. But if you‘re an extremist like Timothy, you’ll feel right at home with the mental masturbation they provide. One thing we can all wish is not to be like Timothy. Stay mortal and take those beating-a-dead-horse listicles with a grain of salt.
