[Smokey giving a riveting speech about forest fire prevention]
SMOKEY: And remember kids, only you can prevent forest fires.
[applause]
“Sir the Russians are launching. What do we do?”
“Fire back!”
[locates nuclear launch button]
“HIT THE DECK”
[presses]
Hunter: Let’s set a booby trap and catch this thing
Waldo: You found me
“Would you wipe up what looks like an oil slick off the table” asked the customer.
Swat Guy: POLICE. OPEN UP
Me: FUCK YOU
“DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE”
Swat Guy 2: *softly* that’s not what we say
SG: o yeah
Me: Excuse me mam. Do y’all offer any gluten free options?
Waitress: O you think this gluten is FREE?
Me: Huh. No. I have celiac..
Waitress: We WORK for our gluten here.
My date and I were chilling outside the restaurant enjoying our third get-together. We just finished eating and the mood was on point. I knew it was time to break out the “game changer.”
Walking into the local bar was probably one of the most tense things I’ve done this week.
Being plagued at my apartment by odd noises and stirrings throughout the week really unsettled me. Each night I get out of bed to check, there seemed to be a shadowy figure…