When Meditation Becomes A Crutch
I have been mindfully meditating for a little over two years now. What initially was a conscious decision became a habit so ingrained that I daresay it became a lifestyle.
- Driving down the road? Be aware.
- Bored at home? Be aware.
- Sitting at a busy restaurant? Be aware.
What I learned during that time was a lot of my meditation was mere escapism. If the goal of meditation was to relax and be at peace, then I achieved that.
However, my goal was to become awakened; to transcend the ego and the pervading thoughts and feelings that come from attachment to it.
After awakening, I am able to look back and see where I went wrong in my previous meditations that would have accelerated the process.
Anytime I relaxed under the guise of “meditation” was a form of escaping what was actually happening. A lot of times, this would happen after work, dealing with intense social situations (family, am I right?), and trying to form a clear direction for my life. These were stressful for me.
Instead of sitting and being with the uncomfortable feelings, I would push them away and relax. I would use meditation to become peaceful and loving. But, this was a trap set by the ego to keep me in the recurring pattern of suffering.
For example:
Yesterday on a two hour car drive home, I kept the radio off and my experience in front of me (eyes on the road). Bonus points: I was having some indigestion that made the ride back uncomfortable as well. I sat with the distressful feelings of boredom and stomach pain instead of suppressing them.
The ego was fighting mightily to play music, surf the internet while driving, and just do anything to distract myself from the pain of being there.
And at some point in the drive, I experienced what was in front of me without having the voice in my head narrate said experience.
I became okay with sitting in silence. I was fine with my stomach hurting. I was okay not touching the phone during the trip. Ego wanted so badly to interact with those things to escape what was really going on: being in the present moment.
While escaping the present moment into love and peace is nice, it’s not going to end suffering and the ego will continue to weigh down your experience.
I hope this helps you to spot any form of escapism in your meditations.
Happy Awakening!
